Sitting at home doomscrolling the news of pandemics, lockdowns, babies in cages, black folk shot in the back for no reason, and the slow but inevitable destruction of the habitable planet. Watching 30% of the nation cheer this destruction on. One can scream, cry, and yell until you just can’t do that anymore. Or, you can bake bread, sew masks, watch everything on Netflix, and pretend to get on with it. Becoming ever more creative about the things you can put in a blender and make a smoothie with.
Yet, yet, here is the rub. It’s still there. That feeling. The small quiet hum of a feeling that no matter what you do, and somedays you do a lot, it is never going to make a difference. You feel doomed. Caught in a trap, unable to move. While that hum of dread eats away at your brain. So you redouble your efforts, try on a new skill that might lead to change. Make new contacts. Build new cohorts organized around justice and mutual aid.
This lifts your sprits, allows for more life in your life. Grants you a temporary reprieve from the existential hum. Things are looking a bit better, till you accidentally catch the news, and find that 17 new fucked up things just happened. “Shit”, you say to the mirror, “is this a cycle, repeating over and over”? One week filled with hope and struggle, and the next back into the howling existential dread.
You ask the elderly neighbor woman about this, and she just chuckles while hanging her laundry on the line. “Honey, don’t you pay no mind to all that.” and then just reaches for more wet clothes. So you try again to just get on with it. Ignoring the fact that your brain is rotting, that you feel stupider everyday. Lying awake at night thinking of tumors, and disability.
~~~~~~~
In the early days of smoothie making you started with fresh fruit and a bit of ice cream. Experimenting you moved onto vegetables and exotic juices. Hunting down recipes online, and talking to health freaks. Many of these concoctions were hideous, and undrinkable. Some felt nourishing and tasted pretty good.
This simple task, of throwing random foods into a machine that smashes, and then liquefies, was so satisfying, with its noise, and motion. You came to look forward to these acts of both reductionism and nutrition.
Will it blend? Of course. Came the answer. This was not baking the perfect sourdough bread. This was not even an attempt to improve your health, this was operating a machine whose only job was to inflict massive punishment to affect a phase change. Solid to liquid. Whole to flowing. While walking the floor of the supermarket, your thought is, what can I jam into the blender with this, that would in its destruction be satisfying.
~~~~~~
Until recently you had been too busy with life, to think much about how you went about copping with your emotions. They were just there, adding richness, and flavor to your life. Like the musical score to a movie. But now they had become a hindrance. These emotional binges, like sitting on a wrecking ball, a wildly swinging pendulum between numbing terror, and the gratitude of helping in some small way another human. There seemed no way to stop this, to just rest.
That is what you crave, rest. To turn down the volume from 11 to about 3.
So you take an internet break, for 2 weeks, no television, no web browsing, no news anywhere. You just stop and get off the train. At first this makes sense, and after the nervousness of feeling left out fades. It is a relief. Then one day while reading that novel you always meant to read. It hits you. The howling existential hum is back. It never left, and because you aren’t masking it with news, it is louder and more terrorizing.
~~~~~~
In advanced smoothie making, although anything will blend, it is the only the precise mixture of ingredients, that make a really good smoothie. One that is both drinkable, and nutritious. That the most enjoyable smoothie is greater than the sum of its parts. A great smoothie is an emergent property. One with a quality that is hard to predict, just from its constituent parts.
~~~~~~
In your desperation, you read up on happiness, and find a whole lot of jargon, and bullshit. You have all the ingredients for happiness. Yet it is not blending together. Most days you are able to function, go about the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and doing the good work you expect of yourself. The background hum is always there, yet now you know it won’t kill you. This is an important first step to understand that the howling existential dread, is survivable.
In talking to close friends, you find that you are not alone in this hyper emotional state. Many are feeling overwhelmed, and ashamed to admit that they are also consumed and at the edge of control. Most are into the blaming phase of grief, “It is the media, and social networks.” Or “It is the vast inequality.” Even “Gaia is sick, and trying to exterminate humans.” None of these excuses rings true to you. So you seek an answer in other directions.
~~~~~~
You are now receiving praise for you smoothies. You have settled into a workman like routine. Limiting the recipes to a dozen or so sure hits. Somedays tweaking the flavors slightly, but staying on a balance between sweetness and bitterness. As this routine deepens, you are surprised to find brief moments, as you hold down the #4 button of the blender, completely unaffected by the mental hum of dread. If you notice, yes, it is still there, but seamanly at a large distance. There’s no epiphany in this. This is just you making smoothies.
~~~~~~
Over the months you have been struggling with this. All the mood swings. All the self examination. The search for a fix. The suffering of the suffering. The blame, and the demand for a rational explanation. All of this. The howling existential dread has not gone away. But an odd thing has happened, you longer fear it, no longer suffer it. It is still very unpleasant. It can almost close down your heart, but not quite. You do not run from it, nor embrace it, wallowing.
By inviting the hum inside to have tea. It becomes less and less. It is not exactly a friend but it is not an enemy either. You have stoped trying to defeat it.
You have noticed that like smoothies, this hum can have different flavors, sometimes sharp and nasty, other times dull and boring. You would not have known this if you had continued to push it away.
