My paternity leave has easily been among the hardest things I’ve done. It’s also, without doubt, the most meaningful and rewarding thing I’ve done. Far from a “nice long vacation” as someone told me, it’s been fully a deconstruction and reconstruction of so much of myself. The more I reflect on it, the more I realize both things: It is hard (and thankfully it’s getting easier) and it’s also rewarding (increasingly so). I also realize now it was crucially important not only for me, but for the baby, my wife, and for the whole family. Research (links below) has shown the extraordinary and literally lifelong impact of paternity leaves (specifically dads, besides maternity leaves).
Paternity (not maternity) leave in context
I went on leave on Thanksgiving, and I’ll be back March 22nd. That’s 16 weeks (a bit over 100 days), plus 3 weeks I had taken when Sela was born, and 5 weeks of partial leave over the first 6 months of my son’s life, that’s 24 weeks of paid paternity leave. The US does not have a federal mandate for any paternity leave (or maternity), but our state (Washington) imposes 12 weeks. Microsoft, where I work, has 12 weeks of paid paternity leave, and had a special childcare leave due to covid, which account for the 24 weeks I took. I’m lucky to be in one of the states in the USA with 12 weeks paternity leave, an employer with really good family benefits, and an amazing team of colleagues around me that is rallying to minimize the impact of my absence (Thanks!!).
Around the world, paternity leave policies change widely from roughly half the countries in the world having none on the low side (including USA, the only industrialized country without even maternal leave), and 68 weeks in Sweden on the high side. Specifically, Japan, Finland, Croatia, Slovakia, Sweden, Norway, and Iceland offer more than the 24 weeks I had (roughly 50 million male adults).
In the private sector roughly half the companies offer more than required by the laws where they are located. In the US, where none is required at federal level, 38% of Fortune 500 do offer paid leave. Microsoft indeed ranks high with 12 weeks for fathers (plus the covid childcare leave), Moreover, they also require paternity leave policies to its suppliers. Netflix offers a full year for fathers. Twitter offers 20 weeks, Meta 17 weeks, Adobe 16. The reality, though, is that paternity leave is often unused when available for similar reason mothers tend to take less than they have (peer pressure and career impact among the top).
As an aside, laws, in my opinion, should not specify maternity and paternity, but birthing parent and non-birthing parent, to accommodate same-sex couples, and adoption cases. The reality is that they have even more restrictive leave policies, if leave for these cases does exist.
Besides the moral arguments, research shows unequivocally that taking paternity leave is proven to be beneficial for all:
· the baby: from lower infant mortality to better development and even more lifetime achievement and earnings.
· the mother: e.g. better physical and mental health, less career impact (mum’s income after 4 years rise about 7 percent for each month that a father spent at home on paternity leave).
· the father: e.g. more lifelong bonding with the baby and better physical and mental health, including similar brain changes as the mother experiences.
· the family: more bonding, and less chances of divorce. For many relationships, adapting to parenting is the biggest stressor they will face.
· the employer: more employee attraction and retention.
· the whole labor market, economy and society (e.g., more household income, more children reversing population aging, more probability of mothers returning to work).
My paternity leave
Each baby is different, and so is each mother and father, and the way they decide to care for their baby. There are countless of books, and interestingly, it seems that while baby’s needs seem universal, and there can hardly be an older human need than taking care of our babies, every culture, and generation, takes cares of babies in different ways, and their way is the right way. Some cultures carry their babies all the time, some leave them with a wide network of support, some stick them to strict schedules, some let them lead, some protect their every move from harm and into the right direction, some let them explore, fall and cry, some let them cry to sleep, some don’t, …
We’ve received a lot of comments and advice, and well-intended criticism for ways different than they had, and also praise and advice when we did things that worked. We also (links in the text and below) researched, read, lurked on reddit r/newdads and Instagram, called experts, paid consultants, ask family and friends, … To each their own way, so we won’t recommend anything to anyone, but our way (if others find it useful) could be summarized as roughly baby-led needs-met secure attachment: we co-slept with the baby from early on, he breastfeeds on demand, gave solid food for him to explore (baby-led weaning), let him play and explore with us as far away as possible (but coming when he asks for us), let him try on his mouth rocks, dirt and sand, … We try to create a “yes” environment, (nothing expensive to break, solid gates on the stairs …) so we minimize any “no”, and when we do have to stop something, we express why, instead of cryptic “no” (e.g., making a face with “Yucky!” when trying to eat something bad for him, or fake crying when he is biting us).
Coming in, my instincts were mostly aligned with what we are trying in the end, but there was a key reflection. I was more ok with anything. I was ok if we try the cry-it-out method, but also not letting him cry. I was ok letting him lick the floor, but also boil everything he would touch. My reason was that literally millions of kids over millions of generations have been raised on a million variations, and they are all fine. So, I was judging parenting for the outcome, that is, babies as “future people”. But then I realized they are “little people”, they deserve respect and love for what they are, not what they will be. Moreover, they don’t understand the world, full of giants, full of feelings they can’t control, rules, timetables, and company they didn’t choose. Research shows that newborns can only feel attachment, distress, and empathy. They depend on us for emotion regulation. They literally don’t understand feeling tired or hungry, and depend on us to soothe their feelings, and meet those needs they themselves don’t know yet they have. Research shows it’s important to smile when they smile, to validate their feelings when they show them (e.g., avoid ”you are ok” when they fall and cry, instead expressing “I’m sorry you felt, did it hurt?”). They can’t understand threats, manners or even logic at first. We should parent according to their skills, not ours. I want to treat him for the little people he is, not the future people he will be.
