Years ago I got in a fight with a friend. I was certain I had the moral high ground, that I understood the problem correctly, and that she was to blame. I told her as much. When I was done, she told me her view, and as she talked I felt several sensations sweep over me, almost all at the same time, but they were distinct feelings.

First, I realized I was wrong about the particulars of this situation. This situation was my fault, not hers.

Second, I realized that I was wrong about the world in general. I was seeing the world through a lens that was cracked and distorted, and it was the presuppositions that came with this lens that created the problem.

Third, I realized that I could just toss the lens aside, see the world a different way, and a whole set of problems would go away in my life. 

I felt a powerful sense of joy and freedom at this moment - I could go the rest of my life and never be wrong like this again, simply because I had been given a chance to see a situation through another person’s eyes.

Over my career, I’ve learned to value critical feedback. This isn’t to say that I have always dealt with it well. I haven’t. Feedback is hard. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it is delivered poorly. Sometimes it is wrong. I would like to talk about a few things that I have done to make feedback more valuable, both as an individual who wants to learn from it and as an organization that needs to foster honest, critical thinking.

The best way to ensure you get feedback is to make sure people who give you feedback have a good experience doing so. They should come away from giving you feedback feeling appreciated, heard, and understood. If that happens, they will come back again the next time they have something hard to tell you, and their palms will be less sweaty, their voice less shaky, and their expectations much more positive.

This is not a thing you can fake. You can’t pretend to appreciate feedback while seething inside. Ninety percent of the time people can spot this a mile away. To make someone feel like you appreciate their feedback, you actually have to appreciate it. This means not interrupting, not making excuses, and not challenging the feedback immediately. Let them talk, and then ask clarifying questions until it is clear to everyone involved that you understand.

Before you challenge any feedback, find something true about what they’ve said and express gratitude for it. 

If you do these things enough, they will become a habit, and at some point you will have an experience where you realize someone has just saved your bacon by sharing an uncomfortable truth. And then you’ll be hooked.

In my 1:1 meetings, I always ask if they have thought of anything I could do better. I almost always get back a no. This worries me, and I’ve started trying to ask it in different ways. The thing I’ve found that works best for soliciting feedback is to use a specific example, such as “Is there anything about my presentation yesterday you would change if I was going to do it again?” This is much more likely to get a response than the generic question.

It’s important that you ask, even if you always get “no.” You are signaling that you are open to feedback, that you want feedback, and that you adjust your behavior based on feedback. This is critical, especially in an unbalanced power relationship such as a manager - report relationship. 

If you get an answer, handle it well. Make the person feel appreciated, as mentioned above.

I had a manager once who was immensely powerful in the company. She had a budget of more than a hundred million dollars and an organization of several hundred people. And yet, she was always interested in feedback. She wanted hard feedback. She asked for it regularly, and on more than one occasion I gave her tough feedback. I always thought this would be the time she would explode, but she never did. She always did the same thing - she took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly. Then she said “feedback is a gift.”

I know now what she was doing. She was letting the adrenaline run off. She was giving herself time to process. And, most importantly, she was reminding herself that no one was obligated to tell her when she is messing up. That those who do are giving her a present. By putting herself in this mindset, she improved her ability to find truth in the feedback and increased her willingness to be wrong.

In many cases, the only thing harder than getting tough feedback is giving it. Just watch people try to do it. They dance all around the truth they are trying to tell. They go to great lengths to avoid telling someone directly what they need to hear. Brave, smart, accomplished people will suddenly become passive aggressive. They will be very tentative, watching for any sign that you are going to respond poorly. Anytime a person, especially a peer or direct report, gives you straightforward feedback, they have just done something brave. 

Respect that courage. Be grateful for it. Don’t demean it or do anything to discourage it.

Everyone on this planet walks around with a set of presuppositions that color everything they see, and everyone is aware of this “lens” to varying degrees, from complete oblivion to acute awareness of one’s biases. Sometimes these lenses result in feedback that we simply can’t accept. We should think long and hard about feedback before we put it in this category, but sometimes that is where it belongs. Sometimes people are just wrong, but we shouldn’t go into a feedback opportunity believing that is the case. Be open, be curious, be kind, but in the end if you can’t find any truth in the feedback then move on.

That said, this type of feedback is often the most valuable, because you have seen yourself through a world view, a lens, that tells you a lot about the person giving you feedback. It helps you know how they think, and as a result it gives you power to adapt your message so that it appeals to them, or at the very least avoids triggering them.

Don’t let feedback be the end of a conversation. It should be the beginning. Do something with the feedback, and share what you’ve done with whoever gave it to you. And then ask for more feedback. If you consistently follow up on feedback with action, those who give you feedback will trust you even more. This is how you build a team that pulls together when things get hard.

Sometimes feedback comes in the form of angry outbursts, passive aggressive behavior, etc. When it crosses a certain line, you might need help dealing with it. Otherwise, I find it is best to follow the steps I’ve outlined earlier - listen, clarify, make it clear you understand, then take action on the feedback. But then add one more step - coaching. Talk about ways to give feedback more effectively. Talk about how to reduce the stress level, pick the right time (and place), and how to be direct without being mean.

If you coach too soon, it won’t be coaching. It will be chastisement, and worse it will undercut any faith they have in your ability to accept feedback. Give it time, and do it right.

Regardless of how it’s delivered, or whether it’s right, there’s a question you should always ask yourself: what has my role been in this? This question leads to other questions, such as: How did I contribute to this problem? If I’m faced with this situation again, how can I do it better? What did I learn about the other person from this experience?

Some of the most important moments in my life, not just my career, happened because some brave person chose to give me a gift of feedback. In so doing, they gave me an opportunity to never make that mistake again. What a difference that has made. 

Dave Christiansen
Writer. Maker. Programmer. Leader.