- Everyone knows that Superman and Clark Kent are the same. But which one is the alter ego? I've asked this question for the past fifteen years, countless times in front of audiences around the world, and 90 percent of the audience immediately yell out, "SUPERMAN!" It sounds right. Because when you think of "alter egos," you think of superpowers, heroism, and epic battles. All the qualities of a superhero like Superman. Except--it's wrong. The alter ego isn't Superman; it's Clark Kent. Superman is the real person. He created the alter ego, mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, as a useful persona to go unnoticed day-to-day on earth and blend in to help him achieve a crucial goal: understanding humans. Superman would flip between his alter ego and the S on his chest at precisely the moments when he needed each persona the most. Why does this matter? Because, frankly, life is hard. There are a lot of different responsibilities we all carry on our shoulders. There are a lot of different roles we play in life. And there are the constant forces of society--religion, families, teammates, coworkers, friends, and others--that lead us to act a certain way. These come in the form of expectations, rules, and judgments about how we're supposed to act.
- Now, here's one of the most important points of the book, so pay close attention. From an observer's perspective, who is the "real you"? Be careful how you answer, because this is the paradox that has tripped up most people in their lives. It is also how many people in the amateur self-help world have led people astray for decades. To help you with your answer, think of it this way: We are judged in our lives by what we do, not by what we think or intend to do. If I think about calling my mom and telling her exactly why I love her, and I actually pick up the phone and call and tell her, it creates a totally different world. One is Ordinary, the other Extraordinary. This is the classic case of "it's hard to read the label when you're inside the bottle.
- Daniel Craig isn't James Bond. But James Bond is somewhere inside Daniel Craig. Most of my clients say the Alter Ego feels more like their truest self--I'll let you judge that for yourself later. My good friend Ian says, "The Alter Ego is your deepest self, the truest version of you.
- It's the classic and often-quoted quip from hockey legend Wayne Gretzky, "You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Thinking, feeling, doing, and experiencing. These are the four planes we are always living in: What are you thinking, what are you feeling, what are you doing, and what are you experiencing or getting as a result?
- None of us gets every single resource to succeed; however, it's what you do with what you've got that will be the difference in whether you find yourself in an Ordinary or Extraordinary World. Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote, "To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering."
- Because when something lurks in the shadows, when you can't see, touch, or hold it, it becomes more frightening. It's unknown. And when something is unknown, it's difficult to deal with because your imagination runs wild, building it up to be larger than it is. The proverbial "monster under the bed." Take the movie Jaws, for example. Originally, Steven Spielberg intended the huge mechanical shark to play a far more significant role in the film. But it broke, so he and his crew had to use other tricks to build the suspense. Remember the music? A deep beat begins to build . . . You know something is coming, something from the vast depths beneath the water . . . but you don't know when or where or whom it will strike. No one saw the shark. You just see a girl splashing around, and then suddenly getting pulled under the water. Talk about terrifying! By not seeing the Enemy, Spielberg knew that he would trigger our imaginations to run wild. The imagination is a powerful tool, which we'll intentionally use to build your Alter Ego. But like all great tools, it can be wielded for positive or negative results. Sometimes your imagination, when not adequately harnessed or controlled, will run amok filling in and creating an even more terrifying story. "How big is this thing? I don't know, but it must be huge!" The more something remains in the shadows, in the dark, unseen and untouched, the scarier it becomes. In the last section, we began to shine a light on the Enemy and its forces. Now I want you to drag it from the shadows and give it a name. That's right, I want you to name your Enemy. As soon as you give something a name, you've given it an identity. You've given it a form, a shape, a structure. When we give something a shape, we are also giving our Alter Ego something to defeat, something to overcome, something to battle against. With that image or thought, you may have even felt a specific emotion. The bottom line: Make it something you're going to love facing down and conquering.
