Dean Clough

November 24, 2021

Portico Darwin: Introducing Seamus Colonnity

As I mentioned Monday, my dear friend Steven Simon - we go back to the 6th grade and grew up together in Albany - asked that I don my MAGA hat, and address the Culture War topics I raised recently, from that perspective.   And not be nasty or sarcastic doing so.  Wow - not easy!

So, for inspiration, I turned to my copy of Christopher Buckley's "Make Russia Great Again", a Killer satire of the Trump presidency that I can heartily recommend.  Specifically, I am channeling the character of Seamus Colonnity, a fictional Fox News superstar featured prominently in the book.  Imagine the guy on the right and you're not far off.


I will start with Steven's own kick-ass takes as a faux right-wing conservative (dare I call this character Ben Shapiro?!) on two of the Culture War topics, science, and Christianity as America's religion.  Mine, as the right-wing blowhard Seamus Colonnity, follow.

"Climate change may be real but it's not as bad as the media makes it out to be and it's probably natural.  COVID vaccines are unproven and came on too fast.  We don't know the long-term side effects.  

For me, it's not about science, it's about freedom.  I like my big SUV.  I don't like being forced to medicate myself or my family."

Christianity as "The National Religion"
"I have no problem with any religion or no religion.  The problem is my freedom to practice Christianity.  I can't say 'Merry Christmas' to anyone.  Every show and commercial has to have gay themes and people.  Having Christianity as the national religion does not mean you can't practice other religions or none at all, but it would allow Christians to openly and proudly practice without being subjected to so much backlash."

Thank you, "Ben Shapiro"!  I now give you Mr. Seamus Colonnity.

I don't know about you, but I am sick of being told that I am somehow a bad person because I am white.  I don't like our history of slavery, but I had nothing to do with it, nor did my parents or grandparents.  I don't have a racist bone in my body myself, but I am fed up being told I am a racist unless I'm OK with the violent BLM/Antifa people.

Flag and National Anthem Idolatry
You know, is it too much to ask that you stand and respect the symbols of this great nation?  I believe America is the best country in the world, and I don't like to see it disrespected, particularly by highly-paid, and frankly, spoiled, athletes.  I wish they'd just keep their mouths shut and play ball.

Transgender Americans

I am just not very comfortable with this subject.  I'm not sure I even understand it - are you saying you're born a boy or a girl, and then you want to switch?   That would seem to be against God's will. 

I do know that I don't want my daughter in the same bathroom as a confused man in a dress, and I certainly don't think it's fair that she be asked to compete with him/her/whatever on the soccer field.   

This is just a classic example of the Democrat party-led lamestream media creating and then sticking to a narrative, facts be damned.  The 2020 election was stolen from President Trump, full stop.  There is evidence everywhere, but the MSM just won't cover it.  Get the facts!  We must save our country from those that wish to take it from us.  Listen to Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor-Greene before it's too late:  we must protect our elections.  Mail-in ballots are just one big Democrat scam that will allow them to continue to cheat and win elections!

"Support The Troops"
I'd like to see one of these prissy, gluten-free coastal types serve in the military even for just one day.  They couldn't handle it!  Our troops are all heroes and I am sick of these America-haters having nothing but bad things to say about what we do around the world.  Someone has to be the global police, and thank God it's us.  We may make some mistakes, but our troops and their hearts are always in the right place.

I am just so sick of these know-it-alls telling me how to think!  It is very obvious that the whole thing is rigged in their favor - they've got the news media, all the tech companies, Hollywood, and the universities.  Now they want to get rid of the police, teach my children to hate themselves because they're white, and stop me from protecting my family by taking my guns away.  They even want to tell us what kind of cars we can drive!

# # #

That was painful, and I feel like I need a shower.  Great exercise, though, and thanks again to my friend Steven Simon for egging this on.  I think it's safe to assume I'll be featuring visits from Seamus Colonnity (and perhaps even "Ben Shapiro") in this newsletter occasionally in the future.

Attempting to empathize with the right wing was not easy.  But it's the same for them, I would guess? 

However, my problem remains this:  what I regularly advocate in this newsletter is more rational than what comes out of Seamus Colonnity and his very red ilk.  And isn't that what governance should be about, rational acts that improve and protect society?

This came in hot and heavy from the intellectual suburbanite Byron Browne IV, in response to Raymond Michaels's cheerleading for capitalism and its ability to address climate change.

"$28 billion is good, but probably represents small individual investors who actually have a heart . . . a drop in the bucket when you look at total investments in the energy sector.  The folks with the big bucks such as private equity funds have no problem putting their profits ahead of what’s good for people and the planet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for capitalism, but I think that kind of energy should be channeled in a way that helps society, not hurts it.  Greed is good except when it fucks our planet and the environment for future generations.  Is it wrong to take legislative action that discourages this type of bottom feeding and instead directs their greed and money to my positive outcomes?  I wish I could trust politicians to make the right choice, but I’m too cynical now to believe that will ever happen."

I could not have said it better myself, and I especially love you not taking the conservative brilliance of Raymond Michaels at face value, and digging deeper - thank you, my friend. 

Here is a link to a PDF of the article Byron references in case you hit a paywall.  It's an important article, and follow the money.  And the money will destroy us, in this case, literally.

Gosh, I don't want to end this section with such a dark tone - it's the holidays!  And Louie was much happier than he appears!


Thank you to any one that is reading this newsletter, and here's wishing you and yours a very great Thanksgiving. 

Let's finish the job.  Here is the elder statesman Ted Nugent and his ridunkulus "Double Live Gonzo".  Textbook toxic masculinity!  Offensive?  Oh yeah.  Kick-ass album?  Also oh yeah.   

As a special bonus, here is an MP3 of the wonderful guitar instrumental "Hibernation" from the album, but without his moronic verbal (and verbose) intro.  You might not even guess it's Terrible Ted if you didn't know it in advance.  What a great song.


Fun fact:  at the time, when others in my peer group were wetting their pubescent pants over Kiss and their cartoonish "Alive!", this was my double-live album of choice instead.  Elite then, elite now?

About Dean Clough

Plans To Enjoy Life.