Wiesmoor (East Frisia, Germany)
At home in bad thoughts. Enveloped in loneliness. And I can't find a way out of it. The feeling: I have no one who could help me, no one I could turn to, no one who would be there for me. I am completely alone and lost in this world.
It's hardest in the morning. A swarm of rats circling in the back of my head. The end is right in front of me, salvation is just one step away. During the day I find peace in my work, sometimes even a kind of fullness in which beautiful and pleasant feelings live.
I fill the evening with work or other kinds of distraction that sometimes make me forget how I really feel. At night, the dark side may visit me in dreams. Dreams of loss and illness and therefore also of losing again.
I keep coming back to the same point, I will end up in loneliness.
Maybe it's because there was never a place for me in this world and so I had to set off into new worlds. For a long time, these worlds were only in my head. And often they are still only there. It's something that repeats itself over and over again.
Maybe I've been at a new low for a while now, but I don't admit it to myself. Now that I'm no longer happy, not even ok, it's about reorienting myself. To ask myself, what do I want from this life? Where do I want to be? And how do I want to live?
For a long time, I didn't have a language for what was happening inside me and for what was important to me. Mood is a crucial building block. The environment has a big influence on it. The place where I am. Is it cozy or chaotic. Is it clean or dirty. Is it spacious or is it cramped. Is it loud or quiet. Is it warm or cold. Nature or city.
Originally written in German. Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
At home in bad thoughts. Enveloped in loneliness. And I can't find a way out of it. The feeling: I have no one who could help me, no one I could turn to, no one who would be there for me. I am completely alone and lost in this world.
It's hardest in the morning. A swarm of rats circling in the back of my head. The end is right in front of me, salvation is just one step away. During the day I find peace in my work, sometimes even a kind of fullness in which beautiful and pleasant feelings live.
I fill the evening with work or other kinds of distraction that sometimes make me forget how I really feel. At night, the dark side may visit me in dreams. Dreams of loss and illness and therefore also of losing again.
I keep coming back to the same point, I will end up in loneliness.
Maybe it's because there was never a place for me in this world and so I had to set off into new worlds. For a long time, these worlds were only in my head. And often they are still only there. It's something that repeats itself over and over again.
Maybe I've been at a new low for a while now, but I don't admit it to myself. Now that I'm no longer happy, not even ok, it's about reorienting myself. To ask myself, what do I want from this life? Where do I want to be? And how do I want to live?
For a long time, I didn't have a language for what was happening inside me and for what was important to me. Mood is a crucial building block. The environment has a big influence on it. The place where I am. Is it cozy or chaotic. Is it clean or dirty. Is it spacious or is it cramped. Is it loud or quiet. Is it warm or cold. Nature or city.
Originally written in German. Translated with DeepL.com (free version)