I can't stop listening to the new theme to season 2 of The White Lotus, which has been playing on repeat ever since it popped into the iTunes store halfway through Monday. I also keep watching the new intro to The White Lotus, because—in my opinion—it is a glorious masterpiece that deserves to be taught in schools. This might just be the endorphins talking.

Anyway! Let's look at all the lovely fun things that happen in it, just because we can.

Shot 1: A dandy man doin' all gentlemanly shit with a dandy lady. Note the dagger piercing the two wedding rings on the bottom right, though that's so obvious we don't need to dwell too much on it.

Shot 2: A seeming detail-to-pan shot of the original portrait, which was shown so quickly that you could imagine you simply failed to notice the jealous lady peering off in the wings. But nope! Already this intro is fucking with you.

Look at the jealous lady's sour face. I love her pursed lips and furrowed brows. Even her pearl necklace is sour, somehow. I adore her. I would totally buy her at least four drinks.

Shot 2A: Above the painting-as-already seen, this monkey tries to escape the lady whose room he's caged to. We will get more adorable animals, fear not. None of them are very happy.

Shot 3: A lad serenades a lady with some bagpiping. She does not look particularly impressed. Meanwhile, his yapping dog looks about ready to hump.

Shot 3A: Cherubs!!!

Shot 4: A sexy pegasus, watching over...

Shot 4A: ...a nice young couple and their ass.

Shot 5: I had several reviews spoil for me that Tom Hollander's arc is, at least in part, "Delightful catty gay man introduces Jennifer Coolidge to his cadre of catty gays," so... these are the catty gays, I guess.

Shot 5A: Sabrina Impacciatore's frazzled hotel manager gets to be part of the cadre too. This feels fitting.

Shot 6: Man kneeling (groveling?); boat taking off.

Shot 7: Another stealth edit! Everyone else has vanished; now the woman is dropping this necklace into the sea. Guy does not look pleased about it.

Shot 8: Theo James.

Shot 8A: No, really, Theo James. And a deformed man and/or monkey, cowering before Theo James' majesty. (Unless... the man-slash-monkey is Theo James?? Idk, it makes you think.)

Shot 8B: Above the statue, one bird kicks the crap out of another bird. The ambiguity of which of these birds is Aubrey Plaza mirrors the ambiguity of whether or not Aubrey Plaza intends to fuck and/or murder Theo James.

Shot 9: Wistful girl; unwistful goat.

Shot 10: Two cuts of this lad and lass. Is that lil scrawl above her hand meant to imply that she's turning his bowl of decorative wheats down?? Only time will tell.

Shot 11: Leopard with fish.

Shot 12: Suggestive Boys.

Shot 13: An androgynous lad and/or lass, now crushed by a bowl of decorative wheats. (Yes, I know that isn't wheat. Shut up. My point is, it's symbolic. It's symbolic is my point.)

Shot 14: if I knew more about Italian art, I might have something interesting to say about the presence of sphinx-y pegasi watching over couples. Sadly, I know very little about anything.

Shot 15: The monkey is so angry to be wearing clothes! Perfect thing to announce the costume designer alongside, imo. Also, his collar is identical to the other monkey's collar. Could this be the same monkey?? Have we met this goat before??? Mysteries like this are what make The White Lotus so compelling, when you think about it

Shot 16: Establishing a broader landscape, before...

Shot 16A: ...a horny old man harasses a young woman...

Shot 16B: ...while, just outside of the original frame, a virile young man gets some.

We wonder what the man with the walking stick is thinking, and this creates tension. Is he giving the lucky couple some privacy out of politeness? Or is he so fascinated by horny-old-man drama that he simply fails to notice? Perhaps John M. Valerio, ACE could lend some illumination on this subject.

Shot 17: Okay, but now we're at the part that got me obsessed, obviously—and not just because of the incredible beat drop that happens midway through this sequence. First, we get a majestic city on fire, ominous, impactful...

Shot 17A: ...as a lone fisherman observes, poignant, fearful, contemplative...

Shot 17B: ...and this guy's getting head. Drop that beat. Look at him, symbolically ignoring the city b—wait, what's this?

Shot 17C: Goat fucking. God, is this the best sequence of pans in cinematic history? I think it just might be.

Shot 18: This might be the single funniest bit in the whole intro, though. You need to see it in motion to get why, and to appreciate the repeated dramatic zoom cuts. HOLES, the cinematography is saying. HOOOOLES.

Shot 19: The horniest and most sapphic statue to date. Meanwhile...

Shot 19A: We are past the point where The White Lotus owes us any subtlety. The Goats Have Fucked; the naked man will stab the boar beneath the two beautiful lady-statues. (A couple continues bickering, in the distance.)

Shot 20: The stabbed man falling down the stairs is one thing, but the absolutely feigned surprise of the woman behind him is where it's at. "Oh my!" she says politely, half-yawning.

Shot 21: Some more classic sexual jealousy. It's so fun to juxtapose Lady MacBeth imagery with elegant depictions of blowjobs. I love this show so much.

Shot 22: A man points, possibly at a statue or a hornt animal or someone who just got shot.

Shot 22A: Watch out, dude!!!!!

Shot 23: They forgot to give Zeus his title card. Sorry: Jupiter.

Shot 24: The horny fountain. Instantly iconic.

Shot 25: See, this is why art criticism matters. The fool sees this shot and says, Fountain. The wise one sees this shot and says, Ejaculate. This subtle imagery can only be appreciated by the finest minds.

Shot 26: The lotus is finally seen!

Shot 26A: At this point, when you see a bunch of men and women and dead animals in one place, you can't help but wonder: what are these decadent fuckers gonna do next? The White Lotus, ladies and gents!

Shot 26B: Executive producer Mike White Lotus! God, it's great that HBO feels bad for canceling Enlightened and just shovels money at him by way of apology. Thank you, Mike White! Thank you, lotus-tending ladies!

The most interesting part of this sequence, though, is that we get detail shots of the left and bottom of the original painting, but not whatever's happening with those naked dudes on the right. Also, please note: the Aubrey Plaza bird duel seems to be back.

Shot 27: Nero fiddled while Rome burned, alright. On the skin fl—you know what sometimes it's best to leave it  as subtext.

Also, you don't actually fiddle a flute?? This is art class, not music class. We are studying art, which means studying symbolism, which means learning that a bunch of rich people are about to fuck their way into body bags. The White Lotus is a sitcom.

Shot 28: There they are! The squabbling couples and one bird. Welcome to Sicily, thank you for watching.

Oh wait, one last sneak edit:

Shot 29: Gotta let the monkeys have their day.

This concludes our analysis of The White Lotus: Eurotrip. Stay safe out there, folks.