I did it. 13 months after starting hormone therapy, 14 months after changing my name to Ester and telling the world I'm trans ... and roughly 18 months after wishing my biopsy would come back positive for testicular cancer so I could have them removed without having to admit who I am ... I did it.
On March 10, 2021, I had an orchiectomy. After a year on hormones, I had proven to myself and multiple doctors that, in fact, I was happier, healthier, and more productive living as a woman, chemicals and all. I got my two letters of referral, my blood tests, my EKG, my COVID test, and ...
I almost backed out.
I was not afraid of not producing testosterone. I was only marginally afraid of the recovery.
I was afraid I could never turn back.
I was afraid that the cultural and legal winds could change, the safety I experience today could disappear, and I would not have the option to hide again. I was afraid in the same way as the first time I came out that, with each step, I was staking a claim I would never relinquish, I would never compromise. Before this, I could change my name back, go off hormones, "repent," as it were, to survive. But after this, that's it.
But I didn't back out.
I didn't back out because I don't want to go back. Ever.
Living authentically has felt like I could see color for the first time, like I'd never felt the warmth of the sunshine before but I had just stepped on the beach ... like a fog dissipated from existence.
And I'm telling you all of this, I'm telling you that despite all my fears of being ostracized and killed I did it, I had "the surgery," because I want you to understand how trans people in your life feel, how trans people everywhere feel, how visceral this is.
And I want you to tell someone else. I want my story to reach that trans kid who's never had someone accept them, who's never had someone tell them that you can be trans and loved, that you can get health care, that you can be happy.
#ProtectTransKids
On March 10, 2021, I had an orchiectomy. After a year on hormones, I had proven to myself and multiple doctors that, in fact, I was happier, healthier, and more productive living as a woman, chemicals and all. I got my two letters of referral, my blood tests, my EKG, my COVID test, and ...
I almost backed out.
I was not afraid of not producing testosterone. I was only marginally afraid of the recovery.
I was afraid I could never turn back.
I was afraid that the cultural and legal winds could change, the safety I experience today could disappear, and I would not have the option to hide again. I was afraid in the same way as the first time I came out that, with each step, I was staking a claim I would never relinquish, I would never compromise. Before this, I could change my name back, go off hormones, "repent," as it were, to survive. But after this, that's it.
But I didn't back out.
I didn't back out because I don't want to go back. Ever.
Living authentically has felt like I could see color for the first time, like I'd never felt the warmth of the sunshine before but I had just stepped on the beach ... like a fog dissipated from existence.
And I'm telling you all of this, I'm telling you that despite all my fears of being ostracized and killed I did it, I had "the surgery," because I want you to understand how trans people in your life feel, how trans people everywhere feel, how visceral this is.
And I want you to tell someone else. I want my story to reach that trans kid who's never had someone accept them, who's never had someone tell them that you can be trans and loved, that you can get health care, that you can be happy.
#ProtectTransKids