I just learned today that two more couples with children in my sons third grade class have separated. It breaks my heart hearing this news.
Marriage is hard enough as it is. Wedge a couple of children in there, work, mortgages and so on, drifting apart is inevitable. You have to fight for your marriage.
Having been married for 13 years, we’ve definitely had our share of drifting apart and it almost broke us.
I’m no expert on marriage but from observing and experiencing my own, I thought I’d reflect on some things that have helped us.
Marriage is hard enough as it is. Wedge a couple of children in there, work, mortgages and so on, drifting apart is inevitable. You have to fight for your marriage.
Having been married for 13 years, we’ve definitely had our share of drifting apart and it almost broke us.
I’m no expert on marriage but from observing and experiencing my own, I thought I’d reflect on some things that have helped us.
Keep God at the center
Being a Christian, this one tops the list.
I remember when my fiancée (now wife) and I were doing some pre-marital counselling. The couple who were facilitating the session described marriage like a triangle. Imagine I’m on the bottom left corner, my wife is on the bottom right corner and God is the top pointy bit of the triangle. The more we both look up to God, the closer we come together. I’ve never forgot that picture.
When God hasn’t been at the center of our marriage, it’s been obvious. We get by for a while but cracks start to form. There is something about praying with each other, sharing scriptures, going to church every Sunday, that binds us together. When we go through tough seasons we can both run to Him as He waits with open arms.
Doing marriage without God comes at a huge disadvantage. Just like fighting for your marriage, you need to fight for and invite God in daily.
I remember when my fiancée (now wife) and I were doing some pre-marital counselling. The couple who were facilitating the session described marriage like a triangle. Imagine I’m on the bottom left corner, my wife is on the bottom right corner and God is the top pointy bit of the triangle. The more we both look up to God, the closer we come together. I’ve never forgot that picture.
When God hasn’t been at the center of our marriage, it’s been obvious. We get by for a while but cracks start to form. There is something about praying with each other, sharing scriptures, going to church every Sunday, that binds us together. When we go through tough seasons we can both run to Him as He waits with open arms.
Doing marriage without God comes at a huge disadvantage. Just like fighting for your marriage, you need to fight for and invite God in daily.
Prioritise daily communication
This is hard with two young kids who like to grab at our attention. When our kids are down for the night (which is getting later and later as they age), my wife and I typically set aside some time to connect and share about our days. Even if it’s just 20 minutes if we have to rush off to do other things.
This helps keep us aligned, bring God into situations and helps us keep tabs on what’s going on in each others worlds.
This helps keep us aligned, bring God into situations and helps us keep tabs on what’s going on in each others worlds.
Go on dates no matter what
The amount of parents I talk to who don’t do this is crazy!
My wife and I have a non-negotiable date night out each month. We’ll get a grandparent or babysitter and go out and grab some food, go for a walk, refill ourselves with the love we have for each other. These date night often remind me of why we fell in love. I can’t stress enough how important this has been for our marriage.
We’ve also been lucky enough to both have Mondays off so we also spend about 4 hours between school hours to do something together. Not everyone is this lucky but if you can, it’s worth it.
My wife and I have a non-negotiable date night out each month. We’ll get a grandparent or babysitter and go out and grab some food, go for a walk, refill ourselves with the love we have for each other. These date night often remind me of why we fell in love. I can’t stress enough how important this has been for our marriage.
We’ve also been lucky enough to both have Mondays off so we also spend about 4 hours between school hours to do something together. Not everyone is this lucky but if you can, it’s worth it.
Give 100%
A wise friend said to me once that marriage isn’t each partner going 50/50 on what they give to the relationship. I give 50%, she gives 50%. No. It should be that both give 100%.
Sometimes our 100% is a little more like “the best we can” in the moment. We all have tough days where 100% isn’t in us and that’s ok. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other. When I’m down my wife can help be a buffer and vice versa.
Marriage isn’t a points system where I do some thing for you and you owe me now. No. It’s about both sides committing to giving 100% as best they can.
Sometimes our 100% is a little more like “the best we can” in the moment. We all have tough days where 100% isn’t in us and that’s ok. We need to be kind to ourselves and each other. When I’m down my wife can help be a buffer and vice versa.
Marriage isn’t a points system where I do some thing for you and you owe me now. No. It’s about both sides committing to giving 100% as best they can.
Reflect and be willing to change
The last thing is taking the time to look inside yourself and be aware of the areas you need to improve on or flat out change. Maybe the way you think or perceive something. Maybe it’s a habit.
I’ve come to learn that I cannot change others, but I can change myself. Having this mentality has helped me change and as a result, I see changes in my wife, my kids and my relationships.
Each week I review a document I’ve put together that has the things I want to keep in front of my eyes. Things like who I want to be, what I care about, what my wife and kids like and how they feel loved. Reflecting on this helps me keep these at the top of mind, helping me be a better version of myself.
I’ve come to learn that I cannot change others, but I can change myself. Having this mentality has helped me change and as a result, I see changes in my wife, my kids and my relationships.
Each week I review a document I’ve put together that has the things I want to keep in front of my eyes. Things like who I want to be, what I care about, what my wife and kids like and how they feel loved. Reflecting on this helps me keep these at the top of mind, helping me be a better version of myself.
Marriage is hard but worth it
Majority of us got married because we found someone we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. Someone to grow old and have children with. Someone we found funny or interesting.
These feelings can be forgotten and fade away in the craziness of life. We can lose touch with our spouses and get to a point where we don’t know them anymore. And we hold onto that passionate, immature love that we had in the early days that’s no longer there.
My encouragement is to fight for keeping that spark alive. Fight for the mature love that comes with time and from the battles you both faced together and the triumphs you’ve shared. Be willing to change. Be proactive. Create space for quality time. Learn what makes your partner feel loved. Go out of your comfort zone and do something you might typically shy away from. Get to know your spouse again. Don’t let love die.
These feelings can be forgotten and fade away in the craziness of life. We can lose touch with our spouses and get to a point where we don’t know them anymore. And we hold onto that passionate, immature love that we had in the early days that’s no longer there.
My encouragement is to fight for keeping that spark alive. Fight for the mature love that comes with time and from the battles you both faced together and the triumphs you’ve shared. Be willing to change. Be proactive. Create space for quality time. Learn what makes your partner feel loved. Go out of your comfort zone and do something you might typically shy away from. Get to know your spouse again. Don’t let love die.
-Ben