This is PART 1 of 4 of Getting on Track
Did you get over the hump yesterday?

Have you made any changes you are sticking to or are you still in the 'thinking about it' stage?

Wherever you are, this will be a good conversation for us.

Getting On Track
Firstly - we NEED a track to be on. My 'track' may look different than yours. There have been long periods of my life when the track, was a mess.  If you have ever been to the Atlanta, GA area, there is a section of intersecting highways called 'Spaghetti Junction'. Below is a photo, that must be photoshopped because there are no vehicles shown.  This area is never without vehicles!

Spaghetti Junction

If you don't designate your own track, you will most likely spin, turn around, make progress, fall back and end right back to the starting point.  No Fun.

I will continue to use the term: track.  You can swap it for your favorite descriptor like, plan, roadmap, etc.

Laying out a track will make forward progress easier. It does not mean it be easy. We know we have lots driving and stops to make on this track, right?

                     Jammed Up

Be careful not to clog up our track with too much traffic. Too much of anything is not always a good thing.

Laying My Track
I am currently progressing down a new track, which is rewarding me with dividends. These dividends come in the form of peace, joy, contentment, inspiration, energy, rest, and wisdom. These things help me be a better me, and help me do what I do best: Loving.

Everything I do and have done, I am keeping my family in the front of my mind. Do I nail it everytime?  Are you kidding me? That is a hard no. I learn from my mistakes and try not to do it again. I fail at this too. We all do, it's ok. We are flawed human beings. Imperfect to the core and redemption is a gift.

I have laid out, lifted up, destroyed, and rebuilt so many tracks throughout my life. Some were better than others. Some were completely reckless and filled with run-down neighborhoods and faltering lives. I have no regrets. Regrets are a waste of time and hold you back from new construction. All of these broken and twisted tracks have made me who I am today. Don't be afraid of the rough terrain.

Today, I can truly say to myself: I like me. Typing this feels foreign. I'm not a self-loather, but have struggled since a child to focus on the good things about me. There is a lot to unpack there. Way too much for this post.  I'll get there piece by piece as I keep writing.

Twenty-twenty was a difficult year, more so for some than others, but it was also a year to awaken. I can only speak for myself. So much good has come out of the struggles, that I could write a story about each experience. The biggest takeaway for me, removing the non-essentials, allows so much room for the things that matter. God, Health, Family & friends, and experiences. That's it. This is my core of values. Each one takes work to stay on track.

I will break each of these values down, as to how they work for me. I want to inspire you as you are building your track for today and tomorrow.

For the first part of this series, I am going to start off with my numero uno value.

God
I am a Christian. It doesn't mean you have to be a Christian. Nor does it mean you have to believe in the same God. My faith as a Christian has taught me to love all, regardless. It is a solid foundation for building and maintaining relationships. I have good friends from all walks of faith. It makes me a better person. It prompts me to question my own faith, dig deeper and learn. Learning from other faiths has only inspired my own. It is a win/win. Besides, if everyone was on the same exact wave, it would be dull. If we are surfing, we want excitement and opportunity. My wave has been exciting and brutally punishing at times. I stand today due to my faith in Christ. It has gotten me through the worst and best times in my life. I have tried, on occasions to renounce my faith and stop believing. Two very specific times I tried. God always brought me back. I couldn't NOT believe.

Let's take an example Human to Human relationships.

Person A trusts person B.
B has been lying and stealing from person A.
A discovers this and is devastated.
A's trust has been broken.
It is not likely A will ever trust B again.
A can forgive B.
There may be a resolution, but A is never forgetting that break of trust.

A and B are human. Humans are capable of doing some stupid, destructive, and hurtful things. We can forgive. We can forgive and forget, but not really. No one forgets. It should be more like "forgive and add it to your baggage".

I believe in the power of forgiveness. It releases you (the hurt one) from holding onto that anger and pain put on you. It doesn't release the offender from the behavior, even though you extend forgiveness to the action. Actions are always louder than words, in real life.  Remember this kids. I believe forgiveness leads to reconciliation and rebuilding. You are essentially starting over every time the process occurs. Consider it a pothole on your tracks. The good news is that the pothole gets further away. It doesn't disappear but gets smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.

Depending on how A and B handle the situation will determine the future relationship. If it is severe enough, it could be the end of the bond because A no longer has faith in B.  I am using faith figuratively. At one time A believed in and had faith in B to do the right thing. B failed A, so that is gone.

This is a personal story of the Human to God relationship.

The two times I tried to walk away from my faith, was out of hurt and anger. The first was the death of my first daughter, Jourdan Leigh.  She died unexpectedly as a 3-day newborn. The second time was my divorce in 2014. I laid blame on God. Both times, the first questions were: Why me, God? How could you let this happen? I couldn't understand why I had to be broken and suffering. I believed God was in control and he let me down, fantastically. 

Each time I broke, as a man, I was done with my faith. Both un-belief spans lasted roughly 2-3 years. I was confessing with my brain I did not believe. My heart, however, had a stronghold. There was a constant nag inside of me, I couldn't deny. It was sitting in the back of my brain at all times too. I could never shake it, but I did my best to ignore it.

My grandfather, Pops, came to the rescue the first time. He was asking me how my relationship with God was and if I was praying. I explained to him my disdain and hurt. I told him I was done believing, and told him he wouldn't understand. Laughable, thinking my Pops, a WWII vet who grew up in the great depression, would not understand. When focused on self in an unhealthy way, this is where you will find yourself. Me, me, me, oh what about Me?

