I’m thinking about my kids talking a break in their relations with me and Jenn. I also saw a post on Facebook about how someone had cut ties with family members so she can feel safe. I also hear on news programs, in conversations or social media how it’s important to take space from people or groups to create safety for one’s self. There is a notion that this is a time to retreat to our own safe corners and avoid those who are dangerous.
Ok, yes. I learned from Terry Real in his book, "The New Rules of Marriage" that intimate partners can notice when things are getting too hard to handle, that an argument has left being a disagreement and moved into injuring each other, that taking a "time out" is a good strategy. One of the partners can notice that something shifted in the conversation and "someone is going to get hurt unless this gets interrupted" and they can call time-out to take a break, separate mentally and physically until both can re-regulate their nervous systems and come back to repair the relationship. One of the big lessons I learned from Terry is that what keeps a long-term committed relationship 'long' in its term is to be able to repair after someone gets hurt. We hurt each other when we are triggered, which is a way of describing how my nervous system goes into fight or flight activation in response to a broken connection and starts defending by getting dangerous. But that state is not who I am or want to be, it is my hurt/scared/scarred parts that have not yet been healed. So taking a time-out is an intelligent act of avoiding causing harm or being harmed until I can return to a spacious, adult, regulated nervous system and mind.
But the key in this process is to come back and repair. Separation is a tool to re-create safety, but not the place to find a long-term relationship. Repair the broken trust and warmth so the relationship can return to warm regard and connection. Repair says, "We are in this together. I am a good person. You are a good person. We care for each other and do not want to hurt each other. In fact, we want to care for each other and avoid causing harm or pain. And sometimes we fail that desire and hurt each other. I'm sorry. Let's learn from this and reconnect."
I think there is a need for this at the societal level. I hear, especially my friends on the liberal-progressive end of the political stick needing to pull away from their relations who are not on that end of the stick. There is a lot of fear being felt and expressed and shared.
Ok, yes. I learned from Terry Real in his book, "The New Rules of Marriage" that intimate partners can notice when things are getting too hard to handle, that an argument has left being a disagreement and moved into injuring each other, that taking a "time out" is a good strategy. One of the partners can notice that something shifted in the conversation and "someone is going to get hurt unless this gets interrupted" and they can call time-out to take a break, separate mentally and physically until both can re-regulate their nervous systems and come back to repair the relationship. One of the big lessons I learned from Terry is that what keeps a long-term committed relationship 'long' in its term is to be able to repair after someone gets hurt. We hurt each other when we are triggered, which is a way of describing how my nervous system goes into fight or flight activation in response to a broken connection and starts defending by getting dangerous. But that state is not who I am or want to be, it is my hurt/scared/scarred parts that have not yet been healed. So taking a time-out is an intelligent act of avoiding causing harm or being harmed until I can return to a spacious, adult, regulated nervous system and mind.
But the key in this process is to come back and repair. Separation is a tool to re-create safety, but not the place to find a long-term relationship. Repair the broken trust and warmth so the relationship can return to warm regard and connection. Repair says, "We are in this together. I am a good person. You are a good person. We care for each other and do not want to hurt each other. In fact, we want to care for each other and avoid causing harm or pain. And sometimes we fail that desire and hurt each other. I'm sorry. Let's learn from this and reconnect."
I think there is a need for this at the societal level. I hear, especially my friends on the liberal-progressive end of the political stick needing to pull away from their relations who are not on that end of the stick. There is a lot of fear being felt and expressed and shared.