- Godin's book All Marketers Are Liars discusses the idea that "everyone is a liar." Godin writes, "We tell ourselves stories that can't possibly be true but believing those stories allows us to function" (emphasis added). There is perhaps no faster way to evoke a strong emotion than to tell or hear a compelling story. We feel stories, and when we feel stories, whether we're feeling fear, anxiety, joy, or happiness, those emotions can prompt us to act. When we're telling ourselves powerful negative stories, wrapped up in a Hidden Force, then they become self-fulfilling prophecies. Imagine for a moment that five minutes before a big meeting with a prospective client, a script began playing internally. The script went like this: "I'll never close this prospective client. He's way more successful than me. I don't have anything worth selling. They're so much better than me. I'm such an imposter. They're going to realise I don't belong in this room with them." When that's the story you're telling yourself about you, it's pretty hard to walk into that meeting, relaxed, confident, and self-assured that you have an incredible opportunity to offer the person across from you, and they'd be lucky to work with a partner like you. You're crossing wires. It's challenging to tell such a demoralising story and then go out and rock it.
- Every time he picked up the phone, the Trapped Self that showed up hated salespeople. This is one of the Common Forces I outlined in chapter 6, "a bad attitude." There was no way his Heroic Self, with its best traits, was going to shine through. He could have tried to change his behaviours and actions, he could have tried to tell himself that salespeople are fantastic (which they are!), but it probably wouldn't have stuck. Not when the Trapped Self he brought to his Field of Play categorically believed salespeople weren't to be trusted. Jimmy wasn't showing up with confidence, integrity, or passion on his calls. Every time he picked up the phone, the little tape in his head played: "Hey, Jimmy, what makes you think these people want to talk to you? You're just out to hustle them for money, aren't you? You're not fooling anyone. They see right through you. Come on; they have better things to do with their days. Wrap up this call--now!"
- "I told myself that I was a 'total starter, a non-finisher.' I never finished anything, so no wonder I wasn't getting the results," Amy told me. "I told myself this story for thirty-eight years, and it created so much suffering. Suffering from missed opportunities, from the crippling self-doubt, of the self-judgment, of the self-criticism." When I introduced the Alter Ego concept to Amy, who is now an entrepreneur, it made sense to her immediately. "I was in a place where I was open to hearing new things about myself, and about the way that I thought about myself, so I was able to notice all the talking that I was doing to myself, and the stories I was telling myself. My current story was, 'I'm inconsistent with my results, whether that was related to my health and wellness, my relationships, or my business.'" The story Amy had lived for so long was that she was "inconsistent with the results in her life." Her Alter Ego's story became the opposite. Her Alter Ego's story was "I'm consistent with the results in my life." "I never thought I could be different," Amy said. "I could just choose to decide to be different, and that was available to me. I had no idea! I thought the story that 'I'm inconsistent' was a fundamental part of who I am, and that I could never get rid of it. I journaled about this for years! And then, all of a sudden, this story didn't have to define me. I could write a new one, and I could be different."
- For a moment in time, just a few minutes even, anyone can suspend the stories they've been carrying with them on the Field of Play and in a Moment of Impact. Anyone can overcome whatever Hidden Force is holding them back or change whatever story they've been living out. All it takes is your willingness to suspend your disbelief. After I asked the colonel about his dad uniform of golf shirt and jeans and whether it meant anything to him, he struggled with the idea that it could mean anything significant. But just as I assured him, I want to assure you; there's a natural process you already use that can turn something ordinary into something extraordinary.
- "We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret." He said, "Todd, if you're not willing to risk the unusual, you'll have to settle for the ordinary." Instead of asking the universe for it, I'm saying, build an Alter Ego that will go on a quest to attain what you want. "I learned many great lessons from my father--not the least of which is that you can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love [emphasis added]," Carrey added in his speech. Even Cary Grant once said, "I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally, I became that person. Or he became me."