~~~~~~
You’re now renowned for your smoothies, Friends and family ask each visit for one. You are glad to provide. Happy in smashing up stuff with your finger pressed hard on the #4 button of the blender. The rough noise clears your head.
That moment when you serve others, and their faces light up.
“We Be The Humans”
Yet, yet, here is the rub. It’s still there. That feeling. The small quiet hum of a feeling that no matter what you do, and somedays you do a lot, it is never going to make a difference. You feel doomed. Caught in a trap, unable to move. While that hum of dread eats away at your brain. So you redouble your efforts, try on a new skill that might lead to change. Make new contacts. Build new cohorts organized around justice and mutual aid.
This lifts your sprits, allows for more life in your life. Grants you a temporary reprieve from the existential hum. Things are looking a bit better, till you accidentally catch the news, and find that 17 new fucked up things just happened. “Shit”, you say to the mirror, “is this a cycle, repeating over and over”? One week filled with hope and struggle, and the next back into the howling existential dread.
You ask the elderly neighbor woman about this, and she just chuckles while hanging her laundry on the line. “Honey, don’t you pay no mind to all that.” and then just reaches for more wet clothes. So you try again to just get on with it. Ignoring the fact that your brain is rotting, that you feel stupider everyday. Lying awake at night thinking of tumors, and disability.
~~~~~~~
In the early days of smoothie making you started with fresh fruit and a bit of ice cream. Experimenting you moved onto vegetables and exotic juices. Hunting down recipes online, and talking to health freaks. Many of these concoctions were hideous, and undrinkable. Some felt nourishing and tasted pretty good.
This simple task, of throwing random foods into a machine that smashes, and then liquefies, was so satisfying, with its noise, and motion. You came to look forward to these acts of both reductionism and nutrition.
Will it blend? Of course. Came the answer. This was not baking the perfect sourdough bread. This was not even an attempt to improve your health, this was operating a machine whose only job was to inflict massive punishment to affect a phase change. Solid to liquid. Whole to flowing. While walking the floor of the supermarket, your thought is, what can I jam into the blender with this, that would in its destruction be satisfying.
~~~~~~
Until recently you had been too busy with life, to think much about how you went about copping with your emotions. They were just there, adding richness, and flavor to your life. Like the musical score to a movie. But now they had become a hindrance. These emotional binges, like sitting on a wrecking ball, a wildly swinging pendulum between numbing terror, and the gratitude of helping in some small way another human. There seemed no way to stop this, to just rest.
That is what you crave, rest. To turn down the volume from 11 to about 3.
So you take an internet break, for 2 weeks, no television, no web browsing, no news anywhere. You just stop and get off the train. At first this makes sense, and after the nervousness of feeling left out fades. It is a relief. Then one day while reading that novel you always meant to read. It hits you. The howling existential hum is back. It never left, and because you aren’t masking it with news, it is louder and more terrorizing.
~~~~~~
In advanced smoothie making, although anything will blend, it is the only the precise mixture of ingredients, that make a really good smoothie. One that is both drinkable, and nutritious. That the most enjoyable smoothie is greater than the sum of its parts. A great smoothie is an emergent property. One with a quality that is hard to predict, just from its constituent parts.
~~~~~~
In your desperation, you read up on happiness, and find a whole lot of jargon, and bullshit. You have all the ingredients for happiness. Yet it is not blending together. Most days you are able to function, go about the shopping, cleaning, cooking, and doing the good work you expect of yourself. The background hum is always there, yet now you know it won’t kill you. This is an important first step to understand that the howling existential dread, is survivable.
In talking to close friends, you find that you are not alone in this hyper emotional state. Many are feeling overwhelmed, and ashamed to admit that they are also consumed and at the edge of control. Most are into the blaming phase of grief, “It is the media, and social networks.” Or “It is the vast inequality.” Even “Gaia is sick, and trying to exterminate humans.” None of these excuses rings true to you. So you seek an answer in other directions.
~~~~~~
You are now receiving praise for you smoothies. You have settled into a workman like routine. Limiting the recipes to a dozen or so sure hits. Somedays tweaking the flavors slightly, but staying on a balance between sweetness and bitterness. As this routine deepens, you are surprised to find brief moments, as you hold down the #4 button of the blender, completely unaffected by the mental hum of dread. If you notice, yes, it is still there, but seamanly at a large distance. There’s no epiphany in this. This is just you making smoothies.
~~~~~~
Over the months you have been struggling with this. All the mood swings. All the self examination. The search for a fix. The suffering of the suffering. The blame, and the demand for a rational explanation. All of this. The howling existential dread has not gone away. But an odd thing has happened, you longer fear it, no longer suffer it. It is still very unpleasant. It can almost close down your heart, but not quite. You do not run from it, nor embrace it, wallowing.
By inviting the hum inside to have tea. It becomes less and less. It is not exactly a friend but it is not an enemy either. You have stoped trying to defeat it.
You have noticed that like smoothies, this hum can have different flavors, sometimes sharp and nasty, other times dull and boring. You would not have known this if you had continued to push it away.
~~~~~~
You’re now renowned for your smoothies, Friends and family ask each visit for one. You are glad to provide. Happy in smashing up stuff with your finger pressed hard on the #4 button of the blender. The rough noise clears your head.
That moment when you serve others, and their faces light up.
“We Be The Humans”