Many youths come to my wife and me asking if we can help them find a partner to get married to. Usually, we will ask them why do they want to get married. In some cases, they say that their lives are lonely, they are unhappy, and they think only a spouse can make them happy. They envision a perfect life once they find the ideal partner. Things will magically change. They will no longer be miserable. They will be happy and smiling ear to ear.

Unfortunately, that is so far from the truth. The reality is that marriage is not the miracle pill that will make everything beautiful. Yes, marriage is beautiful. But only if you are in the right mind space, to begin with. If you are unhappy, you can’t find happiness in marriage. You will just make your partner unhappy, as well. If you are miserable before marriage, getting married will only make you and your spouse miserable. You cannot make your partner be responsible for your happiness. You need to be happy to have a happy marriage.

If you are happy before marriage, marriage will make you happier. If you are miserable, you are going to be more miserable post marriage.

So work on your happiness before you go out finding a spouse. It is an unfair burden to your partner to make an unhappy you happy.

The Quran describes the husband and wife relationship beautifully when Allah said, 

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you Mawaddah and Rahmah.

- Surah ar-Rum: 21.

I purposely did not translate the word Mawaddah and Rahman in the aya above. These are the two ingredients to a tranquil marriage. What is the meaning of these words? Both can be translated as love. But Arabic is more intricate than that.

**Mawaddah** comes from the root word - wadda or deep longing. Mawaddah is the kind of love that is wanting — you want to be loved, you want to be appreciated, you want to be doted. This is the ‘taking’ part in love.

**Rahmah** comes from the same root word as rahim or the womb of the mother. The mother provides everything for the baby in the womb without asking anything in return. Rahmah is the giving and sacrificing kind of love.

You need these two ingredients to have a successful marriage. You need to give and take. It requires sacrifice on both parts to make the other partner happy. You cannot enter into a marriage thinking that your spouse must make you happy without you doing anything. You need to be happy to make your partner happy. Your partner need to be happy to make you happy. Together you will make each other happier.

Work on your personal happiness. Be a better person so that you can be a better partner to your spouse. You need to be happy to have a happy marriage.

Azizi Khalid
Making Islamic education fun at Qaswa House