The title is not simply there to get your attention, it also summarises my thinking and indicates the seriousness I see in this simple question:

When should I let my daughters have their own smartphones? 

I’ve heard multiple people describe TikTok as being very similar to heroin, in the way it affects the brain.

Cal Newport mentions a study showing these findings in one of his podcast episodes, and several articles have been written on the topic.

Whilst TikTok is the latest ‘bad guy’ of social media, and specifically designed to condition you to endless scrolling, it is only one of the issues I am thinking about, when considering when and if to give my daughters a smart phone.

The obvious concern is the addictive nature of these devices, but there is also the broader impact on their day-to-day lives, and the people they become.

I try very hard to use my own phone as little as possible. I have no social media, and I don’t have a single notification turned on. Recently I started using a dumb phone, a new version of the Nokia 3210. Within 2 days, it had changed my behaviour.

It made me notice, very clearly, every instance where I might have taken my phone out of my pocket, to check on the team at work, or the BBC website. 

It was an interesting exercise.

I would love to ditch my iPhone altogether, but I listen to a lot of Podcasts, control the smart-home tech in the house and the Roon element of my Hi-Fi system with it, so it has some use. 

What I have managed to do though, very quickly, is get to paint where most of the time my phone is not in my pocket nor in the same room as me. If I want to do something with it, I have to get up and go get it from the office. It is becoming a useful tool, rather than an external vital organ.

Back to my concerns for my daughters in this battle for their attention and their brain development.

Jordan B Peterson makes a very interesting point, relating to kids and screen time.

The issue is not so much what they are doing when they have the screens in front of them. The real issue is what they are NOT doing, because they have a screen in front of them.

Last weekend was a perfect example of this.

A came and asked me if she could go on her iPad. (We have strict control over their iPads, and they don’t keep or charge them in their rooms. They have to come ask if they want to use them).

I said no and got the standard reply: “but I’m bored!”, as she returned upstairs to her room.

In no time, A and her sister O had created a game called Stake Ball. This involved a wooden stake (made at some stick whittling thing at school) and a soft rubber ball. Now imagine playing Baseball, but somehow one of the players are sitting in the bath behind the shower screen, and the other has to try and hit the ball with the stake, in order to hit the other player. (I did not see this, only heard it from downstairs.)

They ended up playing different versions of this game, and laughing A LOT. When their grandfather turned up, they came running down to tell him about the new game, say hello and run back upstairs to continue playing.

I am 100% convinced that had I said yes to A’s request, the game would never have been played, they would not have laughed as much, and would have had nothing to tell their grandfather about when he turned up.

Another real concern relates to their mental health, especially issues of anxiety. Being constantly connected to everything and everyone has proven to not be a great things for us apes.

Sam Harris mentions a very interesting analogy to describe how and why this always connected, full access to everything causes so much anxiety.

Imagine you have a receiver for the police radio in your area. How relaxed would you be, sitting at the cafe on your high street, listening to this police radio? While sipping your coffee, you will be acutely aware of the fact that there was a house invasion just 3 miles away, someone was hit by a car 2 blocks from where you are and a man was arrested after a hit an run, on the street where you take your kids to school.

That might sound absurd, but that is exactly what we do to our kids when we hand them these devices.

Once they have them, they have access to all the news all the time. The obsessive hunt for more clicks and more advertising revenue, dictates that the vast majority of the news they might then see, is negative, and makes the world seem like an awful place.

The same goes for gossip and bullying from their peers.

I did not have a great time at school, but at least I knew that once I walked out of the gates at the end of the day, I’d be left alone, at least until the following morning. Weekends were extended periods of peace.

Now, we are asking our children to deal with everything that is involved in growing up and being teenagers, but we add to that the fact that they are permanently connected to everyone, and can be contacted by anyone, including those who want to do them harm.

So far I have not seen in the behaviour of adults or my kids’ peers, or heard any argument, which convinces me to get A her first smartphone. It is a genie which I would prefer to keep in the bottle for as long as possible. If for no other reason, than to give her very young, still forming brain, a chance of developing into a healthy one.