I also reflected a lot that parenting is evolutionary biased towards the mum. She gets pregnant, carries the baby, delivers it, nurses it, … (Truly all cities should have a monument honoring mums). All along there is a wide array of processes, changes and hormones involved. For example, every time the mum breastfeeds or cuddles with the baby, both baby and mum release oxytocin, sometimes called the bonding or love hormone. That hormone plays a key role in many aspects of motherhood, including the letdown of milk from the breasts when snuggling the baby. The mum gets a “chemical shot of love feeling” with every feeding. All these factors literally change the brain and mind of the mum, to both help endure the hardships of pregnancy and delivery, and ensure bonding with love and care. Mums have to do all this, but also, if you change the mindset, get to do that. They get to feel the baby breastfeeding, they get to feel them in their wombs, they get to sleep with the baby every night, they get to experience a kind of bonding no dad will ever feel. On the other hand, a dad could choose to not engage, not to be a present dad. Mums never get that “choice”. Many are the stories of not-present or even not-known dads, and non-recognized babies. Seldom is it the same for mums. Yet, as pointed above, research shows that a strong baby-father bonding is beneficial for all. So, it is not really a choice, but something that is good for the dad himself, the baby, mum and everyone. Still, society seems to see it as a choice, like when the paternity leave is not offered or taken, or when seeing some dad’s actions as extraordinary for doing the same mums do by default. It does not help to see fatherhood as a choice when dad’s hormonal and brain positive feedbacks changes seem to only start 9 months after the mother, around the baby’s birth, which correlate with some of most abrupt lifestyle changes. Dad’s mourning their old identity is a common occurrence.
Another misconception of parenting I had was that for the first months of fatherhood, it’s not about the baby. It’s about supporting the mother. I can change diapers, and rock the baby, but I can’t breastfeed (especially if we don’t do bottles). Just like during pregnancy, there are a million things the mum should depend on you: from all house chores, cleaning, cooking, shopping, moving furniture around the room because it “must” be changed, … to bringing her food, or her phone, or her phone charger, or contact lenses case, (every.night.) or go buy that specific cookie. Add to the mix the incredible change in hormones, the physical recovery from birthing a human, the absolute lack of sleep and brutal short wake cycles of the baby, … the first weeks are not easy. Moreover, we, as many couples do, suffered from mental health problems. Post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety are very common both in mums and dads). Our family and friends, both on the phone and those who came to our home were incredibly helpful (thanks!). The company I work at was also great at offering thorough and professional help which we both used. It was a hard time for me, when time seemed to go slowly, with long days, longer nights, and changes only felt in weeks.
As the baby grows, it becomes so much rewarding. The smiles, the following your gaze, the coos, his relentless drive to learn and explore, the first shows of personality, the feeling of a family cadence between the chaos, the increased confidence when I could take the baby for longer periods letting the mum be self again for a while (especially when armed with a milk bottle on my walks with the baby). I would say at first the most important skill is supporting the mum, and then it shifts towards a new pillar, the art of distracting the baby. If he wants to do something he can’t or shouldn’t, when he cries, when he doesn’t want his clothes or diaper to be changed, … in all those cases life is incredibly much easier if you learn to distract and redirect their attention. It seems babies keep crying because they don’t like the feelings that accompany crying (uncertainty, fear, etc), and if you distract them from all that, they are perfectly happy. That sense of empowering keeps growing when you practice that new skill of distracting (from making weird noises, sing songs, weird faces, our favorite toys, to more powerful tricks like going for a walk at whatever time is needed, taking a shower, or for Sela go find the green cross of a pharmacy neon sign on the street).
As I am near the end of my parental leave, I reckon I DO have a strong attachment to my baby, that I know him, his personality and quirks, and that he loves me, he wants me. That I see my wife and the incredible work and effort she makes and has made. It still takes me a lot of energy and full focus to stay with him, but I can take care of him alone if need be. And need there was sometimes. It seems that two parents are barely enough to raise a baby, and only if everything is ok. If one falls sick, or a couple of consecutive days become a bit long, the whole system breaks down. It does take a village.
It is hard to come back to work. It was even harder to take the leave. So much of our identities is our professional identity that pausing it feels like losing yourself. I felt that when I took the leave. But it was also clear we needed the leave. For my own mental health, for our baby and for our family. It is even harder to leave if, like me, you are lucky to work on something you feel deeply passionate about, that fuels your moral compass and is core to what you want your life to be about, to care for future generations, my son included. Fighting climate change, biodiversity collapse and socio-economic development are that to me. It was really hard to stop all that, so I had to do it fully. I uninstalled the work apps, including email, LinkedIn, also Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, … all social media, even left the computer at home when we went to Spain.
It is now hard to come back. Not because I don’t want to, on the contrary, my intellectual mind is desperate to hit the ground running, to go full steam and do my best effort to help our project… but it’s hard to see how I can do that while also keep being the fully-present exclusively-dedicated deliberate needs-met securely-attached dad and husband I’ve practiced the last months. Even harder, I know neither of those extremes are viable, and finding the balance (or rather integration) will be a lifelong journey.
It was apt to start my leave on Thanksgiving, a reminder to be thankful and kind. Thankful for the support of family and friends, for a healthy baby, a great partner, and all the odds for a thriving future. I’m also thankful too for a fulfilling professional life, which I’m eager to resume in just a few days.
Ad Astra, per aspera.
“If you want something good, get it from yourself.” - Epictetus
Some other resources I’ve found useful: