Saif Ali Shaik

June 13, 2021

Be selfish on what matters

Over 2.5 years since I graduated from my college, there are only a few close friends with whom I could keep in touch every week (Despite every little effort I put in). Sometimes conversations with these friends end up accusing me of being selfish in my college days except my closest ones. In a fun way. :) 

So I began to comprehend how I treat others. But, unfortunately, it was always a big rabbit hole.

But analyzing how others treat me made me understand how I treat others. 

Karthik labels people in 4 segments

  1. Givers 
  2. Takers 
  3. Smart Ones
  4. Super Smart Ones 

Givers: Treat us the way "they" like to be treated

These are the most common set of people. 

All you need to thrive in these relationships is to observe their behavior. It will tell us how they like to be treated. 

When Ganesh meets  Rajesh in a restaurant having a family dinner, Rajesh introduces Ganesh to his family. Similarly, if Rajesh meets Ganesh anytime in the future, Rajesh would expect himself to be introduced to Ganesh's family. Rajesh's expectation will make him a Giver.

Takers: Treat us one way and expect to be treated back with special considerations

You can easily spot them with the help of your gut. Most of the time, we are bound by emotional constraints around these relationships, making our urge to jump out almost invisible to ourselves. But then non-toxic takes wouldn't hurt you, but just that they are self-absorbed. 'I' is their favorite word to frequently use.

When Suresh goes to his friend's birthday party, he begins to order everything that he wants to eat without considering his friend's budget and impact on others at the party. Suresh is a Taker.

Smart Ones: Treat us the way "
we"  like to be treated

These are a little hard to identify because they may confuse us with Givers. Do they consistently customize their treatment? They are smart ones.

Anjana is planning to organize a get-together. Rajesh and Ajay are two friends of hers. Anjana makes sure that an invitation card is sent to Ajay while Rajesh is happy with a phone call. Her judgment makes her "Smart Ones" here as they customize how she treats.

Super Smart Ones: Treat us the way we like to be treated, but only at a reasonable cost

There is no better example than parents for super-smart ones. They know the difference between nurturing children vs. spoiling them. Treating children in the way they want to be treated, but only to a reasonable extent, contributes to a child's joy as an example.


So what matters?


Amongst givers, takers, smart ones, and super-smart ones,  you should try to connect more with the people who allow us to be being selfish on what matters.

“When your body becomes pleasant — we call it health.

When your body becomes very pleasant — we call it a pleasure

When your mind becomes pleasant — we call it peace.

When your mind becomes very pleasant — we call it joy.

When your emotions become pleasant — we call it love.

When your emotions become very pleasant — we call it compassion.

When your surroundings become pleasant — we call it a success.”

It's only for success you need many forces outside your control. For the most part like health, mind, and emotions are well within our control. They are determined by us. While happiness is based on external triggers we hardly control, yet joy is based on internal triggers.

It is far far easier to write this than to actually act upon it. 

I am confident of the direction I am taking to be OK with being selfish.  

For example, I started few things

  • I thank people around me for helping me out. It feels like peace. 
  • I practice being present in the moment because I can pull it off as a habit. It feels like joy.
  • I practice paying attention to little efforts in my relationships.

Make time to be kind to yourself. Be selfish. Some of the consequences may make others feel you might be self-centered.

But who can serve with an empty jar of body, mind, and emotions? When we try to do that, we usually find ourselves reacting more than responding.

Be selfish on what matters.
...

I certainly did not absorb the entirety of treating others or being kind to myself. Consider me a random guy writing a random article on the internet. Most of the thoughts presented in this post are stolen from Jaggi Vasudev and Karthik Rajan. I am by no means an expert on this topic. Just that part simply puts me out of self turmoil of being selfish.

About Saif Ali Shaik

Hey, I'm Saif. Writing is one of my favorite habits. I journal about my learnings for the world to read. Some appreciate it if that adds value. This page you are seeing is my only social media. Welcome to my World of shower thoughts!