- However, the challenge in training people to find that place was like trying to thread a rope through the eye of a needle. Why? Because fundamentally, most people, even the best of the best, get affected by the Common or Hidden Forces or try to "control the outcome" rather than trusting themselves and the process. An Alter Ego can help build intention, promote belief, and create trust. The famous poet John Milton once wrote, "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven." The power to change lives inside us.
- Studies have shown that negative self-talk, doubt, and disparagement go quiet when we're engaged in creative work. Just like Michael, it's so much easier for you to create a Don't Want list, which is exactly what you did when you unpacked all the layers on the Field of Play Model. [Figure 9.]
- Contrary to popular memes and quotes about successful people, that last one is key. Winners become winners because they failed more than others. So why not have a healthy relationship with that experience? It doesn't mean you accept failure as an identity. It simply means you don't let it define you and you know you're gaining more wisdom with every attempt.
- Beyond just taking action, the emotional resonance you feel toward what you want, toward why you're creating this Alter Ego, is also your motivation. The word motivation comes from the Latin word motivus, which means "moving cause." As a mental strength coach, there's one thing I can't coach people on. That's motivation. I won't touch it. It's one of the few things that no one can coach you on or create for you. It's the X-factor. I can't make an athlete get up at 4 a.m. to run drills or wind sprints. I can't make an entrepreneur want to start and grow a business or to stick with it when they hit the rough patches. I can't make someone want their goal bad enough that they're driven to overcome any and every obstacle, no matter how tough or how high the cost. In his bestselling book, How We Decide, Jonah Lehrer makes the case that rationality depends on emotion. Feeling, not intellect, drives motivation. Lehrer points out, "Emotion and motivation share the same Latin root, movere, which means 'to move.' The world is full of things, and it is our feelings that help us choose among them." You have to find that motivation within, and very often that motivation comes from feeling so emotionally connected to what we want that nothing else matters. It's the core purpose of our being. We have to go on this quest. We have to enter our Extraordinary World, no matter the cost, no matter the odds, no matter the outcome.
- Most people are stuck sitting on the sidelines while the game of life is happening on the field. One of the most challenging sports I've ever worked is equestrian, and Lisa was a tough nut to crack . . . When you think about all the challenging components I'm trying to bring together so that an elite athlete can perform at their best, it's daunting. Aligning the mental, emotional, and physical worlds can feel like herding three cats at once. But in the equestrian world, a factor gets added that only magnifies those three worlds: a horse. Equestrian is a fascinating collection of different disciplines. There's horse jumping, horse racing, polo, and dressage, to name a few. And the last is what my client Lisa competed in. It's a fascinating sport, because in other sports like soccer, football, basketball, or golf, you don't have a thousand-pound horse underneath you detecting every single subtle movement, feeling, or thought you have. If you're not familiar with horses, they're one of the most emotionally mature animals on the planet, which is precisely why they're used in therapy and recovery work for people with PTSD, autism, addiction, and many other mental-health-related problems. But it's this hyperawareness horses have that makes dressage such a challenging sport.
- Merriam-Webster defines dressage as "the execution by a trained horse of precision movements in response to barely perceptible signals from its rider." Think about that for a moment. "Precision movements" from a thousand-pound animal with acute emotional abilities, coming from "barely perceptible signals from its rider," which means a human being.
- And we all know human beings are far from perfect. Again, it's the only sport where whatever you're emotionally feeling gets transmuted to the horse. It means that whatever Lisa's emotional state was, her horse would pick up on it and often reflect it in its performance. The problem Lisa battled was extreme nervousness and anxiety before competitions, and this would show itself in her posture. She'd slouch a bit, hunching her shoulders. It also showed up in the amount of pressure she'd hold the reins with; gripping too tight was like a telephone wire sending a signal straight to the horse that screamed, "I'm not feeling confident right now, and I'm super nervous, so you should be nervous, too!" Her horse, Ricky Bobby, picked up on everything loud and clear, and he would dance around, his posture would be off, and it affected the scores from the judges. After all, the sport is about precision movements during a predefined routine using subtle signals from the rider.
