Hey :) 

I used a simple challenge with a client the other day.

He said something I’ve heard a lot: “I just can’t say no.”

And to be fair to him, the reason was completely human. He genuinely wants to help people. When someone’s struggling, he feels that pull. I get it. Most decent people do.

But the problem isn’t whether helping people is good. It’s that there isn’t enough time to help everybody. And it’s slightly ridiculous to think there is — especially when helping “everybody” starts to take time away from the people and projects that actually matter most.

When this comes up in a session, I usually start with a few questions.

That last one is interesting. Because if you’re not replying, you’ve technically not said yes. But you’ve also not said no. You’re stuck in this weird limbo where you feel guilty for not helping, and also stressed because you know you don’t have the time.

That’s when it becomes clear there are actually two problems.

The first is competence: Can I say no in a way that doesn’t make me sound like a jerk?

The second is confidence: Can I say no and not beat myself up about it afterwards?

Those are different skills.

I sometimes use this metaphor. It’s like there’s a leaking pipe in your attic. Water will run to the nearest exit. That’s what’s happening when people are asking for your time or your brain or your help. They’re looking for the nearest place it can land.

If that place is you, it stops with you.

But if you say no? The water doesn’t evaporate. It just moves on. They’ll ask someone else. There are eight billion people in the world. You are not the only person capable of helping.

You just happen to be the one they asked.

So here’s the challenge I gave him. And I’ve used this before.

We treat it as a tiny experiment. For one month, you are not allowed to say yes to the things you already know you shouldn’t be saying yes to.

That’s it.

For him, that might mean no coffee catch-ups. No “quick calls.” No ad hoc help outside his priorities. For someone else it’ll look different. But they know what those things are.

And yes, it’ll probably feel awkward the first couple of times. He’ll have to get creative about how to write the no. That’s the competence bit.

But what I’ve seen happen, again and again, is this:

It gets easier.

The guilt isn’t as heavy as they expected.

And the resentment starts to drop.

There’s also something else going on here around decisions.

When someone asks for your help, there are three possible outcomes:

Indecision is often the most draining one. It keeps everything half-open in your head.

So sometimes the real work isn’t becoming “a person who says no.”

It’s just running the experiment.

One month. Stop saying yes.

See what happens.

And if you’re feeling resentment building because you’re not getting time for the things that actually matter to you — your business, your family, your own projects — that’s usually the signal.

Not that you’re a bad person.

Just that it might be time to shut the pipe off for a bit.

🗣️ 👀

Chris.