I continue to be plagued by restless nights, to the point of insomnia. The days that follow are a horror. I still work a lot, get little exercise and hardly ever go out. Daylight is scarce, which is not only due to the time of year. The same goes for fresh air. The only trip we make is to the Wannsee. 

I have ambivalent feelings. An unpleasant discomfort. Something that isn't right, that doesn't sit right with me, but for which I can't find the words because I don't know exactly what it is yet. The best time is not by the water, it's in the forest, where we are alone and don't meet anyone. Animals, as rarely as I discover them in the wild, captivate me. 

We discover a woodpecker high up in a tree and watch it pecking in the trunk. What a beautiful sight and a wonderful sound. It is only a brief pleasure. At the end of the forest, we reach a residential area with large, modern houses covering the entire property. Expensive cars are parked in the driveways, but only empty streets in front of us. 

I feel tightness in my chest, in which a biting discomfort sits. It screams at me from all sides: "You don't belong here. You will never belong." These words hurt me and I can't tell if they are my own words or those of a society that has been telling me this for a long time. But what I do know is that this prosperity is crushing me. A prosperity that is unattainable for me and that I have been denied all my life. I can't bear to be in such a place. 

Only later do I realize what it really is that makes me so depressed. It's not envy, which I assumed at first, it's contempt. Contempt for a society that has never given me a real chance to belong. This one trip is a disaster. I wish I hadn't been there. 

I am tired. And this makes me faint. I had a cold and I'm still recovering from it. It's taking longer because I'm not allowing myself to rest. How can I rest, how can I recharge my batteries when so much inside me is rebelling against this? It's terrifying how deeply it drags me down, just being here. 

It has an impact on so many levels. It feels like a standstill overall. It wears me down and I give in to bad behaviors that have become habits. The consumption of sugar in the form of chocolate has exceeded a healthy level. The negative thoughts that are increasingly spreading within me are also reaching a critical limit. 

We've been in Berlin for three weeks now, with another week to go. We are getting back into the rhythm of four weeks in one place. At the moment, this way of traveling feels very exhausting. What's more, the extraordinary has degenerated into the ordinary. Planning. Packing. Setting off. Arriving. Unpacking. And then all over again. The magic seems to have been lost. It has become a repetitive ritual. Without spirit. Without joy. 

It rains a lot and the sky is often gray. That makes this concrete city even gloomier and almost unbearable for me. But sometimes the sun breaks through the clouds and the world changes. In these few moments, something happens inside me. I become calm and all the tension falls away from me. 

It's as if I'm transformed, as if my worries are dissolving. And then I start to dream of a different life. A house surrounded by nature. A small ceramics workshop. An office. An outdoor bench. A garden. And then I feel happy.