- You can build an Alter Ego from any source, like: TV or movie character, Literary character, Cartoon character, Superhero, Entertainer, Historical figure, Animal, Machine, Something abstract, Athlete, Someone from your life, like family members, teachers, friends, or mentors (For a more exhaustive list, along with the traits associated with different characters, visit AlterEgoEffect.com/ inspiration.)
- The inspiration for your Alter Ego's name can come in many forms, but here's what I know. It typically evolves over time. So don't concern yourself with getting it perfect. Just like when you named your pet for the first time, their name probably evolved over time into a nickname. When you're choosing your Alter Ego's name, keep in mind that you'll want to have an emotional connection to it (just like Alonto, Kobe, Joanna, Beyoncé, and me). It should also connect to the Superpowers you'll need to perform on your Field of Play and will act as another trigger reminding you of what you want to tap into during those Moments of Impact.
- Winston Marshall [Winston Churchill + Own name] - there aren't any rules to this, so just pick a name and start running with it. This part of the Alter Ego Effect is one of my absolute favorites in the process because it gets your imagination going and empowers you to create your Extraordinary World. It's also the point where you're in the lab creating the Secret Identity to battle the forces of the Enemy trying to pull you into the Ordinary World. Now we're going to begin the process of adding even more depth, strength, and potency to your Secret Identity by building an Origin Story. Let's get started . . .
- When I was trying to launch my first business, I just couldn't close the deals. I knew I had something important to offer people. But I had this massive insecurity about looking like I was twelve years old with my baby face and that people wouldn't respect or listen to me. Finally, a thought popped into my head from my school days: "The people that get respected are the people others see as smart. And the smartest people I know have glasses." It was at that moment I found my Totem. If I wore glasses, went my thinking, then people would see me as smart, and they'd respect me. I also was a huge Superman fan, and Superman wore glasses as Clark Kent, so to me, this made glasses even more powerful.
- As soon as I felt the wingtips of my glasses brush against my temples, I did my "Reverse Superman." Superman took off his glasses to become "normal"; I put on my glasses to get my "Superpowers." Just wearing that pair of glasses caused me to morph into the most confident, strong, intelligent version of myself, a version that I knew was respected. Now, did my potential clients actually believe I was smart? Did they actually respect me more than they had before? I don't know. I don't care. It didn't matter. Whether anyone associated intelligence and respect with a pair of eyeglasses wasn't the point. I was the one creating and living in my world, and if I felt more intelligent, more respectable, and more decisive, that was the only thing that mattered. Because emotion drives performance. And it worked.
- The Alter Ego is designed to transform your performance. That includes everything from how you physically act and behave to your thoughts to your emotions, your beliefs to your values, your posture to the tone of your voice. And all the way through the "layers" of the Alter Ego Effect Model. Right now, the Alter Ego that will bring forth all these Superpowers and tap into your Heroic Self is lying dormant and ready to be Activated--it's in the realm of your imagination on the mental and emotional planes. You need something that will call it forth into the physical world and into physical form. That's what the Totem does. It gives your Alter Ego a form and a shape. It's not just an idea floating in your head or an emotion you feel. It's not just some vivid daydream that you distract yourself with in a meeting. Your Alter Ego is real, and it needs to be grounded in a physical presence. A Totem engages more of your senses. You can feel, smell, taste, touch, and see the object, which sparks a visceral feeling.
- Your Alter Ego's Totem or Artefact is the bridge from your imagination to the physical world. It's the anchor. Having this Totem to anchor your Alter Ego, too, not only enables the transformation, but it also helps leverage one of the core foundations of habit change. Cary Grant, the famed actor, who was born Archie Leach, said, "I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be, and I finally became that person. Or he became me. Or we met at some point." This is what the Alter Ego is designed to help you reach, this place where your Heroic Self naturally comes forth without having to think about it when you need it.
Thanks & Regards
Yashodhan Khare
Yashodhan Khare