healing. it's everywhere. except in my actual body.

you think it's been so long, and you think it's been so long since you felt the cold electrocution in the epidermus of your arms and your back, your scalp, neck. 
but then it happens and it all floods back in. 
what do we do? i know this. tools. i try and remember. what do i do that works, so that i don't lose my day in a circular pattern of tense shoulders and being startled like a cartoon cat. 
breathe. 
yes, good, that's one. 
now pray.
i pray. a muttering incoherent version of the AA prayer. god grant me. god, grant me. god? grant me serenity for things i change and cannot. forgive us our trepasses. as we forgive those. i did. forgive. forgive those....
against us. lead us not into

i'm too exhausted to finish now
where was i just now? 
not here
somewhere 
another natalie
another body
a body doing damage that will be felt, was felt, is felt, please don't let it be until eternity.
the body keeps the score, is a sad way to look at the thing. the body as a texas tech football game in autumn. there were good moments then. those were good memories. i spin. 

where were we?