Origins:
"We know for certain, for instance, for some reason for some time in the beginning there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space. These insignificant lumps came together to form the first union: our Sun, the heating system. And about this glowing gasbag rotated the Earth.
We were covered with a molten scum of rock, bobbing on the surface like rats. Later, when there was less heat, these giant rock groups settled down among the land masses. During this extinct time, our earth was like a steam room - and no one, not even man, could get in. However, the oceans and the sewers were simmering with a rich protein stew and the mountains moved in to surround and protect them. They didn't know then that living, as we know it, was already taken over.
Animals without backbones hid from each other, or fell down. Clambasaurs and oysterettes appeared as appetizers - then came the sponges, which sucked up about 10 percent of all life. Hundreds of years later, in the late Devouring Period, the fish became obnoxious. Trailerbites, Chickerbites, and Mosqwitoes collided aimlessly in the dense gas. Finally, tiny edible plants sprang up in rows - giving birth to generations of insecticides and other small, dying creatures.
Millions of months passed and, 28 days later, the moon appeared. This small change was reflected best, perhaps, in the sand dollar, which shrank to almost nothing in the bottom of the pool. Where even dumb amphibians like catfish laid their eggs in the boiling waters, only to be gobbled up every 3 minutes by the giant sea orphans (which scared everybody).
And so, in fear and hot water, man is born:
"I am La Brea man, I am first man - wife and I live in pits. I discover pain and boredom and how to use hands in self-defense."
"I am his son, I am called Plow Man - I was the first to dig the earth and make the rivers run backwards. There was no stopping me."
"I am his many cousins - I chip the stone. I smelt the rock. I lay the asphalt. Together, we made enough noise to keep the wolves awake."
"I am his godson, Civilized Man. I harnessed the secret of the calendar and the power of the wig to build the pyramids."
"I am his mentor, Hypocricies. I put him through school, where he learned to stand up for a principle and sit down on his own stool."
"I am his father, Caesarian. I sent him away from home for something to live on and paid him to fight over it."
So now, everywhere he went, man dropped a great load of knowledge - forming a rich compost where slumbered the modifying spark of humanity."
----
~ (Ripped off, without apology, from the Firesign Theater.)
"We know for certain, for instance, for some reason for some time in the beginning there were hot lumps. Cold and lonely, they whirled noiselessly through the black holes of space. These insignificant lumps came together to form the first union: our Sun, the heating system. And about this glowing gasbag rotated the Earth.
We were covered with a molten scum of rock, bobbing on the surface like rats. Later, when there was less heat, these giant rock groups settled down among the land masses. During this extinct time, our earth was like a steam room - and no one, not even man, could get in. However, the oceans and the sewers were simmering with a rich protein stew and the mountains moved in to surround and protect them. They didn't know then that living, as we know it, was already taken over.
Animals without backbones hid from each other, or fell down. Clambasaurs and oysterettes appeared as appetizers - then came the sponges, which sucked up about 10 percent of all life. Hundreds of years later, in the late Devouring Period, the fish became obnoxious. Trailerbites, Chickerbites, and Mosqwitoes collided aimlessly in the dense gas. Finally, tiny edible plants sprang up in rows - giving birth to generations of insecticides and other small, dying creatures.
Millions of months passed and, 28 days later, the moon appeared. This small change was reflected best, perhaps, in the sand dollar, which shrank to almost nothing in the bottom of the pool. Where even dumb amphibians like catfish laid their eggs in the boiling waters, only to be gobbled up every 3 minutes by the giant sea orphans (which scared everybody).
And so, in fear and hot water, man is born:
"I am La Brea man, I am first man - wife and I live in pits. I discover pain and boredom and how to use hands in self-defense."
"I am his son, I am called Plow Man - I was the first to dig the earth and make the rivers run backwards. There was no stopping me."
"I am his many cousins - I chip the stone. I smelt the rock. I lay the asphalt. Together, we made enough noise to keep the wolves awake."
"I am his godson, Civilized Man. I harnessed the secret of the calendar and the power of the wig to build the pyramids."
"I am his mentor, Hypocricies. I put him through school, where he learned to stand up for a principle and sit down on his own stool."
"I am his father, Caesarian. I sent him away from home for something to live on and paid him to fight over it."
So now, everywhere he went, man dropped a great load of knowledge - forming a rich compost where slumbered the modifying spark of humanity."
----
~ (Ripped off, without apology, from the Firesign Theater.)