I ran from something I couldn’t name. I felt it was about me, it was my fault. And therefor I was wrong. All my life it was like this. I wanted to run because I didn’t feel being in the right place. I wanted to go as far away as possible. I thought running away would change everything. The world. The possibilities in it. My view on it. Myself. Just everything.

I am still running.

And now with so much distance between the life I once lived and where I am now, I feel the same but also completely different. So I did change. Did I? There is still something left. Something that haunts me, most at night. I want to be in peace with my past, with everything I become or didn‘t. I know it must be a place of wide and deep freedom.

Often I feel I am still too far away to get there. And when I think I got closer, because I fell happy in a moment, it doesn‘t last. Often it changes in the next moment and everything vanishes. It’s like I am far away from the past as well from a future I need to be.

I am in a no mans land. Drifting and searching, not knowing where to go and where to belong. All the time. The one thing that’s gone is this nagging feeling of being lost all the time.

But where to go and where to be is still something I have to figure out. I see a lot of new places, some of them I like, others not. But no place feels like the place. What does it mean to like a place where you are for a short period of time and not really live there? 

I am left with a lot of questions. 

What I know is I have to go where I haven‘t been. This includes places and situations that scares me, because they challenge me. One of this challenges is the French language, it‘s completely foreign to me. But I love the sound. 

The fear of getting into unexpected situations and not knowing what to do, especially what to say, because I don't have any words, limits me. So, it’ that most of the time I don‘t go nowhere. The walls I am living are my safe place. 

When I go out I do it with my wife. She is the missing link between my small world and the big one out there. She is the one who can speak French and which I relay for everything here. This is a kind of dependence I am not comfortable. And this is a challenge I want to take. I want to learn this new language, to open up for a new culture, a new world with new opportunities.