Finistère (Bretagne, France)
It rains a lot. A lot. How much gray can I take? The sun hasn't shown itself once all week. The gray is joined by a fine drizzle, on and off. The wind whips it across the fields from the west. Not going mad during this time is a challenge.
No outside actions during the week, all I am left are intimate moments of introspection. What drives a life? What stories are important? And why? Why are we so drawn to tell ourselves the same story all over again? And especially why so often the bad ones, the ones where we’ve been hurt so much, that there is no room for salvation?
Tragedies from childhood still haunting me, more on daylight than at night. Things sometimes feel lighter than imagined, but it doesn’t mean there are easy. I should be happy living this life, but I am not. Too often I don’t allow it to be good. I am afraid to lose everything. This is something that is so much a part of me that it doesn’t look like it could ever disappear.
I wish I would have someone to talk about. But sharing the pain with others seamed always impossible. There was this one time in a rare moment of openness and vulnerability when I did it. And I felt hurt again. Trust is something fragile, not imaginable how fragile for someone who never experienced this kind of pain and betrayal people like I did.
Every word counts, until there are no words. There is only a mountain of silence left. And so silence becomes a habitual trait. Being invisible too. There are few things that are working against me and all are inside me. This makes my mind go mad and life sometimes quite hard. It’s not a good place to be. It's like with depression, when the mind works against itself, you have no chance. I have to go out of my brain.
I’ve started doing yoga again. It helps. Also with breathing exercises. I watch series and do coding to relax. This gives me also new perspectives. All of it helps for the moment. And of course I work. I do not work a lot, but it takes me a lot of time. Bad sleep is still an issue. The days are a challenge and I'm afraid of the nights. There is no peace in them.
Need to go out. I need the walkings, the fresh air, the sounds of nature. Distance from the place where we are staying. Distance from routine. Let’s see when this will happen.
It rains a lot. A lot. How much gray can I take? The sun hasn't shown itself once all week. The gray is joined by a fine drizzle, on and off. The wind whips it across the fields from the west. Not going mad during this time is a challenge.
No outside actions during the week, all I am left are intimate moments of introspection. What drives a life? What stories are important? And why? Why are we so drawn to tell ourselves the same story all over again? And especially why so often the bad ones, the ones where we’ve been hurt so much, that there is no room for salvation?
Tragedies from childhood still haunting me, more on daylight than at night. Things sometimes feel lighter than imagined, but it doesn’t mean there are easy. I should be happy living this life, but I am not. Too often I don’t allow it to be good. I am afraid to lose everything. This is something that is so much a part of me that it doesn’t look like it could ever disappear.
I wish I would have someone to talk about. But sharing the pain with others seamed always impossible. There was this one time in a rare moment of openness and vulnerability when I did it. And I felt hurt again. Trust is something fragile, not imaginable how fragile for someone who never experienced this kind of pain and betrayal people like I did.
Every word counts, until there are no words. There is only a mountain of silence left. And so silence becomes a habitual trait. Being invisible too. There are few things that are working against me and all are inside me. This makes my mind go mad and life sometimes quite hard. It’s not a good place to be. It's like with depression, when the mind works against itself, you have no chance. I have to go out of my brain.
I’ve started doing yoga again. It helps. Also with breathing exercises. I watch series and do coding to relax. This gives me also new perspectives. All of it helps for the moment. And of course I work. I do not work a lot, but it takes me a lot of time. Bad sleep is still an issue. The days are a challenge and I'm afraid of the nights. There is no peace in them.
Need to go out. I need the walkings, the fresh air, the sounds of nature. Distance from the place where we are staying. Distance from routine. Let’s see when this will happen.