I don’t do transformation stories, but this was too good to pass.

1. What did you eat?

At least 102 species of plants mostly leaves and lots of fruit. By fruit I mean figs. Like kilos of figs a day. Not the dried, tough chewing gum crap homosapiens eat. Softer, watery figs which feel like a baby’s bum. Speaking of baby bums, I occasionally go through a monkey or two. But those assholes don’t venture into my territory often. So I get to eat them once in 40 days. I do make up for it with termites. Eating termites also keeps my home safer. They’re packed with protein. A woman named Jane tried giving me some milk once. It helped for a couple of months. But I don’t have thumbs to milk cows so I went back to eating monkeys and termites for protein. Fun fact: I get about 15-20 grams of protein from figs. Leaves give me a bit too. But I mostly eat leaves for the fiber so I have faeces to fling at my neighbours. I do treat myself to the occasional tortoise since they are rich in anti-oxidants. But what the hell, everything is rich in anti-oxidants.

2. What did you do to get jacked?

Mostly I throw faeces at my neighbours to build shoulder and arm strength. Climbing trees is how I get to my home. I occasionally get into a fight over property and or food. Climbing trees and throwing faeces helps with that. Beating the shit out of monkeys before eating them help with fights too.

3. Any other takeaways?

I can’t tell you how important it is to sleep 10 hours everyday. It gives me an edge over those baboons who haven’t figured out how to chill out and lie on some bamboo yet. Idiots are so riled up and who sleeps sitting still ? So behind the evolutionary curve! Spending 40% of the day sleeping and 50% eating is key to jacked deltoids.

4. 50% on eating ? How much do you eat? Isn’t that stressful?

How else does one get through 5-10 percent of their body weight in food a day. I am a pretty chill chimp usually, but I do get stressed when I have to interact with the other sex. But as the famous ape adage goes, if it ain’t broke, keep it simple and throw faeces at it.