The year was 1996 and we lived in sunny Miami, FL. I was an energetic, scrawny 6 years old, living with my family in a two bedroom apartment in a rough part of town. I remember coming home with my parents and turning on the kitchen lights, and seeing a swarm of roaches scattering beneath our feet. Gross? Yes, but we couldn't afford anything else at the time. We immigrated from Cuba the year before and my parents were doing everything they could to provide for our family.

One day, I was talking with my mom when my older sister called me over to the living room.

As I made my way to the living room, my dad was waiting with a smile and a polaroid camera to snap a picture of both of us.

I leaned over and placed me arm around my older sister and looked over at my dad, waiting for the flash to go off.

The moment his countdown reached "one", my sister pulled my pants down.

All I saw was the flash of the camera and the feeling of confusion arising within.

Before I knew it both my sister and dad were laughing hysterically as the newly printed photo slowly revealed a half naked boy.

That picture became the literal manifestation of the shame and fear of not being enough etched into my pysche.

My dad showed that photo around to anyone that visited our home. It became a staple of conversation in our household. 

And, my parents had a lot of friends.

To say that it was emasculating would be an understatement.

To them—it was a joke. And, I tried to play along. Joining in their laughter

But what I didn't realize until much later, is that I unknowingly carried that sting of humiliation with me throughout all of my subsequent relationships.

From one to relationship to another, I kept encountering different forms of betrayal, or humiliation. I didn't know this then, but I was attracting partners who complemented my own wounding. I was recreating that same pattern subconsciously in each relationship.

At the core of each of these relationships was my unaddressed childhood pain. This became the seed of mistrust that etched itself into all subsequent relationships with women. Every betrayal, every time humiliation reared its head I would play it off like I wasn't fazed. While secretly distancing myself from the relationship and allowing resentment to brew inside.

The strategies we learn growing up to survive in our family to cope with fear and shame will be recreated subconsciously in our adult life. Why? Because that feeling is familiar. And our ego’s love what is familiar. Even if it's to our own detriment.

The next two decades became learning opportunities—although, I didn't see them that way at the time.

It was as if the universe was setting me up to encounter the same experience over and over again with different women, so that I would choose curiosity and compassion, rather than shame and fear.

Relationship after relationship, I kept unknowingly sabotaging each one through resentment, and dismissal. Not realizing that I was dismissing myself through the stories I was fabricating, and then teaching women to dismiss me—by first dismissing them.

It wasn’t until I went back to this root memory from childhood, and properly addressed it that I was able to create a deep shift in my interpersonal relationships—and, in myself.

We teach others how to treat us. Even if it's painful. Why? Because it's familiar, and it makes the ego feel in control. And the ego loves control, even when it feels out of control.

How are you unknowingly teaching others how to treat you in your life?


Love and Power,
Alex

P.S.
Consider taking the Life Satisfaction Quiz and find out where you're thriving, and where there's room for growth.