The sun is up a little earlier. The skies darken a little later. The air smells of spring.
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something.
And I'm about two-thirds certain that, that something is me, slowly crawling out of my depressive cycle.
I don't intend to write too much on depression - but I do want to write something that perhaps feels a little more human than a how-to-get-over-yourself-Medium-style-5-min-read. I can promise you that is something you do not want to be reading when you're depressed.
I have come to discover that a part of growing up is still getting to know yourself — the orbit you revolve around, the seasons of your mind, the metamorphosis that comes when you understand a sliver more.
My depression is a big part of it.
While I'm growing into this brighter cycle, I've learned I really have to take advantage of it. What are some things that this present, present me can do the the future depressive me? Maybe little by little, year by year, as I get to know myself more the lows won't be so low.
A lot of times when I'm depressed I tell myself everything is too hard and I'm terrible at it. Whether it is in learning, cleaning my room, talking to people, or writing itself. Each depressive episode I have, I manage to make myself believe I am only a fraction of a human.
I recently watched an old video by one of my favorite YouTubers, and she brought up a great analogy. We get the idea that we're not whole from the world around us. Maybe it was a bad grade we got on a test. Maybe it was a joke that you told but no one laughed at. Maybe it's your friends telling you, you're really dirty. Or even worse — it's the lack of any affection or attention at all!
It's these little nudges that seed a mind into thinking — I'm terrible at math. I'm not funny. I'm really bad a cleaning. I'm not worthwhile. And we can find a certain comfort in accepting and wallowing in these truths that crush us because it's the only thing we know.
But say we challenge that...
I look at myself in the past with math. I always believed I was terrible at math because I didn't excel in it like I did in writing or biology — and I look at myself with math now. I'm in a master's program in data science. I wonder now how could I ever believe that I am not good at math.
I recall considering going into a master's program that combined journalism and computer science and thought I could never make it. I never touched a line of code aside from html. I thought I was bad with computers and technology.
Two years later, I'm a software engineer, and that aspiration I had to attend that program doesn't seem so far away anymore.
I often let these preconceived notions, very emotional notions, of myself dictate how I view myself. If I could move beyond these emotions and give myself a chance to try things like I did with computer science and data science, maybe how I see myself is quite frankly, not true.
My goals these days aren't too ambitious. The first notion of myself I'd like to challenge is the idea that I'm not clean or organized.
I can clean that bathroom, regularly.
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something.
And I'm about two-thirds certain that, that something is me, slowly crawling out of my depressive cycle.
I don't intend to write too much on depression - but I do want to write something that perhaps feels a little more human than a how-to-get-over-yourself-Medium-style-5-min-read. I can promise you that is something you do not want to be reading when you're depressed.
I have come to discover that a part of growing up is still getting to know yourself — the orbit you revolve around, the seasons of your mind, the metamorphosis that comes when you understand a sliver more.
My depression is a big part of it.
While I'm growing into this brighter cycle, I've learned I really have to take advantage of it. What are some things that this present, present me can do the the future depressive me? Maybe little by little, year by year, as I get to know myself more the lows won't be so low.
A lot of times when I'm depressed I tell myself everything is too hard and I'm terrible at it. Whether it is in learning, cleaning my room, talking to people, or writing itself. Each depressive episode I have, I manage to make myself believe I am only a fraction of a human.
I recently watched an old video by one of my favorite YouTubers, and she brought up a great analogy. We get the idea that we're not whole from the world around us. Maybe it was a bad grade we got on a test. Maybe it was a joke that you told but no one laughed at. Maybe it's your friends telling you, you're really dirty. Or even worse — it's the lack of any affection or attention at all!
It's these little nudges that seed a mind into thinking — I'm terrible at math. I'm not funny. I'm really bad a cleaning. I'm not worthwhile. And we can find a certain comfort in accepting and wallowing in these truths that crush us because it's the only thing we know.
But say we challenge that...
I look at myself in the past with math. I always believed I was terrible at math because I didn't excel in it like I did in writing or biology — and I look at myself with math now. I'm in a master's program in data science. I wonder now how could I ever believe that I am not good at math.
I recall considering going into a master's program that combined journalism and computer science and thought I could never make it. I never touched a line of code aside from html. I thought I was bad with computers and technology.
Two years later, I'm a software engineer, and that aspiration I had to attend that program doesn't seem so far away anymore.
I often let these preconceived notions, very emotional notions, of myself dictate how I view myself. If I could move beyond these emotions and give myself a chance to try things like I did with computer science and data science, maybe how I see myself is quite frankly, not true.
My goals these days aren't too ambitious. The first notion of myself I'd like to challenge is the idea that I'm not clean or organized.
I can clean that bathroom, regularly.