Much of what I need and fundamentally wish for, I find here. We are in a place of peace and stillness, yet I lose myself in the noise of a thousand things. Racing thoughts without direction. Turbulent feelings, most reaching back to a childhood filled with a hunger for attention that went unfulfilled. Distractions follow: games, series, news, and podcasts. A familiar pattern.

I lose myself in all these worlds, from which I can barely find my way out. Added to this is a persistent cold with severe symptoms that forces me into a different kind of rest. A standstill. I experience phases with hallucinations and phases where I cannot think clearly. These symptoms seem to accumulate each time and are worse than before. The pandemic years have permanently weakened my immune system.

Being sick robs me of productive time. Time in which I could create something, in which I don't fall into this dull state of distractions. It's as if my mind were under fire. I want to return to the state where I cultivate being in stillness and enjoy dwelling in the moment. A state where my inner voice can speak and my needs regain their weight. I want to choose silence over noise, for noise will come on its own, especially when we leave this place.