Dean Clough

February 13, 2023

Portico Darwin: Woke Me When It's Over


<2 Minute Read
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It's Monday, but cheer up:  we're going to Wokistan!  And even better, we're starting at the candy store!

These Boots Are Made For Woking
By now, you may have heard of the trials and tribulations of that tramp proud woman, the Green M&M.  You see, some found her original incarnation misogynist.  Of course they did:  look how real she looked.

How dare a cartoon character appear comically feminine!  This most certainly demeans . . . somebody.  Somewhere. 

Well, it must have, because the uproar was so great Mars (the maker of M&M's) literally changed her shoes.  To sneakers.  Because, you know, a quasi-androgynous cartoon character in Stan Smith's is far less insulting to women than one donning go-go boots.  I know I certainly feel better, I'm just a privileged white man.

But wait, it gets worse.  The storm in Wokistan grew to such an intensity that Mars pulled the plug on the whole cartoon character thing altogether, rather than face the ongoing rage on social media.

Perhaps you've already seen the (really fucking stupid) new ads, featuring America's darling (?), Maya Rudolph. 

Watch one of these and tell me again what is demeaning to women?

But do you know what's even worse?  The word "king", which some clearly feel needs to be erased from the public lexicon. 

This Tide is Definitely Going Out
Or so says Lori Lambertson, a science educator at one of SF's gems, The Exploratorium museum, located on our waterfront.  She may be a science educator, but Ms. Lambertson clearly has bigger things on her mind.  And perhaps a bit too much time on her hands?

Because you see, she was conducting a public education session at the museum recently, one that intentionally coincided with our most recent "king tides" - ocean tides so named because they are the highest that occur during an entire year.  Yes, that's SF Bay as high as The Embarcadero, a major boulevard here.

But, as you will learn from this excerpt from an article that appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, Ms. Lambertson has decided the term "king tides" - however descriptive and no matter how historical its use - is sexist.

The crowd huddled in for warmth as Lambertson delivered her main message:  The term “king tides” should be retired on account of being sexist.  She has proposed calling them “royal tides,” which might take a while to catch on, though Lambertson urged it along by inviting her audience to chant “royal tides”  in unison.  “It’s more inclusive,” Lambertson said.  

Yes, nothing says inclusion more than a bunch of strangers chanting "royal tides" in unison at a public museum.

Ms. Lambertson, you are completely Psycho Woke and I politely invite you to fuck right off.

My friends, I am as progressive as anyone that you know.  But this Psycho Woke madness must stop.  Brownies, pronouns, cartoon character footwear, and a benign name for tidal events should not a moral panic make. 

All of this angst is making me hungry.  I think some fresh king royal salmon sounds great for dinner, don't you?  At least I'm not homeless unhoused, and I have a place in which to cook it!


In a recent dispatch from South East Asia, our correspondent Arthur was kind enough to share this sublime photo.
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2 months or so in duration, he and Mrs. Crup are really quite the jetsetters on this mega trip.  The Taj Mahal in India one day, the powder white sand beaches of Hua Hin in Thailand the next. 

A week here looks OK!
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Thank you to any one that is reading this newsletter.


An American legend?  Sure, but I still feel all of James Brown's music should be deleted, if only to save women from the trauma of having to hear this album's title track. 

But wait:  wasn't the fact he experienced racism a mitigating factor? 

Wow, is this stuff hard to follow!

Here is James Brown (Soul Brother #1!) on the inflammatorily-named It's a Man's Man's Man's World

Heck, he's even sporting a crown.  Like a KING!

Question:  if we're going for equality, doesn't this mean that Dana Owens's stage name must now be Royal Latifah?  And would it not be less sexist to refer to Aretha Franklin as The Royal of Soul? 

See, I said this stuff is hard to follow . . .

Fun Fact:  this album's title is supposedly a play on the words of the title from a movie released just a couple of years prior, the 1963 gonzo and decidedly non-woke classic "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World". 

About Dean Clough

Plans To Enjoy Life.