Dean Clough

March 9, 2022

Portico Darwin: Seamus Colonnity Drops By

Today, I will try to divert our attention at least for a few minutes from the all-too-real horrors of Ukraine with a visit from the (thankfully all-too-fake) conservative pundit, Seamus Colonnity.   

For those not paying close attention to this newsletter, Mr. Colonnity is an occasional visitor here, borrowed from Christopher Buckley's hysterical "Make Russia Great Again:  A Novel".  If you need a visual image of the mighty Seamus, here is a good start.  He's fake, but sadly, at least some of what he spouts is accepted as true by many Americans.  I will publish unedited and without comment any reader that wishes to argue a rational conservative argument for one or more these topics.


It is with that, and in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, I give you the esteemed Mr. Colonnity, with his takes on some of today's headlines.  

Making Us Give Up Our Cars
Look, I for one, have not minded the changing climate, and aren't we arrogant to think we as humans can impact global weather patterns?  And OK, so Europe is very dependent upon Russia for oil and gas, but we're not, so who cares?
But sure enough, the minute there's a couple of fires and a few floods, and then Putin invades a country, Biden and his Socialist pals want to ban oil and make everyone drive little electric golf carts.  Not me, Nancy Pelosi!

Look at the Democrat party go!  Every time they get in office, they ruin the economy, and it takes us to come in and fix it and balance the budget.
And look at those gas prices!  Completely within Biden's control because it wasn't like this under Trump.  Reopen that Keystone XL pipeline, re-invest in clean coal, and watch gas prices drop like a stone.  "But what about the impact on the climate?", the left will cry.  Our kids can buy umbrellas and put on more sunscreen - I put up with worse growing up, believe me.

Don't Say Gay
Finally, we can stop planting the seeds in kids' heads that they're gay.  Look, with all of this left-wing Hollywood glorification of non-Christian lifestyles, it's no surprise kids get confused.  But let's get this subject out of the schools and back into the homes where it belongs.  Kids are safe there and parents know how to handle this.

While I am a strict Constitutionalist, I am willing to compromise if it means one more baby can be saved.  I think banning interstate travel and a right to privacy are reasonable no matter what the situation, as long as abortion is stopped.

Books in Schools
I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want some Coastal Elite-educated teacher telling my kids what books to read.   So I'm fine with them banning books, especially those that make kids feel like they're part of a country with a racist past.  It's just another example of them wanting to indoctrinate your kids into their way of thinking.  Toni Morrison is not required reading for anyone in my family, and for that matter, do I really need some snooty librarian shoving liberal trash like The Washington Post down my kid's throat?  No - so I'd be fine if that were pulled, too.

Time of service manipulations?  Hey, every business owner I know plays to win.  These millionaires are playing a kid's game and should quit their whining and get back on the field.  I don't know what they expect from the owners.  Things are tough for many of them - quite a few built stadiums for their communities using their own hard-earned money.  And don't get me started on player contracts!  The players need to accept a changed world and shut their mouths.

Guns and Crime
I don't think people know to what extent the crazy liberal Democrat party wants to take your guns.  But we're not going to let them take away our rights.  I myself will fight to the death to defend The Second Amendment, because, you know, I am a strict Constitutionalist and there can be no exceptions to it.  That's why I stand with great American leaders like Marjorie Taylor Greene and say "yes" to more guns - as many as it takes to keep our families safe.  Look at the crime rate - we need more guns and assault weapons right where they belong - in the hands of every real American! 


Gross!  As always, a visit from Seamus warrants a quick shower.


Ahh, that's better.

I wouldn't feel I was doing my job if I wasted a newsletter or your time with pure nonsense, however satirical.  So here is a great article that defines what Socialism and Communism actually are.  Spoiler alert:  there are only a couple of Socialists and zero Communists in the Democratic Party in America today. 

So, no, this is not the vision that runs through my SF liberal head or actually, that of any democrat.  Not  even AOC's.


Thank you to any one that is reading this newsletter.

I listened to these tracks just now, and it was uplifting.  People of Ukraine, repeat after me:

We're going to keep Ridin' the Storm Out because nobody makes our Golden Country feel Like You Do, Volodymyr Zelensky.  

Here, on a Serviceable live album, is REO Speedwagon and "You Get What You Play For".  Sure, they ruined it all (whilst making a fortune doing so) with "Hi Infidelity", but there are still some great tracks here - especially the 3 I cite above, easily the definitive versions of each.


About Dean Clough

Plans To Enjoy Life.