There is something that I don’t want to remind myself of very often. Sometimes those flash in my head and take down my optimism to my knees. I guess that is a by-product of my nature being thoughtful most of the time.

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12 years ago

I joined a school in my hometown. It was new and had a reputation. My father has me join it. I spent almost five years with many experiences that keep me armed till today.

I could have been better at my studies. The school subjects back then mattered a lot. Back then, the supervisors kicked every kid who got marks below a benchmark. The culture around where students are divided into their classes based on their marks. That also meant a class of students were grouped by the marks they earned.

A pretty new environment for me. Very hard to compete, mainly things I was asked to learn and remember were not my cup of tea. A kid like me needed a little encouragement. There came a teacher who backed me and filled me with confidence. Mr. Koteshwar Rao, sir. There were a lot of little moments where he asked me to speak up. When he left me, he armed me by teaching art to speak from the heart and not from my vocal cords.

I don’t know how to dance. I just had an unknown benchmark for attention I needed to validate myself. It was a bad strategy. Whenever the school had to hold some cultural program, I would be the first to become part of it. As much as I had grown my following, I saw the percentage of people who despised me—along the way, taught me to be mentally strong. I felt alone, and it was probably the first of my time to recognize the anxiety I owned.

The place I pursued further education had an open-air theatre with around 800 students. This theatre would see some successful people studying in some of the premium Indian institutes to be bought on the stage to paint a picture of what success looks like. After working my ass off day and night, I would face a stress attack during a public final examination. I could remember my brain struggling to answer even one question. I needed water. The negative thoughts of failing that exam hit me like a sphere, and I sensed dizziness. This would prepare me to recognize that I need more control over my thoughts.

I gave in 10 entrance exams for colleges. All I wanted was computer science. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I was curious. I worked my ass off. The hard work doesn’t matter without a direction and outcome-oriented thought process. This was the first learning that stuck on my face.

The guilt of not being able to achieve the success benchmark set by my surroundings grew. It was my first ten days in my college. I became ambitious. So much so that without any reasonable and confident knowledge, I prepared a draft of 10 pages and went to the head of the department to ask for guidance and support to pursue the project. It was a start. It was a failure. I began to find newer and more curious things. I put my effort into asking for ways to achieve what I needed. I unconsciously learned not to fear setting a precedent. This drove me my way to enjoy work beyond the classroom.

For the first few months, I earned great and honest friends. They would have my back at all times. These friends turned out to be talented. My habits of getting involved with student activities also brought these passionate folks together. With time, we moved and built stronger relationships. This would end up giving me a lot of enough memories.

The first few days, I connected with one of my school friends. We become excellent friends. I would describe her as a cheerful girl. She is warm and understanding. Never in my life before I felt so much understood by someone. I could not ask for a better friend. This laid the foundation to build my compassion of mine. The credit goes to her.

Along the way, I find a guy who is guts to bring ideas to life. He was one of those who could think what was told and take a step. He knew that happy moments are in warm talks, feeling nature, and working hard and accomplishing something. While there was a culture that would highlight marks, scores, and ranks to prove points of happiness. That is why whenever I take a deep breath, I can stop, enjoy the surroundings, and see them as they are.

I met a guy who has a lens of art. The way he saw the world was creative. I would end up unconsciously providing him with an opportunity. I didn’t know what I asked him to do was an opportunity to work for him. He is amazing. Every single conversation that I had was filled with honesty. This man taught me what loyalty looks like and why it matters.

My hostel wasn’t a good place. I lost the work I did over the months. This can be translated to a laptop. It was stolen. This put me in a position to override that college didn’t help me. I remember. It was my semester exam tomorrow, and today I was expelled from my college to search for it independently. I ended up showing up with a complaint at Chennai police station. This situation put me in a position to push myself hard on the roads until I knew where else to go.

One person I truly loved with all my heart was my grandfather. He told me enough stories and spent every bit with me until that week would become the last week of his presence on this planet. He was brave and kind-hearted. He took care of everyone. He is a pure example of empathy that became the foundation of who I am today.

I badly wanted to speak this out. These things remind me to do the right thing and help me believe in myself. Most of these instances had larger pictures of stories. But neither the story is permanent because that is part of the past, nor the people part of those stories seem to stick along. What appears and wants to be permanent is that those points of time don’t stick for a period of life.

Lessons learned.

Add those to the tool kit.

It evolves who I am.

Move On!