Prague (Czech Republic)
„... you become aware of what didn't happen in your childhood, what you don't remember. Because what didn't happen has as much or more power over who you have become as an adult than any of those events you do remember.“ - Running on Empty from Jonice Webb, PhD
The next, new place. But it's not so new. We've been here before. More than once. But not in this part, which doesn't look like part of a big city. It's more rural, almost village-like.
Since we've been here, I've been asking myself: What are we doing here? I'm not interested in the old town, which is only half an hour away and attracts so many people. There is no museum or exhibition I want to visit. There is no one I could meet. Loneliness is just a step away.
I know why we're here, it's not far from Berlin, where we were before. And having been to the Czech Republic before, it feels familiar. So coming here wasn't a decision of the heart, or even the mind. It was a decision of habit, as strange as that may sound.
I'm not happy with that decision. It feels like a waste of time. I know I don't want to make decisions like that again. Because they are made for the wrong reasons. I don't feel happy being here. They don't come from my heart and they don't fill me up.
They just fill the emptiness inside me and that can lead to a dangerous place. I want to find a way back to my heart and make decisions from there. These are the only ones that are close to happiness.
What is my deepest wish? I have always known it, it is the longing for a place of permanence. I haven't found it yet, partly because I haven't allowed my heart to beat for it. Now I realize again that home is this place.