Peter and I got married this summer ♡ ̆̈
In some ways, this was a long time coming (8 years together!); in other ways, unexpected and unnatural for me, for us.
Before meeting Peter, in my early 20s, I had decided I was never going to get married. I really liked the idea of sharing a life with someone, but it seemed like a fantasy: my romantic partners had been too unreliable, life was changing too quickly, and I hadn't seen many, if any, positive long-term relationships. And when 6-month-long boyfriends were hurting my heart so constantly and carelessly, a lifelong marriage seemed the surest way to create a life filled with disappointment, despair, and betrayal.
A decade went by, and in my early 30s, I found myself in an 8-year love affair, a partnership that started out fun and funky and somehow *stayed* fun and funky. And, he never hurt my feelings, not once! I waited for the honeymoon phase to pass or for him to leave suddenly, but our respect, love, and enjoyment of each other bizarrely, somehow continued to deepen. A hardened edge of the cynicism softened and I began to hope and rely on the idea of a life together…
So I said, ya know what, let's go 👰
Before meeting Peter, in my early 20s, I had decided I was never going to get married. I really liked the idea of sharing a life with someone, but it seemed like a fantasy: my romantic partners had been too unreliable, life was changing too quickly, and I hadn't seen many, if any, positive long-term relationships. And when 6-month-long boyfriends were hurting my heart so constantly and carelessly, a lifelong marriage seemed the surest way to create a life filled with disappointment, despair, and betrayal.
A decade went by, and in my early 30s, I found myself in an 8-year love affair, a partnership that started out fun and funky and somehow *stayed* fun and funky. And, he never hurt my feelings, not once! I waited for the honeymoon phase to pass or for him to leave suddenly, but our respect, love, and enjoyment of each other bizarrely, somehow continued to deepen. A hardened edge of the cynicism softened and I began to hope and rely on the idea of a life together…
So I said, ya know what, let's go 👰
wedding planning
If anyone seems chill while wedding planning, they are either a. lying, b. sociopaths, or c. have a smooth, smooth brain / a life of scant emotional texture.
Wedding planning surfaces all things interpersonal: it sends beams of light into better-forgotten corners of your life, forces relational definitions that we really don't need in the everyday (who is invited, who sits where, who does what). I was going to try to forgo these things, and just host a completely formless free-for-all party: all are welcome, nothing in particular is happening today or being celebrated, look your best, have the most fun.
Unfortunately, Peter wanted a ceremony and some of the more traditional accoutrements; I struggled with this because participating in the ritual as it is in the US now seems to turn the focus outward, invites comparison and expectation. What I felt I could honor better in a different way becomes about *the wedding*.
But then, one of my best friends asked me if what was fueling the “let’s just have a party!” impulse was: trying to not take up space, if I was making myself smaller. Argue to me that my preferences are the result of uninterrogated misogyny, and I'll make an immediate about-face!!
So, if we were gonna do all this, then we really needed to not participate in the Wedding Industrial Complex, the rapidly-escalating cold war of status-mongering; I needed it to be meaningful.
At its best, the wedding ceremony and traditional ritual has great expressive potential (which I think is often the intent, but gets lost in all the hubbub): "hey, these are our values, this is what we've built, this is what we're proud of, this is what we're happy about, this is what matters to us, this is what we want, this is who we are."
But, this is vulnerable, and this is when the interpersonal stuff begins surfacing, if you can manage it.
Wedding planning surfaces all things interpersonal: it sends beams of light into better-forgotten corners of your life, forces relational definitions that we really don't need in the everyday (who is invited, who sits where, who does what). I was going to try to forgo these things, and just host a completely formless free-for-all party: all are welcome, nothing in particular is happening today or being celebrated, look your best, have the most fun.
Unfortunately, Peter wanted a ceremony and some of the more traditional accoutrements; I struggled with this because participating in the ritual as it is in the US now seems to turn the focus outward, invites comparison and expectation. What I felt I could honor better in a different way becomes about *the wedding*.
But then, one of my best friends asked me if what was fueling the “let’s just have a party!” impulse was: trying to not take up space, if I was making myself smaller. Argue to me that my preferences are the result of uninterrogated misogyny, and I'll make an immediate about-face!!
So, if we were gonna do all this, then we really needed to not participate in the Wedding Industrial Complex, the rapidly-escalating cold war of status-mongering; I needed it to be meaningful.
At its best, the wedding ceremony and traditional ritual has great expressive potential (which I think is often the intent, but gets lost in all the hubbub): "hey, these are our values, this is what we've built, this is what we're proud of, this is what we're happy about, this is what matters to us, this is what we want, this is who we are."
But, this is vulnerable, and this is when the interpersonal stuff begins surfacing, if you can manage it.
love, joy, hope compounded
Several weeks before our wedding-wedding, we had a teeny little solo wedding day in NYC, constructed to be about and between us. Our NYC wedding was meant to be a failsafe if the wedding weekend ended up feeling not our own.
The NYC day was wonderful, but to my very great surprise, the wedding weekend was the best weekend of my life!!!
A friend who couldn't make it to the wedding asked how it was several days later and in the immediate aftermath of delirious happiness I wrote:
The NYC day was wonderful, but to my very great surprise, the wedding weekend was the best weekend of my life!!!
