How To Become Who You Are

Self-improvement doesn't work.

Yet most people are stuck in a constant state of trying to improve themselves.

The reason self-improvement has a bad rap is because it is—in part—bullshit.

You can't improve yourself.

At least not in the ways you've gone about doing it in the past.

Why?

Because you're trying to change something about yourself you don't like.

This means that your "self-improvement" is coming from inner conflict.

At its root—this is a form of non-acceptance of who you are.

You can't change anything unless you do the one thing you've been avoiding doing.

And that is—to accept it.

Acceptance is huge.

Most of us find something about ourselves we dislike and immediately judge and react to it. This shows up as us attempting to fix or change aspects of ourselves, or our circumstances.

"I shouldn't do that"
"I need to change"
"I'm not good enough"

What we don't do is to first look at it—and, accept it.

Our ego's are made to judge. Yet, when we judge an aspect of ourselves we create a separation between "it" and "us". When in reality—we are it! And, it is us.

When the ego judges, it creates the illusion of separateness. Then, we attempt to change what we judge through control.

This partly stems from a lack of knowing the power of awareness.

Here's an example of what I mean.

Imagine your spouse says something you find disrespectful and you get angry.

There is now anger present in your experience.

Since you've been highly conditioned (like the rest of us) to believe it's not okay to be angry, you subconsciously judge yourself for being angry.

What happens next is the following:

You judge the anger, and yourself
The judgment creates the illusion of separation between you, and the anger.
You repeat the patterns you've learned growing up to deal with it, primarily to control it—and therefore change it.
So, you try to control the anger by suppressing it, repressing it, numbing it, dismissing it, through distractions, etc.
You waste a tremendous amount of energy doing this—not to mention the conflict you'll create by blaming or resenting your wife.

Notice instead what happens if you choose to go through the awareness and acceptance path rather than the control path.

Your spouse says something you find disrespectful and you get angry.

There is now anger present in your experience.

What happens next is the following:

You become aware that anger is present by noticing the familiar bodily cues present.
You do not cast judgment, instead you accept that anger is present and that you are it.
You become intensely present. You are with the anger and do not view it as separate from you.
Therefore, since it is not separate from you, you do not need to control it—since controlling leads to conflict (always).
You remain exceptionally watchful of the anger, and you let it blossom, like watching a beautiful, poisonous flower blossom
As the anger blossoms, it simultaneously dissolves.
And in that dissolution, you receive tremendous energy, since that energy is not being dissipated through control and conflict.

When we realize that the observer is the observed—only then does our entire relationship to ourselves, and to others undergo a radical transformation.

So, how do we apply this to self-improvement?

When you identify an aspect of yourself you want to change—rather than trying to fix it, or control it go the opposite direction—watch it carefully. Total awareness is the doorway to acceptance
This means you must slow down. If you are interacting with someone, take a break and go be yourself.
Become aware of how this aspect of yourself impacts your life and your relationships.
Become aware of how futile your attempts to change it are through your typical strategies to "fix it".
Notice how your ego plays games with itself by attempting to control it.
And then—accept it fully. Accept it as a part of you. Accept it as not separate from you.
Realize any attempt you make at wanting it to be different will only perpetuate it.
You'll know when you've done this when you are no longer trying to control it nor want it to be different.
From here, you are going to do something you've likely never done before with an aspect of yourself you dislike.
10. Rather than controlling or changing it—you are going to honor this aspect of yourself by elevating it to its highest form.

Here's an example of what I mean:

Let's say there's an aspect of you that bullies people.

Your boss has gotten complaints from coworkers that you are pushy, and have the tendency of telling others what to do.
And, it's getting under the skin of your coworkers.
You don't even notice yourself doing it, since its so natural to you.

And besides, by doing that you're only trying to help the team do better work.

You become self-conscious and start to close yourself off from your coworkers by becoming more reserved.

You start to judge others as too sensitive, and you become resentful of them, since not being allowed to be yourself doesn't feel good at all. But, what choice do you have?

In this instance, rather than attempt to hide, or repress this trait—you are going to elevate it.

The elevated form of being a bully that tells others what to do is—leadership.

Bullies push, and test others to have their way.

Leaders, on the other hand, pull others (and sometimes push) by encouraging them to be who they could be.

Leadership challenges others by giving them tasks that require the best version of them to come forward.

Bullies enforce their worldview onto others.

Leaderships inspire others with a compelling vision.

Do you see the connection between being a bully and a leader? It's almost like a leader is the light side of being a bully, and a bully is the shadow side of being a leader.

This is what I mean by elevating the aspects of yourself you dislike to their highest forms

You are in essence spiritualizing your inner darkness toward the light side of what it represents.

Here's another example:

You grew up in a narcissistic household and learned that to survive you had to become highly attuned to other people's energies.
This taught you how to read others instantly, leading you to become manipulative by knowing how to read and alter other people's energy.
This has a tremendous dark side as it allows you to manipulate others at your will.

To spiritualize this dark gift would be to channel it into service by helping others to get in touch with their darkness.

You could easily imagine becoming a therapist or a coach who teaches others how to tune into what's in their shadow and transmute it into wisdom and understanding for the greatest good of all concerned.

As the great Swiss psychoanalyst, Carl Jung put it: the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.

You have important gifts to give the world. And they are hidden within your darkness.

Don't try to "improve yourself". You can't do it anyway.

Instead, accept yourself completely, and elevate what you hate most about yourself.

Love and Power,
Alex

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