Michael He

December 1, 2021

So Much Time, So Little Time

The sun goes down at 5 PM now. I usually leave that hour open to catch a breath. Now it's necessary to save this time for sunset. 

As I am enjoying the sunset today, I see people staring at their phones. Usually that doesn't bother me, but this time I somehow have doubts. Doubts about what a neurotic environment like a prestigious college does to everyone. Stress. Lots of stress.

I have plenty of stress like everyone else. In fact, it can get awfully bad quickly. The environment is 40%, temporary things are 20%, long-term things are 20%, and unresolved personal problems are the remaining 20%.

I often wish for more time in times of stress. But does stress come from not having enough time? The self-evident answer is no.

We often spend so much time and effort on those things that have no real value to us. For students, it's homework. For adults, it's probably keeping up with the Joneses and maintaining some type of image.

Time is the only thing we all share the same amount. Twenty-four hours each day or one hundred and sixty-eight hours each week. So many things can happen in this timeframe, but we often feel inadequate. Even if we have more than twenty-four hours everyday, I bet we will still feel that way.

We have so much time yet so little time.

When I am home in the summer, days can feel so long. I have to kill time and boredom, which forms habits down the line. Schools feel that way too, except I cannot do as I please. In that case, boredom becomes suffocating.

But when it comes to people we care about and things we care about, we feel like there is never enough time. We can never give enough to our loved ones, ourselves, and God. 

When I saw the BTS online concert in October, I felt very sentimental. The performance was stellar but the members said something heartbreaking. They shared how their motivation and hope slipped away. Performing in front of cameras in empty stadiums is soul-crushing beyond one's imagination. That hits me hard because I care about BTS and I resonate with them. Optimism has an expiration date, even for them.

Perhaps I shut down a big chunk of myself during the past two years, but now it's pouring back with vengeance. So many sentiments, regrets, and uncried tears for all those who left us forever and all those lonely scary nights. I don't tremble during horror films, but I sure as hell tremble during those depressing moments.

There is always something I can do about this sadness. I want to be more available for people around me in person and online. I also want to focus on what is really important, which is not what we spend most of our time on. Life is often f-ed up, but life also goes on.

So I will do my best to keep several hours open at the same time everyday for myself and for anyone that want to join. Whether it's taking a walk, eating together, talking about anything, or even staying quiet to enjoy each other's company, whatever you like, I'll be there.

We have so much time to spend, yet so little time to waste. 

About Michael He

Trying to get better every single day.