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I recently wrote about how I decided to leave Christianity and embrace Islam. Hitting ‘send’ on my article and releasing it to the world came with quite a bit of anxiety. The root of my worries was around how hostile Christians would respond.
Tragically, they did not disappoint. I had my fair share of Christians reach out to tell me things like:
I recently wrote about how I decided to leave Christianity and embrace Islam. Hitting ‘send’ on my article and releasing it to the world came with quite a bit of anxiety. The root of my worries was around how hostile Christians would respond.
Tragically, they did not disappoint. I had my fair share of Christians reach out to tell me things like:
- I’m now a ‘wife beater.’
- I must desire to ‘marry a 5-year-old.’
- I must want to see people stoned for things like adultery.
- They hope I burn in hell.
- I have traded a relationship with God for idolatry. The only hope I have is to repent and put my trust in the saving work of Jesus.
As much as all of those comments sting, I noticed two things. The first is that they actually had a much smaller percentage of responses than I had anticipated. Second, they all are great examples of why I came to the point where I knew it was time for me to leave Christianity.
No matter how much I tried to reimagine a Christianity that reflects the life and teachings of Jesus, the clearer it became that I could not entirely separate from the culture evangelical/fundamentalist Christianity has created in America. It reminded me how, for years, while I was in ministry, I firmly believed the dogma and rhetoric of mainstream Christianity and that my faithfulness to the movement and its institutions could bring about healthy and needed change. My experience taught me that believing committed members can change a toxic institution from within is naive. If you want to see genuine change, the best thing you can do is leave.
I first learned this lesson at the local church level. I have now realized it is also true at the more significant level of religious tradition. Based on my experience as a pastor, three case studies show that reforming a religious institution from the inside doesn’t work.
10 Years of Faithful Service and Nothing Changed
Over a decade, I served at three different churches, each of which was incredibly toxic. What made them so bad was that they held to a strict theological dogma, were led by charismatic but narcissistic leaders, and believed in an ‘ends justifies the means’ approach to leadership.
Church One: An Affluent Mega Church
This first church presents a troubling case study of persistent toxicity within religious institutions. Over a decade-long period, numerous issues plagued the church, revealing a pattern of mistreatment, manipulation, and resistance to change.
From the beginning, this affluent mega-church displayed concerning leadership practices. As a newcomer, leadership created a culture of unquestioning obedience. The church’s elder-led structure lacked external oversight, a common issue in many toxic religious institutions. This absence of accountability allowed toxic leadership to flourish without checks and balances.
As time passed, staff members were consistently undervalued despite their qualifications and experience. In my own experience, despite having an M.Div. and extensive ministry experience, I was repeatedly given entry-level positions.
Throughout my time in this church, I watched as leadership employed manipulative tactics to maintain control. At its worst, the lead pastor made false accusations about me to pressure me into an apology for something I hadn’t done. This incident ultimately revealed a culture of gaslighting and silencing dissent.
As one of the few minorities on staff, I felt treated as a token person of color, expected to address all race-related issues. Additionally, I was pressured to engage with and discuss right-leaning conservative resources, regardless of my personal beliefs and convictions. This situation highlights a broader problem of ideological conformity and racial insensitivity within the church.
The church’s approach to mental health was deeply problematic. When I experienced severe stress-related health issues, the church’s counseling center steered them away from medication, emphasizing “being more spiritual” instead of providing proper care.
Perhaps most troublingly, this church consistently resisted attempts at change. When my wife wrote a letter detailing her experiences as a minority in the church, leadership attempted to silence her and sweep the issues under the rug. Attempts to address problems were dismissed, deflected, or used for further manipulation.
Despite years of faithful service and attempts to address these issues internally, no meaningful change occurred. In recent years, multiple leaders have been discovered to have committed sexual assault against minors, but change has not come. This case underscores the difficulty of changing toxic church cultures when a handful of leaders hold all the power. So long as congregation members continue tithing, there is no incentive to make changes.
Church Two: An Urban, Multiethnic Church
The next church I served in after my time with the mega-church ended presents a troubling example of how toxic leadership and organizational dysfunction can persist within religious institutions. Despite its outward appearance as a thriving, mission-focused church, internal observations by multiple staff members and I revealed a pattern of issues that had gone unaddressed for years.
At the core of the church’s problems is a hierarchical structure in which an exclusive group makes all senior leader decisions, primarily centered around the lead pastor. This established hierarchy creates a caste system within the organization, dividing staff into “thinkers” and “doers.” Such a structure stifles innovation and demoralizes staff members who feel their input is not valued.
The church also operates in a constant state of flux, with plans, goals, and job roles shifting frequently. This reactionary posture leads to confusion among staff and prevents the establishment of stable, effective systems. The church’s DNA and core values remain unclear, contributing to a lack of direction and purpose.
Multiple staff members described organizational communication as “the worst experience in any marketplace or church context.” Staff members often work in silos, unaware of what other departments are doing. This lack of coordination is detrimental to staff members. Still, it works to the advantage of senior leadership, as no one but top leadership knows the full context of everything happening within the organization.
Despite these issues being recognized and brought to leadership’s attention, no significant changes occurred through internal reform. Attempts to address problems were met with dismissal, deflection, or further manipulation. The lack of external oversight or accountability structures allows toxic leadership practices to continue unchecked.
Despite years of feedback and attempts at internal reform, the persistence of these issues demonstrates the difficulty of changing toxic church cultures from within. After multiple attempts by elders, staff, and congregants to implement needed change, leadership did nothing. In the end, I left the church, most elders left, many staff also quit, and a large segment of the most faithful and tenured church members left.
