Something about myself that I’ve been trying to come to terms with, specifically in that past few years, has been my long-delayed diagnosis of ADHD and how it may (or may not?) drive my thought process.

Expo Line platform sunset. Culver City, California

I‘ll be the first to admit: I have more than a fair amount of unfavorable personality traits having manifested both in recent times and as far back as early elementary school. To be perfectly candid, I can be an insufferable, attention-seeking, people-pleasing pushover at my worst. At the best of times? I’d like to think I can be a great pillar of support for a friend in need (though I’ve been less and less consistent starting since around, say, 2016 or 2017)… I often wonder how much of a role my ADHD had to play in the way my mind and personality has developed throughout my life. I don’t want to blame my neurodivergence for any negative traits that I find or that are pointed out to me, but it’s hard to ignore something as potentially impactful as a brain that doesn’t operate as the average person’s does.

I’d like to think it’s acceptable to wonder about or to question yourself as an adult. A lot of what I’m feeling and experiencing as I’m writing this feels like the beginnings of a more successful period. I’ve never had the benefit of being truly successful or “in control” of things. I have, however, been fortunate enough to find myself in the company of those who support me and enable me to navigate life’s trials and tribulations relatively unharmed. My family, my friends, others who find their way in and out of my life… everyone has left an impact, an impression, each being very hard for me to ignore.

One of my weaker traits—though I’m sure a few arguments can be made to the contrary—is that I have trouble forgetting things that truly touch me: experiences, places, and people float on effortlessly through my subconscious, very often resurfacing randomly throughout my days. No matter how many times I may forget my wallet, keys, or to turn out the lights before leaving a room, I can’t seem to let go of the sights, sounds, and feelings of, for example, riding the Metro in Los Angeles one day, marveling at how lucky I was to be there… the memory of spending America’s Independence Day at a neighborhood block party west of Cleveland before shuffling out onto the rocky shores of Lake Erie to watch a fireworks display… my first experience with cannabis in the company of caring and empathetic friends while watching a Neil Breen masterpiece… touring the ruins of a medieval castle in the expansive forests of southeastern Germany… Night drives to Walmart with an unexpected friend during my time at Kent State University and learning a hard lesson in humility and perspective as a result.… I could go on.

View near “Bastei”. Saxon Switzerland National Park, Saxony, Germany

More recently, traits like these have seemingly been the source of pain in my life. While there were many times when thinking back on these people, places, and events have brought me—among other intense emotions—sorrow and longing, the past few years have found a significant lack of balance in my ratio of focus between the past and the present.

Many self-help gurus and wellness advocates will undoubtedly tell you about the importance of living in the moment as opposed to living in the past and… yeah. Yeah, that’s right. You need to do that more often than not. I remember after having received my ADHD diagnosis. Speaking to my psychiatrist on a summer day in Nakameguro, Tokyo (at the adorably named “Loco Clinic“), after having again talked his ear off on multiple occasions about my incipient divorce, my struggles with depression, my enduring pain of losing some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and other topics that I felt weighing down on me, he sat silent for a few moments in reflection. After about twenty seconds he simply said, “I think you have to… what’s the expression in English? ’Get over it?’”

Fourth of July block party. Cleveland’s Westside, Cleveland, Ohio

There are plenty of things I’d love to get over. Lots of regret, shame, and embarrassment… longing and more “what-ifs” than I could count… all deep-seated in my unconscious. Everything undulates, ebbing and flowing at an erratic frequency. I feel like my insides are like a lava lamp, blobs of misshapen gooey emotions and memories that flow and contort, dropping out of the top of my mind until they eventually rise to the surface again in a never ending cycle…

All this is to say that my mind and how it works is still a bit of a mystery to me… I don’t exactly know why I remember the things I do and forget other, arguably more important things. Why are old wounds still so tender? Am I just too sensitive? Is there a purpose or a reason for these thoughts and feelings to flicker into focus so frequently? I don’t want to assume that this is strictly just a character flaw. No one wants to admit that, even if they should. But I want to be able to explore this part of me and really get to the bottom of what it all means. I desperately want to understand my brain in order to harness the potential that I know is held within.

Sunset over student parking. Kent State University, Kent, Ohio

It might seem sappy—please forgive me for sounding like an angsty teenager when writing about all of this—but what is life if not some great, big puzzle? If you know all of the pieces and exactly where they fit from the beginning then that’s not very fun at all is it? You might as well have just gotten a photograph instead.

I’m no closer to uncovering any answers than I was when I started this piece. I just wanted to share what effect my ADHD diagnosis has had on how I view my mind, my thought process. It’s certainly caused me to reevaluate a lot from my early adolescence and how I’ve developed since then. It’s a lot to take in at times, but I have the benefit of being able to work a job I’m happy with, spend time with the people I care about, and live a relatively comfortable life while I figure it all out.

High school me on a friend’s couch. Euclid, Ohio

Nearly there.