Dean Clough

November 27, 2023

Portico Darwin: My Take Down of "Love Actually"


<2 Minute Read

Happy Monday, and whew, please stop the holidays, I want to get off.   

But of course, even though Thanksgiving is over, we're only getting started.  I turn 60 soon (yes, there's a party, and yes, you're invited - ping me), and then there's the matter of a 3-week trip to Hoboken and Manhattan beginning on 12/12.  And wow is it going to be something being there for both Christmas and New Year's.

So let's formally kick things off by trashing a beloved holiday movie.

OK, I get I'm not the first to skewer the movie Love Actually.  While a holiday must-see for many, including my better half, others love to hate on this gut-wrenching (-retching?) waste of celluloid.  You can put me firmly in the latter camp.  Well, at least mostly.

Why?  I am so glad you asked.

The Cars
OK - WTF was the production budget for this movie?  Judging by the shitty cars used by the Prime Minister of Great Britain and the President of the United States in this film, it had to be pretty f'ing low.

Not even regular people wanted to own such a tiny and off-brand Jaguar, and the Lincoln used by President Billy Bob Thornton was more befitting a sketchy car service in Dallas vs. the leader of the free world.


POTUS as Masher
I suppose I can perhaps imagine Trump doing something like groping an assistant to the British Prime Minister.  But even that's a stretch - in the first place, Trump's tiny little hands couldn't handle Natalie's girth.

"You Saucy Minx"
With his major crush on staff member Natalie activated, one of the most gag-inducing parts of the movie (and there are so many) is when Hugh Grant turns to a portrait of a predecessor, the famously sexual Margaret Thatcher, for guidance.

Uh, no.

Liam Neeson's Stepson, His Drumming, and His Crush
OK, it's very sad when a boy's mother dies.  But nothing - and I mean fucking nothing - justifies the drumming, the sniveling, or the object of his crush singing "All I Want for Christmas is You."

Look, it sucks when Mariah Carey sings it, and this kid certainly doesn't help things.

"I Look Quite Pretty" - Perhaps, But Please Eat a Sandwich

The Office Slut
Can we all agree that, while hot, this actress layered it on a bit thick?  Especially when Alan freaking Rickman is who you're chasing? 

Laura Linney and Her Endless Dedication
Again and like Liam Neeson's stepson losing his mother, a sister's commitment to family - in this case her institutionalized brother who calls constantly - doesn't warrant snarky cracks from the more selfish among us.

But maybe just this one time you could have let it go to voicemail?  I mean the guy had his pants off . . .

The Worst Actor - Ever
Indeed, he should have kept his pants on and gone to acting school instead.

Enough, and yes, there are parts to the movie I enjoy (or at least forever etched in my memory).  Indeed, 10 Seconds of Seriousness (or maybe a Fun Fact):  Despite my witty repartee, I never fail to choke up at the end of Love Actually, during the reuniting scenes at LHR.  I bet I'm not the only one.

Have a great week. 


Much gratitude to all of those that made our Thanksgiving holiday another great one.  As the movie says:  Love actually . . . is all around.

I think I just threw-up a little bit in my mouth.  Again.

Thank you for reading this newsletter.  


Let's kick it old school and turn to Mr. Frank Sinatra.  Heck, he was probably nearing 60 himself when he released this. 

Here, and befitting the sex (or close to it) throughout Love Actually, is Songs for Swingin' Lovers.

About Dean Clough