Church Three: A Small Church Plant
When we think of churches, we often imagine places of solace, community, and moral guidance. However, this final case study of the last church I pastored reveals a disturbing reality of toxic leadership and spiritual abuse that can lurk beneath the surface of religious institutions.
The story unfolded over six months. I witnessed a stark contrast between the church’s public image and the internal reality.
While presenting themselves as advocates for the marginalized, the lead pastor and his wife engaged in behaviors that contradicted this image behind closed doors.
Key issues identified were:
- Prioritizing personal platform-building over pastoral care
- Abuse of power and gaslighting tactics to silence dissent
- Conflict avoidance and unilateral decision-making
- Widespread mistreatment of staff and congregants
- Gender-based discrimination in conflict resolution
Perhaps most troubling are the structural barriers that prevented meaningful change within the church. The elder-led structure and a lack of external oversight created an environment where toxic leadership ran rampant and thrived. Attempts to address these issues were consistently dismissed or deflected, leaving staff and congregants feeling powerless and unheard.
This case study highlights the need for robust accountability structures and transparent church leadership practices. These safeguards are necessary for leaders to be held accountable for their actions. Without them, it doesn’t matter how much internal care, conversations, and reforms an advocate for healthy change tries to bring; they will only burn themselves out.
As people of faith, we must remain vigilant and demand better from our religious leaders. Healthy reform and change are impossible in environments discouraging open dialogue, accountability, and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths. When this happens, the only realistic option is to leave those spaces and join or create truly healthy spaces for spiritual growth and community building.
The truth is that the more you try to give and sacrifice to reform an institution from within, the more you only hurt yourself. Along with hurting yourself, you also hurt those within your spheres of influence as they identify your presence in these spaces as a sign that they are safe and can be trusted. Because of these realities, here are three key reasons why leaving toxic religious institutions is the healthiest choice.
3 Reasons Leaving a Toxic Religious Institution is Better than Staying
1. Maintaining Your Integrity and Protecting Your Health
Staying in a toxic religious environment often requires compromising your values. Leadership and those with influence will continuously pressure you to ‘prove your loyalty to the institution.’ The more you seek to prove you are part of the in-crowd, the more you’ll be willing to jeopardize your integrity.
Staying in a toxic religious environment often requires compromising your values. Leadership and those with influence will continuously pressure you to ‘prove your loyalty to the institution.’ The more you seek to prove you are part of the in-crowd, the more you’ll be willing to jeopardize your integrity.
Staying in a toxic religious institution can also have severe consequences for your well-being. In my case, the constant stress and mistreatment led to severe stomach problems, anxiety, and PTSD. The church’s counseling center, rather than addressing these issues properly, steered me away from medication and emphasized “being more spiritual.” Leaving allows you to seek proper care and healing.
2. Escaping Manipulation and Gaslighting
Toxic religious spaces often employ manipulative tactics to maintain control. I experienced this firsthand when told to “be quiet and serve faithfully for an undetermined amount of time” upon moving to Austin. Then again, when the lead pastor made false accusations against me, leadership pressured me to apologize for something I hadn’t done. Leaving breaks this cycle of manipulation.
Your talents and efforts are almost guaranteed to be exploited without proper recognition or compensation. Despite my qualifications and experience, I was consistently undervalued, given entry-level positions, and even faced pay cuts. Leaving allows you to use your gifts in environments that value you appropriately.
3. Finding Authentic Community
Finally, toxic religious spaces often fail to provide genuine community. Despite years of faithful service, I experienced little support, coaching, or shepherding. My wife’s concerns about her experience as a minority were ignored by leadership and swept under the rug. Within each case study, there were also clear examples where leadership only cared about my family and others so long as they saw a use for us. Leaving opens the door to finding a community that genuinely supports and values all its members for who they are, regardless of what they can offer or bring to the table.
Where To Go From Here
The decision to leave a toxic religious institution is always challenging. It often involves deep emotional ties, years of investment, and the fear of the unknown. However, as these case studies show, staying in such environments can harm one’s spiritual, emotional, and even physical well-being.
Remember, leaving is not a sign of failure or lack of faith. On the contrary, it’s an act of courage and self-respect. It’s a declaration that you value your integrity, health, and authentic spiritual journey more than the approval of a flawed human institution.
As you move forward, consider these steps:
- Take time to heal: Recognize that you may need time to process your experiences and recover from any trauma or stress you’ve endured.
- Seek support: Connect with others who have had similar experiences. You’re not alone, and sharing your story can be therapeutic.
- Redefine your faith: If spirituality is important to you, take this opportunity to explore and redefine what faith means to you outside of toxic structures.
- Be patient with yourself: Rebuilding trust and finding a new community takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new chapter.
Leaving a toxic religious institution is not the end of your spiritual journey — it’s a new beginning. It’s an opportunity to find or create spaces that reflect the values of love, compassion, and genuine community many seek in their spiritual lives.
Remember, your affiliation with any institution or religious tradition does not determine your worth. You have the power to shape your spiritual path, one that respects your dignity, nurtures your growth, and allows you to live with integrity. By choosing to leave, you’re not just changing your own life — you’re setting an example that may inspire others to seek healthier spiritual environments, ultimately contributing to positive change on a broader scale.
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Thanks for stopping by and reading this article! If my work has served you or you want to contribute to creating authentic faith connections, consider becoming an Authentic Faith Advocate.
Thanks for stopping by and reading this article! If my work has served you or you want to contribute to creating authentic faith connections, consider becoming an Authentic Faith Advocate.