what is it about the past that keeps me going back to it?
good or bad whatever it is i just seem to find myself in these pensive, reflective, nostalgic moments so often i dislike having those experiences to start with.

am i somebody who spends more time in the past or hallucinating about a different future? probably. i spend very little time in the now and in reality but why? is reality that bad?

i dont think it is. i think for whatever has happened, life has mostly been good and only getting better for me. ofc theres a few lows here and there and even fewer have been gut wrenchingly low but overall life has still gotten better. yet i find myself swimming upstream against the tide of time trying to remember how i felt back when the last bad thing didnt happen to me. cause the last bad thing felt like the worst thing ever to happen, and its that cycle that never ends. 

the last bad thing feels like the worst thing. is that true? if it is then it means despite life getting better, the lows are getting lower with time. they just feel a lot more high stakes like what if i lose my income what if i lose my partner what if i lose my parents. and thats probably true. 

and i think this is what im reconciling with: being in positions where good things happen directly put me in the path of potentially experiencing what it'll be if the good thing didnt happen or even worse: if it happened and then its taken away from me. like speculative stocks but the stock is me and the returns are my feelings.

if you ever look around in a game you see faraway lands barely rendered. its low resolution blurry images that make no sense. youd like it if they did, you want it to, but they dont. thats cause computing power is dedicated to making sure you see whats immediately around you as well as possible. because the distant lands dont matter right now. 

im trying to spend my computing power on closer sights, and not the distant lands. they dont matter right now. dont render them.