In my last entry, I talked about how it has become important to me to not ignore the twinge - those moments when I feel something is off. The twinge means my needs are not being met. An unmet need always leads to conflict. If I'm not going to ignore it, what do I do instead?
People fall into one of two buckets during conflict: fight or flight. Most of the people you think of as "nice to work with" likely fall into the flight category. They are nice to work with, not because they are happy working with you, but because it is easier for them to bury things than to bring them up. Others bring things up, but indirectly, complaining to someone not involved. This complaining is another form of flight. They are not able to completely bury their feelings of discontent, but they also don't know what to do to change the situation. This is a very painful place to exist.
Then there are those who fight. I have not worked with many people like this in my career, but I hear stories about them. They are direct. In angry or sarcastic outbursts they cut others down in order to get their way. They are unable to contain their discontent. It bursts out of them in ways they later regret. Those who fall into the fight category, either get fired or they climb up the ladder of leadership, depending on how good they are at their job and how well they align with the current leadership of the company.
Neither reaction helps to build the type of place where I want to work (or live). Whether it is your instinct to fight or run, it is instinctual. It happens without thought or consideration. For me, I run away, burying my feelings, and numbing the pain of this burial. This leads to burnout and depression. Over the last few years, with the help of a few books and an excellent therapist, I've been learning a new way - a way that helps everyone in the situation to feel heard, and for all needs to be met without anyone having to compromise.
This way comes from the teachings of Marshal Rosenberg in the book Nonviolent Communication. The process looks something like this:
People fall into one of two buckets during conflict: fight or flight. Most of the people you think of as "nice to work with" likely fall into the flight category. They are nice to work with, not because they are happy working with you, but because it is easier for them to bury things than to bring them up. Others bring things up, but indirectly, complaining to someone not involved. This complaining is another form of flight. They are not able to completely bury their feelings of discontent, but they also don't know what to do to change the situation. This is a very painful place to exist.
Then there are those who fight. I have not worked with many people like this in my career, but I hear stories about them. They are direct. In angry or sarcastic outbursts they cut others down in order to get their way. They are unable to contain their discontent. It bursts out of them in ways they later regret. Those who fall into the fight category, either get fired or they climb up the ladder of leadership, depending on how good they are at their job and how well they align with the current leadership of the company.
Neither reaction helps to build the type of place where I want to work (or live). Whether it is your instinct to fight or run, it is instinctual. It happens without thought or consideration. For me, I run away, burying my feelings, and numbing the pain of this burial. This leads to burnout and depression. Over the last few years, with the help of a few books and an excellent therapist, I've been learning a new way - a way that helps everyone in the situation to feel heard, and for all needs to be met without anyone having to compromise.
This way comes from the teachings of Marshal Rosenberg in the book Nonviolent Communication. The process looks something like this:
- What happened?
- How did I feel?
- What do I need?
- What is my request?
This is the path I use to respond to the twinge. It requires effort, but results in change that is more than worth the energy input. There is a lot here (a whole book actually). I'll dive into each of these in future posts to explain how it works.