“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” —Gail Sheehy
Cannabis effed me up bad.
It was prescribed for sleep, anxiety, and pain roughly four years ago. I tried a cannabis gummy once and hated the strange sensations and overall feeling of losing control. Almost a year later, I decided to try again after acknowledging that many of my hope-filled actions of obtaining inner peace partnered with copious amounts of Ibuprofen for chronic pain proved to have Swiss-cheese efficacy over time.
But with my second cannabis-gummy attempt, I didn’t care so much about the loss of control. What even is pain?, I thought as my body felt amorphous, my frequently haywire nerves soothed, my heightened sensory experience muted, and my constantly chaotic brain slowed down for what seemed like the first time in my life. I could speak directly without gobbledygook or anxiety-riddled attempts to finesse what I say, fearing how everything will land no matter how innocuous. I could think clearly and succinctly, and communicate as such—something I didn’t think possible for me. Sure, my eyes were probably bloodshot, eyelids stuck at half mast, if I was able to open them at all; I can't remember. And my inability to sit up straight likely didn’t help my endeavor to conceal the fast-hitting high, but at that moment, none of it mattered. Nothing mattered. I was wholly at peace. Pain didn’t exist. I was set free, even temporarily.
It became a nightly habit. One where I no longer needed to worry over being able to sleep that night; sleep was guaranteed.
It became a nightly habit. One where I no longer needed to worry over being able to sleep that night; sleep was guaranteed.
Or so I thought.
Fast-forward to May 2024, several back-to-back injuries left me in considerable, chronic pain during the daytime hours, and occasionally having to sit around healing didn’t help the inflammation issue. I’d cut my Ibuprofen use down to 600 milligrams a day, but feared what the decade of heavy consumption and chronic inflammation might have already done to my future body.
Plucked from a ramble to my primary care physician, she recommended low-dose naltrexone (LDN) through her colleague, and set up an appointment with him.
By mid-June, I began titrating up on the bitter-tasting liquid medication designed for full-dosing (naltrexone) to help people with alcohol and opioid-use disorder to get clean. In low doses, it’s been found to modulate the immune system, reduce pain, and improve feelings of well-being for people with chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and autoimmune disorders.
Within three weeks, I was able to quit Ibuprofen entirely.
Excited, I executed projects I’d been unable to even plan for over the course of a couple of years, and readied to get back to work.
I made plans for the entirety of 2025, and wrote the last two pieces of 2024—the çe la vie to Substack and the reintroduction to my Hey, World! newsletter.
Then, the election happened.
I spent the bulk of 2024 working on myself, managing my health, and finally giving my family the time, attention, and energy they needed from me, yet instantly it was as if everything I worked so hard for evaporated before me.
I tried to re-regulate myself again and again but nothing worked, and my obsessive need to understand how and why a subset of the United States’s [voting] population simply couldn’t bring themselves to the voting booth or dropbox; couldn’t educate themselves enough to stop with the third-party-protest bullshit in this country, and those who had enough hate in their hearts or could be duped not once, twice, but three times, and numerous repeatedly swindled all over again by a despicable, con-artist cog in a fascistic machine left me even more restless and unsettled.
Continual illnesses and injuries befell me. My kids would come home stressed and terrified. I carried all of our fear of and for the present and future, plus the ever-growing cost of survival and the sickening dread for everyone directly and indirectly affected—especially all the children; innocent, even if their parents voted for it.
Amid the stress and bitterness and anger and sadness, I missed the fact that my body was no longer tolerating cannabis.
In an attempt to regain control of what I could, I paused my multiple-format intake of news, cancelled my GroundNews subscription and deleted the app from my phone. Then I spent a week deep-dive journaling at least daily while doing my damndest to ignore the temptations and influences of the outside world.
In that week, I was able to pinpoint that, although disconcerting, the election result and post-inauguration onslaught inspiring a slew of internal reactions were a part of a bigger picture. Sure, trauma from the first administration—at the most basic level, the first president in U.S. history to not concede an election loss, and his subsequent (denied yet documented and recorded) attempts to overthrow our democracy, debasing our country's history forever on January 6, 2021—and witnessing the continued attempts and actualized decimation of human rights; witnessing the rampant prejudice and indecency, and the fervent anti-intellectualism and immunity to reason as if a swathe of the population is simultaneously allergic to wisdom, empathy, and critical thinking... but only until it hits their close family or personal realities like a Mack truck out of a fog do some of these people then begin to wonder. And seemingly only then do they want to make change, but only for them—fuck everybody else.
