These days I have been listening to this romantic song on a loop. I even shared this as status on social media and got some interesting responses, some thought I have found someone special in my life again and hence the song. My dad also called me, even if we spoke just a few days ago. Since the words of the song go like this — “I remain there or not, I hope you are there in me in someway”, maybe he was worried thinking, I am depressed or something. Well Dad, don’t worry, far from being depressed, I am actually happy and at peace and probably in the best phase of my life — emotionally, professionally etc etc. My life is perfect actually. Well as perfect as a life can be obviously.

There are many songs, which are really like soundtrack to my life and they bring forth the memory associated with them as if it just happened yesterday. This song which in English will probably go like this — “It’s like being pulled towards you by a string”. I have really sweet memory of listening this song with my late wife. Whenever these words will come on, as if on cue, she would slowly start moving towards me, mimicking being pulled towards me.

Then this was the song, which gave us some hope when she was really battling cancer as the words were like this “I know, I will be alright, since you are with me”.

Ofcourse she didn’t become alright, but instead lost her struggle with cancer and passed away. I went into a downward spiral after that, taking one bad life decision after other personally as well as professionally. Only now after full 13 years, I guess, I feel kind of stable. I have been just slipping and skidding all these years.

This was one of the songs which was quite popular around that time. Really good music and lyrics. I still remember how I just felt depressed and sad as soon as this song or any other song which used to be special to me, started playing. I guess, it reminded me of good times I have had and made me sad that those moments won’t ever return.

Years rolled by and even if these songs didn’t make me really sad, but still I couldn’t enjoy them as before. I guess I thought, I don’t have anyone to think of when I hear such beautiful songs. I did make some poor relationship choices after my wife passed away, but still like any relationship, those relationships still had some good, lively, even magical moments and it really felt like that I have waited a thousand years for my zaalima, sometimes I even felt like a sucker, telling her mere naam tu. When it got over, I continued spiralling down, until I hit bottom. But that’s the thing with bottoms, you can’t go down any further. So after feeling miserable, lost, worthless and sorry for myself, I stood up, looked up and began crawling up slowly. It hasn't been easy ofcourse and I have had several mood swing episodes, when I felt up, I felt like it was her ghata and she just wanted attention. When I was down, it felt like I have faded and wanted to be just let down slowly.

Gradually I made my way up, got my life in order. Got a regular work, met some great colleagues. Realised I still had people who cared for me. I have a wonderful daughter who loves me. I have many reasons to be happy. I run and bike to keep myself fit and am at the fittest form of my life.

Just a few days ago, I watched a sweet movie — “Midnight Sun”, the lead actress dies in the end and leaves a letter behind for her boyfriend, which goes something like this — “Even though our time together was short, the stars have been burning for every moment of it.”. I know we all have probably heard a quote similar to this — ‘“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”. Well this quote ofcourse made no-sense at all to me, right after my beloved wife passed away. I simply couldn’t be happy. But after all these years, I have found my peace and when this movie ended with a similar message, I could finally smile and I hope to continue smiling for rest of my life. I realise grieving was important and it takes time to reach to this stage, but everyone can reach here with right will, a little help and some therapy. We have to embrace the process.

So now I am a single 40+ man, father to a daughter, living in a Tier-2 Indian city, with little chances of being in a relationship anytime soon. But I still enjoy listening to the love songs. I listen and sing-along while driving to office. I don’t need to be romantically involved with someone to enjoy the love songs anymore. Love is in the air they say. I feel it every day. Life is beautiful, life is perfect.