4th week in Jablonec nad Nisou (Czech Republic). 

Next week I am going to Croatia and I am not sure if I should. This upcoming trip triggers strong feelings in me. It's not a trip to take a vacation, nor one where I want to go hiking - although that's always a possibility - it's a trip to the past. 

I am going to Kutina, my birthplace, to visit my parents. But also my aunt, maybe my uncle. They are the links to my past. They are the only people I visit again and again when I am there. And then I go to places that remind me of my life as a child. The old church with the cemetery where almost my entire family rests scattered. The little park in the center of the town. The cafes. And that's about it. 

Kutina is the place where I spent the first five years of my life. The place that I was the only one to see as home. Yes, not only seen, I felt at home there. It was my spiritual home. These sentences are in the past tense. Because even the feelings of belonging belong to the past. Sometime in the course of time, they became detached from me. However, they have not been replaced by new feelings of belonging. They simply disappeared, leaving a vacuum. 

I have lived in this vacuum for most of my life. It determines my actions, my desires, my thoughts and feelings. Some days it is so filling that I am sure this vacuum is me. Who I am and what I want have always been the big questions in my life, for which I have never arrived at a satisfactory answer. But also the question: Where is my home? 

I cannot describe the feelings that prevail in me in any other way than chaotic. They permeate me completely in the dark phases. My thinking. My feeling. But fortunately not my actions. For some reason, inexplicable to me, I am in control. From the outside I am calm, completely normal, but inside I am not a stone unturned. 

Moving helps. The small movements, like a walk. But also the bigger ones such as a hike. Or the really big ones, like journeys. Moving has almost always helped me feel better afterwards. Whether it's escape or distraction or both, I don't know. It has helped. 

When I can't take it anymore, I go outside. After a walk, even if it's only for half an hour, I feel better. Meanwhile, I return to a state of calm. I stay there until the past creeps back up and I can no longer cope with the feelings it triggers in me. And I start moving again to come to rest. So that everything starts all over again. Over and over again. How much longer?