A friend who couldn't make it to the wedding asked how it was several days later and in the immediate aftermath of delirious happiness I wrote:
It was a DREAM, wish you were there
I had very cynical expectations of the whole thing and it actually was the most healing via community happiness experience I've ever had in my life. I feel embodied and trusting and empowered and excited and in and of the world in a way I never imagined possible
The Peter Claire stuff like that we knew was solid and happy, my extreme feelings of happiness are entirely about like communitiness
Which I knew I wanted to enshrine in the day but was honored for me in a way I didn't know possible
AND U WOULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL ESSENTIAL PART OF IT
But guess what you ARE
What I want most in the world is love, joy, and hope, and I want more of it, everywhere. I believe these are intrinsic human desires, and I think we’d pretty much abundantly have this for everyone, if there weren’t systems at work in the world, people at work in the world, who gain power, influence, control, and dominion when there is less love, joy, and hope going around.
My wedding compounded love, joy, and hope for me. I had the instant experience of seeing these feelings multiply, feeling them take root in myself and others. The wedding ended up being a deeply healing, importantly restorative exercise for me, a radical experience of seeing what I put into the world, given back, expanded, made better and more whole. I was deeply afraid having a formal wedding would distract away from me and Peter, and it did, in the best way: it ended up being truly about community, about everyone else, about the concentric circles of support we’re so blessed to have around us. I feel so deeply lucky I got to have this ❤️
Details
City Hall Wedding
We stayed in separate rooms at the Walker Hotel; he watched I Married a Witch and I watched I Married an Axe Murderer in our teeny cubby hotel rooms. We got ready separately, and then walked over to the Manhattan City Clerk's Office with our witness, Reid. After the ceremony, we went to Le Coucou for lunch. We changed after lunch and got photos of our auras at Magic Jewelry; sat for awhile in a park, then got massages. We ended the day by meeting our closest friends for a karaoke dim sum mini-banquet at House of Joy. Reid's rendition of Creep got a standing ovation from the out-of-state high school music program that was occupying the rest of the restaurant!!
Welcome Party
Venue: The Griswold Inn
Qipao: Sylvia's Boutique
Necklace: Grandma's :)
Shoes: Bared Footwear
At the welcome party, we played Taiwanese door games to kick off the weekend: in Chinese tradition, marriage meant the bride was leaving her family for good, in order to join a new family. There's also ideas around the Bride being her family's most prized possession (lol), and that they will not give her up easily. So given how much she and her family is sacrificing, the groom has to prove he is worthy of her, how badly he wants to marry her, how great her life will be with him, etc. So the groom is given a series of challenges at the door, that he has to complete, in order to enter (and for the rest of the weekend to proceed as planned...).
Peter's challenges:
We stayed in separate rooms at the Walker Hotel; he watched I Married a Witch and I watched I Married an Axe Murderer in our teeny cubby hotel rooms. We got ready separately, and then walked over to the Manhattan City Clerk's Office with our witness, Reid. After the ceremony, we went to Le Coucou for lunch. We changed after lunch and got photos of our auras at Magic Jewelry; sat for awhile in a park, then got massages. We ended the day by meeting our closest friends for a karaoke dim sum mini-banquet at House of Joy. Reid's rendition of Creep got a standing ovation from the out-of-state high school music program that was occupying the rest of the restaurant!!
Welcome Party
Venue: The Griswold Inn
Qipao: Sylvia's Boutique
Necklace: Grandma's :)
Shoes: Bared Footwear
At the welcome party, we played Taiwanese door games to kick off the weekend: in Chinese tradition, marriage meant the bride was leaving her family for good, in order to join a new family. There's also ideas around the Bride being her family's most prized possession (lol), and that they will not give her up easily. So given how much she and her family is sacrificing, the groom has to prove he is worthy of her, how badly he wants to marry her, how great her life will be with him, etc. So the groom is given a series of challenges at the door, that he has to complete, in order to enter (and for the rest of the weekend to proceed as planned...).
Peter's challenges:
- "Push-ups of Passion". Peter had to do pushups with a pen in his mouth until he had written "I ♥️ CK" on a piece of paper. Emceed by Mahima
- "Flavors of Forever". Marriage can be a variety of flavors – sweet, sour, bitter, or spicy. In order to test Peter’s ability to handle every situation, he was blindfolded and ate/drank powerful versions of each flavor. All he had to do was persist. Emceed by Isabelle
- "Kiss and Tell". Peter had to look at a set of lipstick stains, and correctly identify the one that was mine. Emceed by Ijeoma
- "Lipsync for your Love". Peter had to spin a wheel with a selection of songs, and then lip sync the randomly-selected one with reckless, passionate abandon. The room had to rate his performance via clap-o-meter with enough applause in order for Peter to succeed. The randomly selected song was LLUUWWB. Emceed by Sasha
Wedding Ceremony & Reception
Boy of Honor: Simon
Celebrant: Saha
Transportation to/from ceremony: Essex Steam Train
Engagement ring: vintage from Pippin
Dress: Vivienne Westwood
Necklace: vintage from Pippin
Wedding rings: Marian Maurer
Shoes: Bared Footwear
Purse: vintage from Cure Thrift (wedding gift from Peter!)
Veil: Ofrenda Studio
Venue: Lace Factory
Ceremony music: Richard & Reid Jenkins
Activity: Ringback Memories (people left us voicemails that we got to listen to while we were driving around on our road trip honeymoon!)
Hair & Makeup: Maysoon Faraj
DJ: Zach Kerns
Photographer: Simply K Studios
Florals: New Leaf Florals
Party favors: Snowcubes
Afterparty: Surfridge Brewing
Key music moments:
Processional song: Peter Coles - Golden Silver
Recessional song: Bill Withers - Lovely Day
Entrance song: Faye Wong - 夢中人 (cantopop cover of The Cranberries' Dreams)
Cake cutting: Fancy - Slice Me Nice
First dance: Prince and the Revolution - I Would Die 4 U
Dance floor start: David Bowie - Let's Dance
Slow dance: Christy Moore - The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Final song: Donna Lewis - I Love You Always Forever