Gibaja (Cantabria, España)
I take off my headphones, searching for a moment of silence. But there is none. It's quiet, but never silent - footsteps, voices, a constant throbbing fill the room.
An oppressive restlessness takes hold of me, followed by a desperate urge to flee. And then a biting, gnawing feeling of helplessness. The paralyzing realization sets in: There is no escape. I am trapped.
This feeling is familiar to me. It is rooted in a deeply disturbing and traumatic experience that accompanied me during my time in Germany - the helplessness of being at the mercy of an inescapable situation from which there is no way out.
Swallow your anger and live with it. Adapt. Put your needs aside. Others matter more than you. This ingrained spiral follows me, no matter how far I travel. I cannot escape it.
Now I'm trapped again. Like a wild animal in a cage, granted only the space that others deem sufficient. My initial decision to be here transforms into a prison. One from which there is no escape. Darkness spreads within me.
A captured animal doesn't die immediately. It doesn't die physically. It withers inside, slowly and torturously. After just five days in this accommodation, I feel the same process. I feel like a captured animal.
Memories are deceptive. They conjure up things that might not have happened that way, just because we subconsciously wish they had. Memories are always filtered. They often only let the beautiful things through. Only traumatic experiences burn themselves in unaltered.
This text shall be an anchor - a testimony of my true experience in this moment. A warning to my future self not to be deceived by transfigured memories. And an admonition to avoid such situations by all means in the future.
I take off my headphones, searching for a moment of silence. But there is none. It's quiet, but never silent - footsteps, voices, a constant throbbing fill the room.
An oppressive restlessness takes hold of me, followed by a desperate urge to flee. And then a biting, gnawing feeling of helplessness. The paralyzing realization sets in: There is no escape. I am trapped.
This feeling is familiar to me. It is rooted in a deeply disturbing and traumatic experience that accompanied me during my time in Germany - the helplessness of being at the mercy of an inescapable situation from which there is no way out.
Swallow your anger and live with it. Adapt. Put your needs aside. Others matter more than you. This ingrained spiral follows me, no matter how far I travel. I cannot escape it.
Now I'm trapped again. Like a wild animal in a cage, granted only the space that others deem sufficient. My initial decision to be here transforms into a prison. One from which there is no escape. Darkness spreads within me.
A captured animal doesn't die immediately. It doesn't die physically. It withers inside, slowly and torturously. After just five days in this accommodation, I feel the same process. I feel like a captured animal.
Memories are deceptive. They conjure up things that might not have happened that way, just because we subconsciously wish they had. Memories are always filtered. They often only let the beautiful things through. Only traumatic experiences burn themselves in unaltered.
This text shall be an anchor - a testimony of my true experience in this moment. A warning to my future self not to be deceived by transfigured memories. And an admonition to avoid such situations by all means in the future.