Some time ago my wife had a schedule full of events and I helped her carry things over, drive, set up shop, sell, etc. This is the third year we've done this and every year I would feel annoyed and exhausted weeks before and after the event, while my wife goes on with her life the day after as if nothing had happened. How come two people living the same moment are affected in such different ways? The reason is we are in fact living the same experience, but our minds and bodies are not digesting it the same way.
While my wife can handle multiple responsibilities in a short period and quickly move on, I work best managing a couple at a time, mentally and physically preparing beforehand as well as spending time reflecting afterwards. We learned to work with each other's style but only after we faced increasing differences between us. I tried to ask myself why I behave this way and how to use it to my advantage.
I was raised with the mentality that I had to do things 100% no matter what. This is a great way to deal with responsibilities but not a healthy way to deal with every aspect of life. In my case it led to a disconnection within myself: I took all responsibilities to the extreme until completion, when my mind wanted to work at a slower pace I learned to ignore my distress so I could focus, and when my body I needed a break I ignored it until I was done with my responsibilities.
Once I recognized this pattern and accepted that nowadays it was creating more harm than good I could pay attention to what I needed to be ok regardless of what was happening in my surroundings. I was able to identify my limits, respect them and let my body and mind heal at their own pace, basically reconnecting with myself by caring about me the same way I was expected to care about other people.
After one year of observation and comparing the way my wife and I process life more questions come to mind: How do I communicate my view of reality to another person so we don't clash with each other? How can we create a shared sense of reality? The best answer I have so far is that we need constant communication, respect and understanding of one another.
Personally the most difficult part of this constant communication process with another person is not to judge (myself or others). Once somebody feels judged they close up trying to protect themselves, thus any hope of building a shared reality ceases to exist. In my case the sensation prior to judgement is frustration, so right when I feel the need to judge I try to express my frustration, and with a little bit of luck and open mindedness we can continue communicating. It is impossible to get it right every time, but if I actually try I can successfully share my reality more often than not.
I am still getting used to the idea that this is a lifelong process, however it's very rewarding to witness the progress my wife and I have achieved in our relationship. Once we accept each other as we are we can gracefully tackle difficult and stressful situations, and love and appreciate one another for who we truly are.
While my wife can handle multiple responsibilities in a short period and quickly move on, I work best managing a couple at a time, mentally and physically preparing beforehand as well as spending time reflecting afterwards. We learned to work with each other's style but only after we faced increasing differences between us. I tried to ask myself why I behave this way and how to use it to my advantage.
I was raised with the mentality that I had to do things 100% no matter what. This is a great way to deal with responsibilities but not a healthy way to deal with every aspect of life. In my case it led to a disconnection within myself: I took all responsibilities to the extreme until completion, when my mind wanted to work at a slower pace I learned to ignore my distress so I could focus, and when my body I needed a break I ignored it until I was done with my responsibilities.
Once I recognized this pattern and accepted that nowadays it was creating more harm than good I could pay attention to what I needed to be ok regardless of what was happening in my surroundings. I was able to identify my limits, respect them and let my body and mind heal at their own pace, basically reconnecting with myself by caring about me the same way I was expected to care about other people.
After one year of observation and comparing the way my wife and I process life more questions come to mind: How do I communicate my view of reality to another person so we don't clash with each other? How can we create a shared sense of reality? The best answer I have so far is that we need constant communication, respect and understanding of one another.
Personally the most difficult part of this constant communication process with another person is not to judge (myself or others). Once somebody feels judged they close up trying to protect themselves, thus any hope of building a shared reality ceases to exist. In my case the sensation prior to judgement is frustration, so right when I feel the need to judge I try to express my frustration, and with a little bit of luck and open mindedness we can continue communicating. It is impossible to get it right every time, but if I actually try I can successfully share my reality more often than not.
I am still getting used to the idea that this is a lifelong process, however it's very rewarding to witness the progress my wife and I have achieved in our relationship. Once we accept each other as we are we can gracefully tackle difficult and stressful situations, and love and appreciate one another for who we truly are.
Alan