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As if it being a Wednesday (and being asked to take a narcissist's survey) isn't enough already, I am choosing today to introduce a new character to this blog. One likely to send you running for last week's Ultra Chill playlist.
As a refresher, I occasionally reference these fake folks - it is how I like to represent views here with which I mostly/completely disagree.
Seamus Colonnity: Ultra MAGA Right Wing Nutjob Madison Wright (previously unnamed): The Psycho Woke And now, I am proud disgusted to introduce Roy Dirwin: Self-Entitled Millennial Roy was inspired by a real, live tech bro who happens to live in our apartment building here in SF. In fact, my pals and neighbors Laura Gonzalez and Andrew Whistler will know exactly of whom I speak. While I've never met him, I have seen him (although he looked away from us in our hallway), and Laura, Andrew, Julie and I all get to deal with this young man and his . . . entitlement.
So in a blog many (none) have been wanting, here are some of Roy's specific transgressions, followed by a cavalcade of related societal behaviors. That seem, more often or not, to be committed by people just like the very very busy and very very important Roy Dirwin.
See if you recognize any or all of these - or worse - if you have a touch of Roy inside yourself.
Roy's Desk Of course, a big player like Roy, part of the team at the major major major venture capital firm Liamneeson Mankowitz - in the gaming and 3D space, to boot - certainly needs a motorized stand-up desk. And despite being in a huge box, what was so impressive is that Mr. Dirwin let us admire its shipping crate in the lobby of our building - for months, and despite him being home. I guess he couldn't be bothered? No TaskRabbit available? Or perhaps he was too busy doing deals? But if not the fancy desk, on what, prey tell, did he work his dealmaking magic?
Roy's Perishables Likewise, Roy's fruits and vegetables. Look, he's just too fucking busy to go to a store, nor can you expect him to eat just any banana like some plebian. So, of course, Roy has his fresh stuff delivered from an organic local farm.
Except he leaves the deliveries in the lobby for days/weeks - just like the desk. And again, we know he's home. But the fruits and veggies don't age in their box quite as well as the desk . . .
Fun Fact: it was this event that was the muse for today's post. I eventually got fed up enough that I picked up the (festering) box and put it directly in front of his apartment's door.
Roy's Scooter Box What Roy definitely did drag up the single flight of stairs to his certainly swank Marina studio was his brand-spanking new electric scooter - "powered by Segway" even! I can just imagine the smirk on his smarmy face as he sped off on his new ride for a pour-over at Philz.
But Roy was in such a hurry for a $7 coffee that he couldn't be bothered to break down the ginormous box in which his scooter was delivered. Instead, he kindly left it fully intact, such that it blocked all of the rest of us from even getting to the shared recycling bins for our building. But hey - it's Roy Dirwin, and who has the 2 minutes to break down a huge cardboard box and put it where it belongs?
What follows are societal infractions that might just bother you as much as they bother me. But just know most of these are right up Roy's alley.
Double Parkers Would it be wrong if I say they should simply be killed? This is the epitome of selfishness and a complete disregard for the common good. But it seems to be getting worse, not better? Fun Fact: I once confronted a double parker, after seeing how she had blocked someone parked legally, against the curb, who now couldn't leave when they wanted. You see, that's because Sally Stanford wanted her morning vanilla half-cap with no foam, and couldn't be bothered to find a real parking space.
When I said something to her, she yelled at me and said I was "mean". Of course she did.
Watching Videos on a Phone In Public Without Headphones This seems to be growing in popularity, especially at airports - a place I know I enjoy extra annoyances. Of course, ear buds are so expensive these days, I can certainly understand this trend. Checking Out at The Supermarket Multiple Times OK, OK - I was wrong: Roy Dirwin is only an indirect offender here, because he has his quinoa and Kombucha delivered from Whole Foods.
But this trend - one that caused me to call out an offender at Safeway just last week - is growing along with grocery shopping services like Instacart and Shipt. Maybe you've seen it?
You queue up behind someone that has just one cart, a full one. But then they check out 2 or 3 or even 4 different times, such that they keep the goods and the charges for them separate for each of their customers. The people in line behind the bulk shopper? Well, they'll just have to wait.
Fun Fact: when I pointed out how wrong it is to run through 3 separate orders without waiting again in line each time, the shopping scofflaw in question accused me of "waking up on the wrong side of the bed".
Stopping Illegally "To Be Nice" This is right out of the The Psycho Woke playbook. And surely, I can't be the only one that finds it annoying, and also conceivably quite dangerous. This is when the car ahead of you will simply stop or not proceed in traffic, to allow a driver without the right of way to gain access.
Some may laugh at this, but I'm actually fairly courteous and some might even say generous. But that ends on the street - they're called "rules of the road" instead of "suggestions for the road" for a reason.
The FU Honk Is this just an SF thing? I've never really experienced it anywhere else, and it definitely fits the dynamics of some people here. Similar to the above, you'll be driving down a street, and you'll see that someone is about to back out of their driveway and into traffic, because they don't see you. So you tap on your horn to warn them - which is kinda the point of a car's horn. But somehow that's now an aggressive act. So after your beep to warn them, you'll more often than not hear another sound: the other driver's FU Honk.
Flipflops Away From the Beach I know it's a generational thing, but will a non-dinosaur reader please tell me 1) why this is a good look anywhere, and 2) if it is that much more work to slip on something else? Talking On a Phone in Public for An Extended Period OK, occasionally everyone must make or take an important call in public - but end it quickly, please? Nobody, I mean nobody, wants to hear about the trivia of your life. (Plus, there's blogging for that.) My Lawn Get off it, punk!
And have a great rest of the week.
FROM THE UNWASHED MASSES
Well, it happened - I've reached the mountaintop.
First, there were The Kardashians. And now, the über influencer, Portico Darwin. At least that's what cool chick Elizabeth "Polly" Michaels thinks. I had no idea.
Primo just bought your recommended shaving mirror and Gumchucks. They didn't have your black jeans in his size on Amazon but he bought something similar.
You are now an official influencer. 😂😘😘
Actually, that makes the boytoy data scientist Primo Harvey PhD. reader number two to go for the Gumchucks. I want someone to tell me what's cooler than influencing what floss people use!
Thank you to any one that is reading this newsletter.
KLUF
If I liked the band more, the perfect call for today would be Metallica's St. Anger. Sorry, Günther Strobel.
Instead, I will go in the opposite - and I mean fucking completely - opposite direction. Here is Masa Takumi and his Grammy-winning and very lovely Sakura.
