This musing was originally published on the former Life and Other Stories blog on February 15, 2022. It's been updated and re-edited.

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"You don't have a job either."

The words stung. And the only reply that popped out of my mouth was, "But I have three kids, zero being teenagers. She has one sixteen year old."

He nodded and said, "Yeah, you're right." But my heart still hurt over what was likely a benign response to my curious question, which I received as a judgment.

I was reading an Am I The Asshole (AITA) subreddit post. In it, a divorced and remarried mom of a teenager shared about a situation involving her stepdaughter — her new husband's teen who was just a few months younger than her own.

The stepdaughter was demanding a $60,000 car like her stepsister received from her wealthy father (the poster's ex-husband), when the woman's current husband earns just a little over the price tag of the car annually.

The woman was a homemaker in her first marriage, financially supported by her wealthy husband. When they amicably divorced, the ex left her their large home and continued to support her. She later met and married her current husband who moved in with her, and her ex gifted them his stake in the paid-off house as a wedding gift.

The woman is now financially supported by her new husband who, quote: "earns significantly less than [her] ex, but it's enough for [them]."

My husband had just finished making dinner and passed me a plate across the counter where I was seated, reading said Reddit post. After getting to the part about the stepdaughter demanding the same car from her father and stepmother (otherwise she'd no longer speak to her father), I scoffed and said, "Let's never get divorced, okay?"

My husband teasingly sighed and said, "Well, okay."

The whole family chuckled, and my middle kiddo asked why I said that. I explained the post, and before my brain had a chance to process the whip-fast thought before it escaped my lips, I said, "I wonder why the [woman] never got a job, though."

And as fast as it leaked, my husband said, "You don't have a job either."

Photo credit: Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels

One of the many things I love about my husband is that he always plays Devil's Advocate, giving the "voiceless" a voice; challenging ideas and statements.

But this "observation" stung for many reasons.

Although I know he meant no harm, and didn't know my question was based on curiosity and not judgment, the words cut deep.

It made me think of a lot of things, like how homemakers or stay-at-home parents are societally viewed and undervalued.

Some parents have no choice as childcare costs can exceed or completely absorb one parent's industry income, and now the lower-earner parent must stay home because they can't afford to work.

Some parents choose to stay home and raise their children, and be present with them for reasons of value, religion, et cetera.

But the stinging sentence made my employment history flash in my mind's eye; me having children young and dropping out of college after my mom died to assume her role so my family wouldn't lose the business they put literally every dime they had into; and how even my own valuation of being a homemaker or a stay-at-home parent for myself was so skewed that I did work I hated just to not have to tick “unemployed” on any form.

Since when is being a parent not the most demanding, critical [and seemingly thankless] job in existence?

Since when is being the caretaker of a home not "work"?

Nannies and babysitters earn money to watch other people’s kids — it’s a valued profession (depending on who you ask, I’m sure) — so why is raising your own children not as highly valued?

Housekeepers are paid to clean other people’s houses — why is a homemaker not viewed as equally important?

To be clear, my husband values me greatly. Just last week one of my children made an artless statement that they “probably make more money than [I] do” since we started paying them a living wage of sorts. We wanted them to start engaging financially in the world, and to learn financial responsibility while also serving as motivation to help around the house.

I lost my words when she said it. We were out to dinner, and I immediately felt myself dissociating and shutting down. I texted my husband from across the table that we should talk to her about human valuation, and that someone’s income doesn’t define who they are as a person in any way.

After leaving the restaurant, I overheard him talk to her about it, walking ahead of the other two kids and me. 

I felt content in that moment. Loved. Valued.

I may not work a typical eight-to-five/six/seven, but I never stop working. I just don’t always get paid the same way an employee does.

But that doesn’t make me any less.

And should it be this way? No. Absolutely not.

Not only do homemakers and stay-at-home parents often work just as hard as their income-earning partners, they also have to deal with most if not all of the household and familial duties, as well as doing the bulk if not all of the emotional labor of the family, but we also deal with the societal downcast. It’s either we’re privileged or we’re lazy — there seems to be little to no gray area, on the whole.

And when I wondered aloud why that AITA subreddit-mom hadn’t worked a “job” in at least sixteen years, I asked from a place of, I wonder what’s going on in this person’s life.

It’s all perfectly valid, after all.

But my statement, without the clarified thoughts pluming around it, apparently seemed judgmental and off-base. And maybe, deep down, it was. Maybe that deep-seated mindset of "I have to work to be valued" seeped out from my early programming.

And sure, this particular incident between my spouse and I was birthed from miscommunication that’s since been clarified, but it’s indicative of a societal view that’s flawed.

And it doesn’t. Just some people never got the memo.

My best,

Sara

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