I am going to attempt for these content rewrites to follow up on past rewrites. To provide you updates and see whether the company improved or deproved (I know, that's not a word).
One example is &Open. The ad I rewrote for them a few weeks ago was average. (Read it here: https://world.hey.com/jordano/avoid-jargon-and-feature-baked-copy-cr05-91cfda60)
Another one of their ads popped up on my timeline, and I had to share. It's better than their first but still has room for improvement. Here's the ad:
What I like about this ad:
- Great creative (using items people gift helps connect the dots)
- The use of emoji and short copy
- The CTA is direct and understandable
What I would change about this ad:
- Avoid the word "scale," no one says that in real life
- Make the second sentence (For businesses…) flow better
- Have the creative tie with the copy ("Seasons greetings, &Open style" means nothing)
Here's my take on making this ad 1% better:
My first change was to open with a more compelling hook. No one says they want to gift at scale.
So instead of having the second sentence speak to the reader, I put it in the first sentence. If you're not a business that wants to give all employees gifts, keep scrolling.
My second change was to present a challenge, giving meaningful gifts to each person (you could say gifting at scale, lol), and resolve it.
Our platform will help you ensure everyone gets a gift that's meaningful to them.
My third change was to make the CTA include what &Open is/does. Rather than wait until they go to the landing page–or if they even do–share who you are and how you help.
This will help make sure the right person clicks the ad and makes your dollar go the farthest.
My fourth and final change was to make the creative text work with the copy. Rather than "Seasons greetings, &Open style," which means squat shit, I put "Give your employees a meaningful gifting experience."
That is what &Open can do for you. Not seasons greetings, but a meaningful gift experience. Stop with the jargon–or needless words–and cut to the chase.
While they improved the ad from my first rewrite, they still have a bit to go before making their solution understandable. I don't believe "gifting at scale" is "it."
Sadly, they've littered their website with "gifting at scacle," which means they think it is "it."
Maybe they know something I don't. Maybe their prospects use the word "gifting at scale" in their vernacular.
If not, they need to drop the jargon and speak the words already in their prospects' minds.
What do you think about this ad rewrite?
🧠 + ❤️ // JO