Pops listened to me, took a moment, and asked, "Have you told God this?". I hadn't, I only asked why me. He continued, "When you're ready, you need to have it out with God. Let Him have it. Tell Him exactly how you feel. Yell, Scream, use any words you need to. Get it out and put it on Him. Let it go and He will do the work."

I was 25 and I still had a slight feeling God ruled with fire and brimstone! I pictured him as an Enforcer instead of a Lover (Spoiler Alert: I was wrong). I thought if I yelled at Him, he'd strike me down. Ironic, I had these worries even though I was "not believing" at the time. Hilarious!

"When you're ready" were important words from Pops. He was not forcing anything on me. He was sharing his experiences to help me with mine. I trusted Pops as one of my heroes. A man of strength, love, and integrity. I knew it was good advice, provided out of wisdom and love.

I didn't apply his advice right away. It took me a while, but one day I had enough. I walked up to the second floor of my home, went into the tiny master bedroom, closed and locked the door behind me. I stepped to the edge of the bed and got on my knees. I started whispering my anger and hurts to God. The whispering volume continued to increase until I was yelling. I am not sure how long it lasted, but I ended up on my feet. I went from feeling guilty dropping F-bombs to the man upstairs, but as I belted out my screams, the guilt turned to relief. The relief turned to peace. I finished up with my prayer, "Thank you for listening. I am letting this go."

Was I instantly a changed man?  No. That takes work on our part. God does the heavy lifting, but you gotta get your feet and heart moving. Faith leads to trust and trust leads to peace. Little by little I was being freed from the pain and anger and getting my faith groove back. It grew and grew and ultimately blossomed during my second marriage. It also collapsed and sunk, like the Titanic.

The advice Pops gifted me that day has given me the freedom to express my distastes with God. Faith and Doubt go hand in hand.


Note: There is a good book on this subject called Faith and Doubt by John Ortberg.  Check it out here:

God forgives and forgets. He sees me through the eyes of his son, Jesus, not my own. Because I believe, I am saved. I can belt out anything I want to Him. He already knows anyway, so I can Move On Dot Org, not the one you are thinking!

I realize I glossed over, the death of my first daughter. It was a terrible experience, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Throughout this struggle, good things have happened. I do not want to make light of the personal loss, it hurt like hell. I still carry the hurt, it has become smaller in my baggage. If she had not passed, I would not have my three middle children that I enjoy and love so much. Hurts to say that out loud but it is the truth.

Sometimes the Truth is Hard and it Hurts. It is still the truth.

When planning Jourdan's funeral, we decided to have the poem "Footprints" on her memorial cards/bookmarks they made for us. The front of it has the poem and the back shares her obituary. Through the early years of grief (once I got over my anger), I referred to this poem often. It uplifted me and reminded me that God was with me at all times.

As I told you earlier, I eventually kicked my faith to the curb once again. This time it was due to Divorce. Divorce sucks any way you slice it. Trust me when I tell you good things can come out of it. They will if you are intentional.

We had five children living in the home at the time. Mine, hers, and ours. I had my son, she had her son and we had a son and two daughters together. We were a Brady Bunch of sorts, until we weren't. We, as a family, had been heavily involved with our church and church community. We were viewed as the 'ideal blended family'. What a great-looking, happy family. On the outside, it would appear this was true. Flattering, but what sounds is what is on the "inside".  That is where the problems were.

When it ended, I found myself, standing again before God and telling him to F*** off.  What an utter trip of bullshit I had been on. All or our church and community dedication, helping people, going to Africa TWICE in a 9-month span, giving, contributing, volunteering, small groups, for what?

Thanks for nothing, G-money! 

Once again I was DONE. I committed my life to him and he didn't give a damn.

Fast forward almost three years to the day, I discovered my marriage had to end, I was sitting in the very same place, under the same lighting. I still suffered overwhelmingly with pain and anger. Every cell in my body and soul ached. I was broken. Fake happy on the outside, shattered on the inside. While I was taking a break from work and reading online, guess what popped up in my feed?

Footprints
Yes, the poem we selected years ago, to help us deal with the loss of our daughter, jumped off the screen and into my heart. I saw the poem and something in me pushed me to read it.

As I read the poem, I got to the best part:

I reached the last sentence and cried like a baby. That's how I have awakened again. God got to me, exactly when He needed to. His timing, not mine. It was at this moment I realized it was IMPOSSIBLE for me NOT to believe. God has my heart and will never let it go.

I am going to wrap this up by encouraging you to step into your faith, whatever that may be.  This, our time on this planet, cannot be all there is.  So much pain and suffering.  All ya have to do is watch a few minutes of any news report and you will see.  

Faith in God is my #1 priority. I nurture this through daily prayer, reading scripture (though I only have one verse memorized) and leading by example. I have a crew of children watching my every move.

My memory verse and life verse. I wholeheartedly believe this. I understand how some may find this difficult. I think it has to do with our tiny brains. Faith requires lots of unseen and unknowns. It is not logical to most. It is a process. This verse helps me daily:

*If you are curious about my faith, Romans is a great place to start with. I lean on the NIV (New International Version) translation of the Bible.

In a time of immediate loss, this may not comfort you and that is OK. As time moves on, I know it can. I am living proof.

So there you have it. My faith is my bedrock. It keeps me grounded on solid flooring instead of quicksand. Next up is Health. This my second value and can't wait to share it with you.

Til next time!
-DB