Doing pain well.
As an elder, I got words and thoughts. Nope, you don't have to pay any attention to them. But they ain't going away.
To start:
I read...
"I’ve been stuck - emotionally, spiritually - for months. And it’s because I’m not doing pain well enough. I’m skirting around it. I’m doing things at half-measure. I’m strategizing it with theories and clever language."
Doing pain well.
February 10 2009.
At Ten Years Clean and Sober.
Ten years of work. Circling around a spot. Not settling for what my head told me was okay. Asking for help. Living with not knowing anything. Rediscovering a connection with life unfiltered by my own idiocy. Becoming okay with doing nothing, at first just for moments, then for longer and longer periods. Not having to react. Listening to others and heeding their advice. Inviting my demons to sit down with me. Taking a risk to open my heart to another. Actually giving a damn about another human. Oh, and more.
A decade ago. Sometimes I feel like in a decade I should have become so much more than I am today.
Then I remember. What a great gift that memory.
That memory of total, unqualified, absolute surrender. That waving the white flag in complete, unconditional defeat. Shameless, naked, abandonment of all hope. A black hole where regrets, resentments, self-loathing, in fact, all that marks me as unique, is sucked away and can never escape. That moment when all sums of despair turn to infinities, and nothingness awaits.
This moment is this, because that moment was that.
As an elder, I got words and thoughts. Nope, you don't have to pay any attention to them. But they ain't going away.
To start:
I read...
"I’ve been stuck - emotionally, spiritually - for months. And it’s because I’m not doing pain well enough. I’m skirting around it. I’m doing things at half-measure. I’m strategizing it with theories and clever language."
Doing pain well.
February 10 2009.
At Ten Years Clean and Sober.
Ten years of work. Circling around a spot. Not settling for what my head told me was okay. Asking for help. Living with not knowing anything. Rediscovering a connection with life unfiltered by my own idiocy. Becoming okay with doing nothing, at first just for moments, then for longer and longer periods. Not having to react. Listening to others and heeding their advice. Inviting my demons to sit down with me. Taking a risk to open my heart to another. Actually giving a damn about another human. Oh, and more.
A decade ago. Sometimes I feel like in a decade I should have become so much more than I am today.
Then I remember. What a great gift that memory.
That memory of total, unqualified, absolute surrender. That waving the white flag in complete, unconditional defeat. Shameless, naked, abandonment of all hope. A black hole where regrets, resentments, self-loathing, in fact, all that marks me as unique, is sucked away and can never escape. That moment when all sums of despair turn to infinities, and nothingness awaits.
This moment is this, because that moment was that.