In that week, I was able to pinpoint that, although disconcerting, the election result and post-inauguration onslaught inspiring a slew of internal reactions were a part of a bigger picture. Sure, trauma from the first administration—at the most basic level, the first president in U.S. history to not concede an election loss, and his subsequent (denied yet documented and recorded) attempts to overthrow our democracy, debasing our country's history forever on January 6, 2021—and witnessing the continued attempts and actualized decimation of human rights; witnessing the rampant prejudice and indecency, and the fervent anti-intellectualism and immunity to reason as if a swathe of the population is simultaneously allergic to wisdom, empathy, and critical thinking... but only until it hits their close family or personal realities like a Mack truck out of a fog do some of these people then begin to wonder. And seemingly only then do they want to make change, but only for them—fuck everybody else.
Zoom out. Zoom in. Zoom out again.
Of course I was a mess. But, at the time, that was the surface-level issue hiding something else.
My efforts and scouring through old journal entries revealed that my well-being took a severe nosedive after I regularly began using cannabis.
My efforts and scouring through old journal entries revealed that my well-being took a severe nosedive after I regularly began using cannabis.
The late-night impactful realizations while high gave me a false sense of cogency in my decision to continue, even through repeated battles with feeling guilty over being high every single night for roughly three years.
Knowing myself, eventually I would have gotten to a point where I could achieve such an enlightened state without the need for a mind-altering substance. (Discovering binaural and bilateral 8D and some New Age [search in your music app: Divine Moments, Broken Peak, Calderras, Analogue Twin, etc.] music partnered with belly-breathing at the start, middle, and end of the day has been just two things which have proven that already.) But, yet again, I tried to rush the process.
Quitting entered my mind here and there over the last few months, but my body was resistant to the idea. My stomach would twist, and a ball would form in my throat. And the nights I considered skipping my post-shower cannabis gummy would trigger an eye-roll, thinking, good sleep is too important.
The first few weeks sans cannabis were brutal.
Had I been aware of the latent side effects (for some) while using it and even that there was a risk of horrible withdrawals before I started, I never would’ve started in the first place.
Sleep disturbances, chronic diarrhea for weeks, REM sleep disruption, severe and constant fatigue, and even worse brain fog than I experienced in the entirety of my nightly use of cannabis. I already had dry skin prior, but it made things doubly worse (which also means I was spending even more money on skincare products than I needed to for years). Headaches, bloating, reflux so bad it scorched the back of my throat and tongue, etc. It was a miserable few weeks, to say the least. But as the horrid early symptoms began to diminish, I decided it’s probably wise for me to quit watching the news and any talking-head commentary—anything with any sort of emotion behind it. (I’m fully capable of forming my own opinions and feeling outraged without external influence or manipulation, thankyouverymuch.) And within a couple of days following that decision, I decided to stop watching TV shows while I got ready for the day and during my bedtime routine—something I started during my evening routine in November to avoid doom scrolling, but allowed it to bleed into my morning routine, making both activities take twice, often three times longer than when I used to just listen to music.
A couple of weeks ago, a friend warned me of potential cannabis cravings up ahead, but even if that happens, I’ll painlessly laugh at myself because I am never going through that shit again.
A photo of the Seattle Center's HANDS OFF Protest on 6 April 2025, complements of a friend.
It’ll be seven weeks tomorrow since I quit cannabis, and a lot has happened since.
Although I’m still injuring easily (that’s Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, though), I’m on the mend after a round of shockwave therapy on my feet and ankles, and after completing a highly productive (non-consecutive) eight-week cycle of physical therapy which I've been mostly able to continue at home.
I was able to take care of some home projects, including taking care of all of my plants (and dumping the dead ones—sorry, plants), reducing massive amounts of stuff (and still going!), and finally clearing off and oiling my desk top. It's so much more peaceful now.
