Listening: Can You Hear Me Now?

A friend asked me for suggestions on how to enhance his listening ability. Here’s my reply.

Dear…

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts with you regarding your interest in becoming a better listener. I applaud your interest which is clearly more than a passing one and I sense it has much importance for you.

The Surface Maybe More?: Before I dive in here’s a question that you may not have considered: What would it mean if you became a better listener?

If people are involved clearly they value from it by being more understood. Yet, there may be ways that you’d benefit personally and that enhanced listening sort of points toward it/them. There could be something deeper. I’m not aware of what this might be, if at all, just sayin….for your consideration.

Here and Now: Given my own frustrating at times experience in trying to listen better, it seems the greatest challenges are two-fold. And once those are addressed hearing can flow more naturally.

First, most of our waking hours are spent thinking about the past or the future and much less so on being fully present attention-wise to whatever is happening in the here and now moment. We’ve all had the experience of a conversation where we are listening to someone and our minds are busy thinking of how to respond - the future. As is often said, “be here now” as the past and future doesn’t exist.

Mindfulness: Secondly, there is the challenge of our minds and it’s automatic thought processes. Learning to non-judgmentally let go of this automaticity (opinions, memories, associations, beliefs, judgements, etc.) and attend to what is being said is challenging yet possible goal. It’s as if you put brackets around such thinking and you just listen, to the person, sounds in nature, whatever.

Our thinking minds, great servants but often poor masters, have been referred to as “monkey mind”. Not only are monkeys somewhat agitated creatures, but it’s as if they’ve been bitten by a scorpion that makes them even more so! Listening in the present moment with attention requires our letting go of our thoughts. We cannot have no thoughts but we can develop the freedom to let go of them - sayonara.

Here’s some other tips to consider:

let the other person finish each sentence they’re speaking before you speak, i.e. don’t interrupt
if you’re not clear on what they’re saying paraphrase it and ask if you understood it (active listening)
when impulsivity arises bring your attention to your breathing for a few moments - in and out, rising and falling. You’re not trying to alter it or think about it, just be aware of it. This will return you to a state of mindfulness in the present moment.
to begin try listening to a bird outside - since you can’t talk to it and it wants nothing from you, it’s an exercise in pure listening, an easy practice it would seem - but if your mind trys to identify the bird, etc. let it go and return to just listening to the pure sound
listen to children

I hope some of this will be helpful to you my friend. If you’ve any questions please let me know, and let me know how it goes. I’ll be listening!

Cheers - Ron