I was posturing during an interview in 2007 when I sad that. My future boss was surprised by the answer, but liked it. I swelled with pride of an achievement chasing twenty five year old.

Over a decade later, I find myself frustrated, listened and surly towards life more often than I’d like to admit. I feel pulled towards a cask strength experienced of life, but don’t know if it’s to fuel my own sense of elitism or something more virtuous. Maybe I’m just wanting to feel special, to get the attention from mommy and daddy that I didn’t get enough of at an early age.

I like my coffee black, strong, and bitter enough to hurt my stomach. Most mornings this is a double shot of espresso pulled ristretto style. A caffeinated cold shower. I like my alcohol strong and most of the time straight up, no chaser. The irony of this is not lost on me. Numb full strength life with some strong alcohol. But why?

At the root of it, I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel good enough unless I’m approaching the edge. This sort of comes from my vacillation, a lack of commitment to the extreme. I read Twight’s intentionally over the top ‘Twitching’ and am intimidated by the honesty. Yet its pull remains.

Truth. Honesty. Raw, genuine living. I fear living a life of quiet desperation, yet every day I make my bed in that path, or rut, or grave. I’m afraid to wake the fuck up. I’m afraid to nuke the foundation. That feels irresponsible and immature for a thirty seven year old with a wife and two kids. The heavy mortgage indeed makes me polite. The responsibility that I chose makes me solemn and surly. 

Am I not seeking out hard problems? I surely have found some. I want life at cask strength, but why do I numb myself to the experience that I seek?

What’s the honest answer? I don’t know what I’m after. I want to feel different, to feel special, to feel recognition. To feel worthy. But at its core, that’s just five year old me looking for attention.

The question then is, do I have the courage and fortitude to live life without a chaser? Without diluting the strength? Taking the cleanest line. To feel raw emotion, to love unconditionally, to grow as a person. 

Especially when it’s hard.