Perhaps your manager offers feedback in a meeting. The words are measured and professional: “I think this could have been handled differently.” There is nothing overtly harsh or humiliating in what is said. And yet, you feel it immediately. Your stomach tightens and your face grows warm. Your thoughts begin to race, and what you hear feels louder than the words themselves: I’ve failed. I’m not good enough. They’re disappointed in me. Hours later, you may still be replaying the moment. You might even tell yourself you overreacted. After all, it was only feedback. But sometimes our reactions carry more history than we realise.

In Transactional Analysis, there is a concept known as rubber banding. It describes how something happening in the present can snap you back to an earlier experience. The reaction you feel now is not only about this moment. It is also about what this moment reminds you of.

Perhaps that feedback stirred memories of school, of being corrected publicly, of striving to please a parent who was hard to satisfy. Perhaps criticism once carried the risk of shame or withdrawal of affection. The body can remember the feeling, even if the conscious mind does not immediately connect the dots.

You may have heard the phrase, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” The wording is striking, but the meaning behind it is simple: when a reaction feels bigger than the moment seems to warrant, it may be connected to something earlier. There can be history in the present.

As a therapist, I’m trained to listen for these moments. Not to dismiss a reaction as irrational or dramatic, but to become curious about it. When someone describes a response that felt overwhelming, disproportionate, or confusing, I’m listening for what it might remind them of. Often, beneath the present situation, there is an older experience that has been stirred.

This does not mean the present moment is irrelevant. Feedback can still feel uncomfortable. But when the reaction feels overwhelming or disproportionate, it can be helpful to ask: what does this remind me of?

In therapy, we create space to slow these moments down. Not to dismiss your feelings, but to understand them. To separate then from now. To notice that while something familiar has been activated, you are no longer in the same place, with the same power dynamics, or the same level of vulnerability.

When we begin to recognise rubber banding, something shifts. The reaction becomes understandable rather than shameful. And with understanding comes choice. You may still feel uncomfortable, but you are less likely to be pulled entirely backwards.

You might reflect: when have I been surprised by the strength of my reaction? And am I responding to today or to something older?


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