As some of you know, we lost my Dad at the end of April and it's been a time of profound change. My Dad had a heart attack the night after Nelson and I visited the US embassy in Washington D.C. to complete the final steps in our work permit application. My Mom called me that same night to tell me. The following morning, as I tried and failed to keep it together on the flight home to LA, I got the news that our application to live and work in Sweden had been accepted. I felt nothing, except that I was falling endlessly in a pit with no bottom. It feels impossible to write about our move without mentioning my Dad. Though the two have nothing to do with each other, they are inseparably intertwined. My joy at discovering Sweden is always joined by my deepest experience of loss.

When I lost my Dad, I felt a seismic shift inside myself, as if I could never again be the person I was before he passed. These last few weeks have been an ever shifting landscape of grief and joy, grief and joy, like clouds rolling over - the sun emerging and retreating unpredictably.

When I walk out my front door in the morning, I smell pine and forest decay and flowers. It's quiet. As I walk towards the center of the city, I am slowly folded into the hustle and bustle of life: busses full of commuters, the chaotic mix of cyclists and pedestrians, a ship passing under the bridge, the smell of roasting coffee, dozens of little birds flitting furtively across the paths. Though we are close to sea level, the air smells like the mountains. It reminds me of mornings on the PCT.

The routine of going to work feels good. I throw myself into drawing with gratitude. I like my coworkers and feel connected to my workplace. Against all odds we have managed to 1) meet all of our neighbours, 2) make a new friend on the bus, and 3) get invited to dinner. While I've sometimes heard Swedes described as "shy" or even "cold," everyone we've met has been warm, welcoming, and kind. Sometimes Nelson meets me at work to walk home together. We've heard summer concerts as we pass through the park, heard the roar of fans erupt from the local stadium, seen a local dance group practicing at dusk, and enjoyed the smell of cooking from waterfront cafés and bistros. Being in a city that is so alive has felt grounding. It reminds that life continues, that I am part of it, and that somehow everything is going to be okay.

Having the forest as a neighbour is good company. Having a therapist is good wisdom. I've been facing some old memories and learning how to ground myself when I'm feeling anxious. If you are on the fence about trying therapy - I encourage you to go for it! 

I've managed to talk to my family almost every day and I'm grateful to all the friends who have continued to reach out have a laugh over Signal, email, hangouts, zoom, etc. I love you all so much! You make my life wonderful!!!

I'm not done with my inner journey yet but I've been enjoying the ride. 

Average cups of coffee per day: 3
Average hours slept: solid 7-8
Average daily distance walked : 8k / 5 mi
Culture shocks: The recycling system actually works. Fruits and veggies not on California god-tier level. 
New Swedish food unlocked: Homemade meatballs from my coworker Sandra and her partner. Included homemade mashed potatoes, lingonberry sauce, gravy, and a side of homemade pickles. It was some of the best food I've ever eaten!!! We also tried souvas och tunnbröd - thinly sliced, lightly smoked reindeer meat wrapped in rustic flat bread / tortilla, popular in northern Sweden and at festivals like Uppsala medeltidsdagar.
Favorite place this week: Wiks Slott (Castle with big Beauty and The Beast vibes and gorgeous grounds)
New Swedish phrase unlocked: "ovanligt väder" / unusual weather (i.e. it's sunny and clear, therefore "Det är ovanligt väder.")