Additionally, I went ahead and deleted apps like YouTube and Reddit from my phone to enhance productivity and inner peace. I tried app limits first, but recognized that I would start the day procrastinating with the time I allowed myself, making it impossible for me to concentrate later. I can always access them on my computer when I’m done working. But getting rid of distracting apps from the portable, handheld device that's always with me has eliminated the desire to hang out in the bathroom longer than I need to or to avoid healthier activities like journaling, reading or writing. And I returned to utilizing automatic Focus “blackout” sessions scheduled on my phone and computer during the workday. It’s been a good way for me to avoid exposures to external distractions I can’t control while still allowing people like my immediate family and the kids’ schools, school nurses, and counselors to be able to contact me.
I’ve been using journaling and writing prompts* and Skillshare (link accesses a free 30-day trial)* courses to brush up on and rebuild my writing habit. And reading inspirational and motivating books like The Daily Stoic* and 1000 Words* by Jamie Attenberg.
I’ve supplemented news and commentary videos with relaxing simple-living and some minimalism content, while mostly staying abreast of what’s going on by headline-skimming BBC News, Reuters, and AP News, rarely clicking through unless it’s something I require more clarity on.
Presently, my favorite minimalism and simple-living creators on YouTube are Vera of Simple Happy Zen and Becky Truda of Minimal Ease.
I started donating monthly to the ACLU and Democracy Forward to help fund their court battles which benefit all of us.
We reduced our spending overall in preparation for a recession and wanting to tighten up for a very uncertain future. And we’ve cut or dramatically cut back on our purchasing from companies like Amazon, Whole Foods, and Target, too. It felt so damn good to officially cancel our Amazon Prime membership. I wish I'd done it sooner. Although Whole Foods is across the street from us, Brian is taking public transit to two local markets instead. Where we can, we’re buying local to support our local economy, or trying to buy direct but primarily from small companies wherever possible.
As a car-free family, I switched to other apps and websites that offer subscriptions for regular-use items, like iHerb and Grove Collaborative. Toilet paper, trash and compost bags, and paper towels from Who Gives A Crap. (If you’d like $10 off, respond to this message or email me with ‘I want WGAC’ in the body, and I’ll respond with a coupon link. Not super-convenient, but that's just how their referral system works.) The Good Kitchen for some gluten-free, pre-made lunch options. (Cooking often steals too many spoons from my day, so it's a solid way to eat healthier without the stress of cooking at home. It also curbed my desire to dine out almost entirely, outside of special times with friends, etc.) And I plan to utilize the library more often, but also only buy physical books and eBooks locally or through Bookshop[dot]org instead of sometimes how I'd lazily do it on Amazon when Elliott Bay Books didn't have the book I was looking for.
As a writer, I'll always buy books to support authors, but my new policy is "one in, one out" for just about everything.
As a writer, I'll always buy books to support authors, but my new policy is "one in, one out" for just about everything.
Every day, I get movement, even if it [initially] hurts a little. (Not injury-hurt, but MCAS/inflammation-hurt.) And when I can’t, I use a foot and leg massager or percussion massager to help my body make it to the next shockwave session, or do whatever seated physical therapy exercises I can tolerate.
All these shifts were a tough transition initially, and I admit, I had excuses abound. But since November, I started making little changes and those changes bred more changes. I’m focused on living simpler and with more intention; all without feeling like I’m “missing out” on anything.
I can’t control what anyone else does with their lives and actions, but I can control what I do; how I spend my time, energy, and money. And it’s felt damn good to finally align my actions with my values.
I’m doing everything possible to stop directly funding billionaires and their coup as our leadership's actions destabilize us, as well as the global economy.
I choose to do better and be better. And doing so is one way I’m showing my children that I will continue to fight for and with them. And that with enough people fighting for change, our actions should make a positive difference for all.
“He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.” —Harold Wilson
“He who rejects change is the architect of decay. The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery.” —Harold Wilson
P.S. If you experience chronic pain, fibromyalgia, and/or autoimmune disorder(s), you can talk to your doctor about low-dose naltrexone, or visit the LDN Research Trust website to find a physician/prescriber. I am not a doctor, however, as a chronic-illness patient, LDN has absolutely improved my quality of life. And there are little to no side effects, so I have no problem openly suggesting it. I'm someone who is sensitive to just about everything, and have no issues with LDN.
_____
Note: any product listed with an asterisk(*) behind it is an affiliate link. By using that link to purchase something, you provide a small commission at no extra cost to you. Although small, these little income boosts contribute toward my in-the-works projects. I appreciate you!