Driving home from work last Thursday, I was listening to a Timber Hawkeye podcast and finding myself being enlightened, which is what usually happens when I listen to him speak. He reflects on some aspect of life, boiling complexity into a simple and cogent perspective — often counter to what I think.
In this podcast episode, he was musing on why we so freely offer suggestions to other people, painting their world as we think it should be. His conclusion: we shouldn't, unless specifically asked to do so.
We think we're motivated to be helpful and kind. So we say, which may be true. However, we may also want to control, to show our intelligence and feed our ego, to exercise our problem solving skills. Those may not be helpful, particularly if we one-up the other person while being "helpful."
Timber's conclusion:
In this podcast episode, he was musing on why we so freely offer suggestions to other people, painting their world as we think it should be. His conclusion: we shouldn't, unless specifically asked to do so.
We think we're motivated to be helpful and kind. So we say, which may be true. However, we may also want to control, to show our intelligence and feed our ego, to exercise our problem solving skills. Those may not be helpful, particularly if we one-up the other person while being "helpful."
Timber's conclusion:
Before speaking, therefore, or texting, or posting something online, ask yourself, "Was I asked? Is this necessary to say?" and "Does this need to be said by me right now?" Because the ego will make us believe we do everything for all the right reasons, but it’s not always true.
I spent a good portion of my career in program management, responsible for coordinating the activities of a team of people working on a new technology or product design. The word "new" means something will go wrong — often many things. The job of the program manager is to make sure the team anticipates those possibilities and has contingency plans to mitigate the impact.
After years in that role, I have a reflexive habit to "fix," and it's particularly strong with my wife and children, amplified by feelings of responsibility and caring. Listening to Timber Hawkeye brought clarity and a resolve to close my mouth and wait until asked, if asked, before offering an opinion. Especially with my children, who need the space to make their own decisions and not feel judged by me.
Loved, not judged.